RobertC2: Sommer - I've messed up so many times it really is a shame....... there are women here and there who really love/loved me and I wasn't able to give them what they deserved in return - it's horrible to know that to know me is to love me but also a life sentence of pain for several decent, lovely women I failed to look after as a decent man should look after and cherish a woman of virtue whose value is above rubies.
Now maybe you know why I felt so suicidal?
I don't care about ME - what I can't cope with is hurting those I love and who love me...........that pain is unbearable!
I can't understand the feeling for feeling suicidal Robert, but I understand guilt, and that is one of the things you are burdened with. And guilt is a killer, I hurt my ex partner in so many ways and I still have my sad moments about that, but ultimately, ya know sweetheart, in the end, even if they do not forgive us, we must somehow, somewhere find it within ourselves to forgive ourselves and try to do better. We don't always, I know that, even now, I wonder why the Captain does out up with me, but he does. And I am blessed with that.
And when we are so burdened, it is hard to see the woods for the trees and when we hurt people, they may choose not to forgive us, we can scream all we want about how we have been treated, the traumas that we have had to deal with but we are responsible for our words and actions even when under terrible strain.
Robert, part of your recovery has to be you caring about you, and for now, I do recommend that you, shelve for now, the guilt you feel, because you are liked a jigsaw that is all mixed up and in a bag that has been shaken. And only when the pieces are all laid out on the table, can you even begin to put it all back together. Make some notes, before you go in hosptial, about your feelings, give them to the counsellor, you will be set 'homework' you know, it is part of the recovery process and with the right counselling you will learn techniques that will help you recognise the times when the triggers are bouncing off you. As I wrote you in the Int's, I have been in hospital for depression and it is an ongoing process, one that is there, but I learned techniques that have helped me to recognise those signs.
You may still have bouts of these guilty feelings, but you will be much more tooled to deal with them.
Time to unshackle yourself now, time for that scared little bunny to face those headlights and run to a safe place, not to one where he feels he has to lash out at the world and his mother, to make himself loathe himself even more...