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jokes we can tell our kids or grandchildren only please, we have had the filthy, now lets have some pure ones!

I will start with this one....

Two Caterpillars are walking along...and they look up and see a Butterfly flying past.......

One Caterpillar turns to the other and says....I will tell you something mate.....

You would never get me up in one of those things !

How do you make a tissue dance?... put a little boogie in it!

Where does a General keep his armies?... up his sleevies!

Have just run out of 'clean' jokes.

You only have two clean jokes!!!!!!!! what does that say about you i wonder?


Where would you find a tortoise with no legs?


exactly where you left it......lol

Kids already in bed... would ask them otherwise.

What's the difference between a boogie and a brussel sprout?




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Ever tried to get a kid to eat a brussel sprout?

What gushes out of the ground shouting "Underwear, underwear"?
Crude oil!

What gushes out of the ground shouting "Knickers, Knickers"?
Refined oil!

The doctor gives his patient a prescription for laxatives by mistake.
A few days later he meets the patient and asks:" So, do you still cough?"
" No," says the man, " I don't dare to anymore."

I asked my eight year old son the same question, he thought for a second then said "errgh, brussel sprouts taste awful"

Awwwwwwwwwwwwww! How sweet!


What gushes out of the ground shouting 'Panties! Panties!'

Me, if I've had a few and fallen in love with your clothes line!

A Maltese guy went to the doctors and said I can’t pronounce my th properly, the doc said you can’t say fairer than that then can you?

What do you get when you drop a grand piano down a mine shaft?
A Flat minor


Would hot or cold win the race and why?
Hot. Everyone can catch cold!



What starts with an E and ends with an E and only has one letter in it?
An envelope.



Why did the tomato lose the race?
It couldn't ketchup!

Sweet!

What's green and brown and has six legs, and if fell out of a tree on your head it would kill you?





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A snooker table!

Sorry, I know I shouldn't laugh at my own jokes!¬

Q. What did the elf use to make him taller?
A. He used elf raising flour.

Submitted by : Brookie

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What did the traffic light say to the car?
Don't look, I'm changing.

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How do you catch a squirrel?
Climb up a tree and act like a nut.

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Teacher: Give me a sentence with the word 'analyze' in it.
Pupil: My sister Anna lies in bed until nine o'clock.

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Which soldiers smell of salt and pepper?
Seasoned troopers.

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What do you call a nervous witch?
a twitch.

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What do you call a girl with the Titanic on her head?
Mandy lifeboats.

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Who was the first underwater spy?
James Pond.

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What has webbed feet and fangs?
Count Quackula.

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What dog smells of onions?
A hot dog.

A new hair salon opens opposite an established barber`s establishment. The owners of the new salon put up a big sign reading, "We give 7euro haircuts!"
Not to be outdone the more experienced barber puts up his own sign: "We fix 7euro haircuts!

Good one smoky!

it reminded me:


It happened that 3 Jewish guys opened their shops just next to each other, in a row. As it created keen competition, soon the first guy put a sign on his shop:

"The best"

Then the second one put:

"The cheapest"

Then the third one:

"The entrance"

How many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb??





5

one to hold the bulb, and four to turn the room around

reminded me of true story.....Golders Green in London has a very large jewish community....

A road sign stated....'GOLDERS GREEN' 3 MILES........some wag put a line through the 3, and wrote underneath......To you.. one and a half !

Q. Why do cows wear bells?
A. Their horns don't work

Q. What do you call a dog with no legs?
A. It doesn't matter, he wont come

Q. What's black and white, black and white, black and white?
A. A Nun rolling down a hill

Q. What's the most common answer given to a question in school
A. I don't know

Those are the only clean one I know

DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed.

At one point she said, 'Daddy, look at this', and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, 'Daddy's gonna eat your fingers,' pretending to eat them.

I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, 'What's wrong, honey?'

She replied, 'What happened to my bogey?'