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A horse walks into a saloon bar,the Barman asks the Horse
"why the long face"

What goes "ha ha plop"?




Someone laughing there head off!!!



There getting worse arent they,i better quit wit the Jokes

Three blondes walk in to a Bar..




























You think one of them might have seen it! ...groaaaaaan

Why cant Blondes eat Olives????




because there head dont fit in the Jar...


(but putting all jokes aside,i lurv Blondes..)

A rooster is walking along one day when he comes to a riverbank with a
big bag of cat food beside it. Uninterested in the bag, he looks over to
the other side and sees a huge bag of chicken feed which instantly makes
his mouth water. Beside the bag of feed is a small cat that is hungrily
eyeing the cat food on his side.

The two look at each other and wonder what to do. The rooster says, "I
know, if we run & jump high enough we should be able to make it to the
other side."

The cat responds "OK, let's give it a try"

The rooster heads back about 15 feet, makes a run for it and jumps as
high as he can. He flaps his wings like crazy and just makes it to the bag
and starts devouring the chicken feed.

The cat, now more motivated than ever, heads back about 20 feet and
makes a run for it. He jumps, and SPLASH! He lands right in the middle of the river.

The Moral of the Story:

For every satisfied cock, there's a wet pussy!

~~~~~~~~~


Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions.

The first guy says " I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know... Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist."

The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K, you know... Double Income, No Kids."

The third guy says, " I'm a R.U.B, you know... Rich, Urban, Biker."

They turn to the woman and ask her, " What are you? "

She replies: " I'm a WIFE, you know...

Wash, Iron, F#ck, Etc."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

3 explorers were looking in the forest when they were captured by Indians. They were taken to their chief, and he said go out into the forest and come back with 10 of the same kind of fruits. The first guy comes back with 10 bannanas, and the chief says, shove them all up your butt without making a sound.
So the 1st guy gets 2 bannanas in when he starts screaming, so the indians kill him. The second guy comes back with 10 berries, and they shove 9 in and are about to shove the 10th in when he starts laughing, and so since he made a sound the indians killed him too.
Now the first two explorers souls fly out of their bodies and into heaven and they start talking. The first explorer says 'Hey dude why did you laugh you could've gone back and told our families what had happened'.
The 2nd explorer replies, 'Sorry I just couldn't stop when I saw fred comin down the hill with 10 pinneapples.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

one day a small cat was sitting hungry by a river when a small chipalata sausage came flowing past....the cat used his paw to get the chipalata and managed to not even get it wet. The cat was happy! The next day the day was equally as hungry when a larger sausage came flowing past in the river, the cat dipped its paw in to get the sausage and only got its paw marginally wet, the cat was happy! The next day the cat was absolutely starving when a massive frankfurt wopper came flowing past..the cat dipped his paw in to get it but fell in! However the cat retrieved the sausage and was happy. the moral or the story is.............the bigger the sausage....the wetter the pussy!

~~~~~~~~~~~

A woman visits a fortuneteller who tells her, "Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, the woman takes a few deep breaths, steadies her voice and asks, "Will I be acquitted?"

What do you get when you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic?


Half way.......




Guy goes to doctor

Doctor says "I've got to give you a physical examination"

Guy says "OK" so the doctor starts the examination.

After a minute the doctor says "you have to stop masturbating"

Guy says "why?"

Doctor says "because I'm trying to give you a physical examination"

Gee I think he'd better get that looked at!

Looked at or watched?

Two Little Boys

After a hardy rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddle through her kitchen window.

The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole.

As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother runs to the yard in a panic.

' Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!' she asks as she shook the older boy in anger.

'We were just playing 'church' mommy, ' he said. 'And I was just baptizing him.....in the name of the Father, the Son and in...the hole-he-goes.'

A couple driving home in the rain run over a badger - they get out and find its still breathing but freezing cold. Bloke says put it between your legs to warm it up - wife says but its all wet and it stinks - he says well hold the badgers fucking nose then.

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.

The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"

"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day.

Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me?

I'll give you $100 for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.

So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!!

There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.

"What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde, "but we had money left over---so now we're going to Sea World."

A plane is
on its way to Melbourne when a Blonde in Economy
Class gets up & moves to the First Class section and sits down

The Flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the Blonde passenger that she will have to return to her Economy seat.

The Blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!'

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class who belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy, she is only entitled to an Economy seat and she will have to return to her original seat.

The Blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!'

Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use and that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest the Blonde who won't listen to reason.

'You say she's blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde, and I speak blonde!'

The pilot goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says,

'Oh I'm sorry - I had no idea', gets up and moves back to her seat in Economy.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

The pilot replied,
'I told her, 'First Class isn't going to Melbourne'. '

BEST EVER BLONDE JOKE?

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help
Me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get
Started.'

Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?'

The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.'

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over
The table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to
Her and says,

'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
Assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.'

He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a
Nice cup of tea, and then ..' he said with a deep sigh, . .. . .. .




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'Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.'

I love that one

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary
wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife
how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the
man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her
husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a
blue suit. She gives the blonde mortician a blank check and
says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have
my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her
delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue
suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him
perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm
very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I' m very
grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment,
the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that
exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it
cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your
husband's size was brought in shortly after you left
yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I
asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing
a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as
long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'

Learning To Swear..............

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we started swearing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, OK?" says the 7 year old. "OK!" he agrees with enthusiasm.
The Mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast. "Oh, shit Mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops." WHACK!!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, "and what do YOU want for breakfast young man?" "I don't know" he blubbers, "but you can bet your arse it won't be fuckin Coco Pops!!"

At the end of the financial year the Tax Office sent a tax inspector to audit the books of a synagogue.

While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I noticed you buy a lot of candles. What
do you do with all the candle drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went in his obnoxious way: "What about all the bread-wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the auditor was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread-wafers."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.

"Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save the foreskins and send them to the tax office, and once a year they send us a complete dick."

I stopped at the second one.
Thanks

yeah we are different alrighty ...


1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION ( ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male: A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: Call it whatever you want, just as long as we get do 'it'.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

Well i guess i am a male...i love #7