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And again when she sees a skin of a banana on the floor? she says "oh shit, i'm going to fall again!"

good start



A construction worker walks into a bar. He's a rather large, menacing guy. He orders a beer, chugs it back, and bellows, "All you guys on this side of the bar are a bunch of idiots!" A sudden silence descends.

After a moment he asks "Anyone got a problem with that?" The silence lengthens.

He then chugs back another beer and growls, "And all you guys on the other side of the bar are all scum!" Once again, the bar is silent.

He looks around belligerently and roars, "Anyone got a problem with that?" A lone man gets up from his stool unsteadily and starts to walk towards the man.

"You got a problem, buddy?"

"Oh no; I'm just on the wrong side of the bar."

The devil in me

One Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful, tiny town got up early and went to the local church.
Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving... seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

This was really beautiful Started laughing from the beggining!Very good!

Doctor. My wife's dirty.
"What do you mean. Dirty?"
Well she's filthy. She's got disgusting habits.
Can you define that?
Yes. Every Friday night when I come home drunk, I have this urge to piss in the kitchen sink and I can't 'cos it's full of dirty dishes.

marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is a husband

Two lawyers were walking out of a bar and a beautiful lady walks by:

-"oh boy, i would like to f...her" And the other one things for a sec and:
-"Out of what?"

a black hooker on the street corner said to her customer .. if you marry me I will not charge you ever again..

Teacher: what family those the octopus belong to?
Pupil: Nobody i know!

Why does Michael Jackson scream?
Because it hurts!

The wife is not speaking to me


One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.

"What's the matter?" the bartender asks.

"My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy "and now she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days."

The bartender thought about this for a while. "But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you?" asked the bartender.

"Yeah, except today is the last night."

...does belong! I'm tired, sorry...

There were 3 ladies on an island 1 blonde 1 brunette and a redhead. The city where they wanted to be was 20 miles away with sea between the island and the city. The redhead swam 4 miles and drowned of exhaustion, the brunette swam 10 miles and drowned of exhaustion, the blonde swam 19 miles, got tired, and swam back

i love them

Blonde and Genie


A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were stuck on an island for many, many years until one day they found a magic lamp. They rubbed it hard and out popped a genie. He said that he could only give three wishes so since there were three girls, each would get one wish. The redhead went first. 'I hate it here. It is too hot and boring. I want to go home!' 'Okay,' replied the genie. And off she went. Then the brunette went. 'I miss my family, my friends and relatives. I want to go home, too!!' And off she went. The blonde started crying and said, 'I wish my friends were back here!


cracks me up everytime

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten
years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

"Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?"

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer
under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

An Arab family was considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home. Since most of the facilities were completely full, they had to put him in a Jewish home.

After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, they came to visit Grandpa. "How do you like it here?" asks the grandson. "It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says Grandpa.

"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone."

"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here," Grandpa says with a big smile. "There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!" "There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'!" And there's a physician here
-- 90 years ! old. He hasn't been practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!"

"And what about you Grandpa" - asks the grandson. "And me...., I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The fucking Arab!"

The Italian man says, "Last week my wife and I had great sex.
I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for five full minutes of ecstasy at the end."

The Frenchman boasts, "Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love, and she screamed for fifteen minutes."

The Jewish man says, "Well, last week my wife and I had sex, too. I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz [chicken fat], we made love, and she screamed for over six hours."

The Italian and Frenchman are stunned. They ask in unison, "What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for six hours?"

The Jewish man replies, "I wiped my hands on the bedspread."

How do you make your partner really scream when you're having sex?
Call him/her and tell them all about it.

Why do women have breasts?
So men will talk to them

What's the difference between oral sex and a tuna sandwich?
Dont Know? Well, let's have lunch

What sound does a satisfied woman make?
Who cares???

What's an Irish 7 course meal?
A potato and a 6 pak

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only 2 but don't ask me how they got in there