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What do you call a blonde with more than one brain cell?


































Pregnant

How does a blond turn on the light when she wakes up?
She opens the car door

Debbie had a date with her new boyfriend who decided to take her to a fair.

“What do you want to do?” the boyfriend asked

“I want to get weighed!” Debbie answered.

So her boyfriend took her the “I guess your weight booth” and sure enough, the man guessed her weight.

They went round to other rides then the boyfriend asked Debbie what she wanted to do next. “I want to get weighed” came the reply.

So again he took her to the “I guess your weight” booth and again the man guessed her weight.

“What next?” asked the boyfriend.

“I want to get WEIGHED!” Debbie replied.

At this the boyfriend decided that Debbie was weird so he took her back to her flat.

As Debbie walked in her flatmate asked how the date was.

“Oh, wousy”

=======
Michael was a handsome guy but he had a severe flatulence problem.

His new fiancé kept insisting that he meet her parents and finally after much stalling, he had to accede.

He was at his fiancé’s house making polite conversation with her father when the family dog and old bloodhound called Baron, came in the sitting room and lied down at Michael's feet.

Michael was trying hard to contain himself as much as he could, but finally he let out a fart.

The father glared at the dog over the top of his spectacles “Baron!” he yelled.

Michael sighed with relief. The dog took the blame that time.

After a few more minutes Michael farted again.

Again the father stopped in mid-conversation, looked at the dog and shouted “Baron!”

Michael tried containing himself as much as he could but then he really let one rip.

The father stood up and pointed at the dog “Baron! Get away from that man before he shits all over you!”

The Essex Girl


An Essex girl goes to the benefits office to put a claim in for child benefit. The claims assistant asks her: "So how many children do you have?"

She replies: "10."

"10? That's an awful lot of children. What are their names?"

"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne."

The assistant is baffled. "Isn't it a bit hard when you want them to do something?"

"Nah, I just shout 'Wayne, go to bed' or 'Wayne, tidy up' and they all do it. It's great!" the girl says.

"But what about if you just need to ask just one of them to do something?"

"No problem mate. I just call them by their surnames."






gets me every time

Laugh It Off!!!
A man brought his wife to the labor room to deliver a baby,on getting there,the nurse on duty looked at their stomachs and ask 'which of you is in labor?'because the man's stomach was as big as his wife.

Two Idiots

Two young idiots were camping out in the forest one night. But the mosquitoes were so fierce that the boys had to hide under their blankets to keep from getting bitten.

Then one of the boys saw some lightning bugs. “We may as well give up,” he told his friend. “Now they are coming at us with flashlights.”

Some fairly general advice, may seem like a joke and may even give you a laugh at first...such as "modern men" should seriously consider marrying only an orphan woman...it'll be great! As first of all. there are never any in-law problems. Second, there are no annoying Easter or Christmas visits of you sitting around pretending to enjoy the company of a couple of sixth-generational nit-wits. In fact, when it comes to visiting her folks, the worst thing that might happen to you would be an occasional trip to a cemetery,(where the dead people live),to leave some cheap flowers you buy at a gas station, along with your wedding anniversary present, when the time comes; and you might not even have to get flowers, you could claim to have a morbid fear of graveyards, even headstones!
But most important, as the relationship may just be starting, you won't have to worry about making a good impression on the girl's parents, nor will you have to get her father's approval of yourself!
Believe me when I tell you, when you say," I hope your father will approve of me," there is no greater thrill than having your beloved "Honeybottoms" turn to you brightly and say, "My father's dead." %D

I believe you are deadly seriouse

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips,cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy, I'll be waiting...

Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week-old black Labrador retriever.

and not one was for me

This is the actual transcript of a radio conversation between a British Navy ship and the Irish Coastguard, off the coast of Kerry, 1O.Oct 95
Irish. Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south, to avoid collision

British. Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north, to avoid collision

Irish. Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south ' to avoid collision.

British. This is the Captain of a British Navy Ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Irish. Negative. I say again, you will have to divert YOUR course

British. THIS IS THE LARGEST SHIP IN THE BRITISH FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY 3 DESTROYERS, 3 CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT SHIPS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES TO THE NORTH, OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS FLOTILLA.

Irish. THIS IS A LIGHTHOUSE ....... YOUR CALL!

Oh xerox no europe design toilet ?

you tell me

i have xerox or photocopy machine in my vocabulary

Two bats are hanging in their cave. One turns to the other and says, "Oh, I'm really thirsty for some fresh blood."

The other bat is amazed and says, "Well, it’s a bit late. Daylight is almost here, and we can't be exposed to any light - you know we'll die." "Yeah, I know," says the first bat, "but I'm really starving for it."

So he flies out of the cave and returns five minutes later with blood dripping from his mouth.

"You lucky thing. Where'd you find blood that quick?" asked the second bat.

"You see that tree over there in the distance?" mumbled the bat, his mouth full of blood.

"Yeah, I think I do!"

"Well, I didn't."

The very best of all of these was Nowandforever's

What's the difference between having guts and having balls?

Having GUTS is arriving home at 3 am drunk from a night out with your buddies to find your wife waiting at the front door and saying 'are you still doing dishes?'...

Having BALLS is arriving home at 3 am drunk from a night out, smelling of perfume with lipstick on your collar and slapping your wife on the rump while saying 'You're next!'...

Not my own but good

why do they call PMS,PMS?
Because Mad cow disease was already taken!

What's the difference between a lawyer and a crow?

One preys, steals and betrays, while the other one is an innocent black bird.

just got this one

Nothing On From The Waist Down

A man came walking up to his grandparent's house when he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in a rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, ........."Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea."

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would
not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted
"CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung
upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker
(who's blonde) asked me what I was doing? I told her that I was
pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was
"CRAZY" and give me a few days off. A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing ?" I told him I
was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home
and recuperate for a couple of days". I jumped down and walked out
of the office. When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss
asked her "And where do you think you're going?"









She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"

Sometimes its just sooo good to be blonde