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There's a little old Christian lady living next door to an atheist. Every morning the lady comes out onto her front porch and shouts "Praise the Lord!".

The atheist yells back, "There is no God".

She does this every morning with the same result. As time goes on, the lady runs into financial difficulties and has trouble buying food. She goes out onto the porch and asks God for help with groceries, then says "Praise the Lord".

The next morning she goes out onto the porch and there's the groceries she asked for, and of course, she shouts "Praise the Lord!!!".

The atheist jumps out from behind a bush and says, "Ha, I bought those groceries - there is no God".

The lady looks at him and smiles, she shouts "Praise the Lord, not only did you provide for me Lord, you made Satan pay for the groceries!!"

My husband retired, and for the first time in over 40 years I had to think about preparing midday meals.

Tired of it after several months, I said, "I married you for better or worse, but not for lunch."

"Fair enough. From now on I'll make my own," he replied.

A few weeks later he had to go downtown on business and invited me to join him afterwards.

"We could have lunch at that Chinese place we both like," he suggested.

I happily agreed. At the restaurant the next day we were seated, and the waiter came to take our order.

My husband looked up, a twinkle in his eyes and said, "Separate checks, please..."

An disgruntled IRS agent is discussing a protitutes tax filing and says:

"It says on your occupation that you are chicken farmer, please explain"!

The prostitute says, "Well I raised over 5000 coks last year"!

Wowwwwwwwwwww,that's a farmer!!!!!!

Thanks!Long not laughed so long and so laud!!!!!!All of them are very funny,especially that about alliens

Ohhhhh my belly hurts now
Thanks Scootie...that was fun reading!

A man gets shipwrecked on a desert island.

His only companions in the boat are a pig and an alsation. After a few weeks, he's been pretty successful -built himself a shack and doing OK for food.

The only problem, is that he's really starting to miss sex.

He looks at the options open to him and looks at the alsation and the pig.

"Got to be the pig", he thinks.

So, he starts screwing this pig and all of a sudden, the alsation bites him on the arse.

Bloody hell, he thinks - this isn't on.

The next day, he tries again - alsation sinks his fangs into his arse again.

Man goes for walk on seashore, trying to think what he's going to do about this.

He comes across a young woman, looking in a bad way, lying on the beach.

He carries her back to his shack and spends the next week or so looking after her and getting her back to health.

After a week, she finally comes around and says to him "I am just so grateful for what you've done - anything I can do for you, just name it". "Hmmm, he thinks", looking at this beautiful young thing lying two feet from him.

"Well, there is something", he says somewhat nervously. "Yes, name it - anything at all - I'm yours"

"OK, can you take this fucking dog for a walk ?"

An English family head out one Saturday to do some shopping. While in the sports shop, the son picks up a Scotland football shirt and says to his sister, "I've decided to be a Scotland Supporter and I would like this for my birthday".

His sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the head and says, "Go talk to your mother". So off goes the little lad with the Blue Football shirt in hand and finds his mother. "Mum?" "Yes son?" "I've decided I'm going to be a Scotland supporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday".

The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head and says, "Go talk to your father". Off he goes with the football shirt in hand and finds his father.

"Dad?" "Yes son?" "I've decided I'm going to be a Scotland supporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday". The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head and says: "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"

About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards home. The father turns to his son and says "Son, I hope you've learned something today?" The son says, "Yes dad i have i have." "Good son, what is it?" The son replies, "I've only been a Scotland supporter for an hour and already I hate you bloody English!"

In the back woods of Scotland, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the
middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the
delivery.

To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern
and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."

Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.

"Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the
lantern down...I think there's yet another wee one to come."

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a bonnie lass.

"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern,
lad...It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.

The Scot scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor. "Do
ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?"

There was an Scotsman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train,there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark.

Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Scotsman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped.

The Englishman was thinking: 'The Scottish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.'

Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Scotsman and got slapped for it.'

And the Scotsman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make that kissing noise and slap that English bastard again.

The Scottish bus driver was giving a tour of Scotland to a group of tourists. The tour went through the countryside and the driver would point out sights of interest.

He drove by this one area and said, "Over there is where the Scottish PULVERIZED the English."

They drove on a little further and the driver pointed to another area along the roadway and said, "This is the place where the Scottish MASSACRED the English."

Not much further down the road the driver told his passengers that on the right was the great battlefield where the Scottish WHIPPED the English.

About that time a man on the bus, with a stiff English accent, said, "My good man, didn't the English win any battles around here?"


"Not when I'm driving the bus" was the response.

I got the giggles for long time now

These jokes are from a Scottish lady I use to work in San Diego.
We had some good times there.

Greet her from me please! She must be really wonderful lady and good friend,with whom is good to spend time

She says Thank you.We will be meeting at Christmas this year.

I'm sure that after that meeting you again be full of jokes and will give us lots of laugh too

This guy is sitting quietly reading his newspaper when this wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the head with a magazine.

"Ouch" he says. "What was that for?"

"That was for the piece of paper I found in your pants, with the name Laura Lou written on it."

"Two weeks ago when I went to the track, Laura Lou was the name of a horse I bet on" he explained.

"Oh Honey I’m so sorry" his wife said, "I should have known there was a good reason."



Three days later while watching TV his wife walked up behind him and hit him with an iron skillet, knocking him out cold.


After 15 minutes in great pain he said. "What in the world was that for?"


"Your horse phoned" screamed his wife.

Hope 'horse" was worth that

At an exhibition of the world's best swordsman, the third-place fencer took the stage. A fly was released, and with an arc of his sword he cut the fly in half. The crowd cheered. Then the second-place man sliced a fly into quarters. A hush fell in anticipation of the world's greatest swordsman.

His blade came down in a mighty arc - but the insect continued on its way! The crowd was aghast. The greatest swordsman had missed his target completely, yet he continued to smile.

"Why are you so happy?" someone yelled. "You missed!"

"Ah," replied the swordsman, "you weren't watching very carefully. They fly lives, yes - but he will never be a father."