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A few days after Christmas, A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son yell "All you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, because this is the last stop! All of you sons of bitches that are getting on, get your asses in the train cause were leaving". The mother went in and told her son, "we don't use that kind of language in this house." Now I want you to go into your room for two hours. When you come out, you can play with your train, but I don't want to hear any bad language.

Two hours later, the son comes out of his room and continues playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard the son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your ride was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon. For those of you who are just boarding the train, we ask that you stow all of your hand luggage under the seat, remember there is no smoking except on the club car. We hope you have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today".

"For those of you who are pissed off with the two hour delay , please see the bitch in the kitchen."

A farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a door and a shapely 40 something lady dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door. He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, "Would you like to buy some peaches? "

She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, "Are they as firm as this?"

He nodded his head and said, "Yes ma'am," and a little tear ran from his eye.

Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, "Are they nice and pink like this?"

The farmer said, "Yes," and another tear came from the other eye.

Then the lady unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, "Are they as fuzzy as this?"

He again said, "Yes," and broke down crying.

The lady asked, "Why on earth are you crying?"

Drying his eyes he replied, "The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn and now I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches."

A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.



While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"

His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too.

A mother had 3 daughters. They were all getting married within a
short time period. Because mom was a bit worried about how their sex
lives would get started, she made them all promise to send a
postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex
felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.
The card said nothing but "Nescafe." Mom was puzzled at first, but
then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good
till the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding,
and the card read: "Benson & Hedges." Mom now knew to go straight to
her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges
pack: "Extra Long. King Size." She was again slightly embarrased but
still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean . Mom waited
for a week, nothing. Another week went by, and still nothing. Then
after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with
shaky handwriting were the words: "British Airways." Mom took out
her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages
fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for the airline. The ad
said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways." Mom
fainted.

After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another
man on her nightstand by the bed.


He begins to worry.. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.


"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.


"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.


"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.


"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires,
hoping to be reassured.


"No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!"
she answers.


"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.


"That's me before the surgery."

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story & listened to her
prayers which ended by saying: 'God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless
Grandma & good-bye Grandpa.'

The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye grandpa?' The little girl said, 'I
don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.' The next day grandpa
died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed & listened to her prayers
which went like this: 'God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy & good-bye grandma'
The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is
in contact with the other side.

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say:
'God bless Mommy & good-bye Daddy.'

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night & got up at the
crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, & watched
the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He
felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he
stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch & jumping at every sound.
Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief & went home.

When he got home his wife said 'I've never seen you work so late, what's the
matter?'

He said 'I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my
life.'

She said, 'You think you had a bad day. You'll never believe what happened to
me. This morning my tennis pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!

A young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling like expensive perfume. She turns to an old woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"

Another young, beautiful woman gets onto the elevator and also smells of very expensive perfume. She arrogantly turns to the old woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 dollars an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both of the women in the eyes, turns around, bends over, farts and says,

"Broccoli, 49 cents a pound!"

One day God and Adam were walking in the Garden of Eden. God told Adam that it was time to populate the Earth. "Adam", he said, "you can start by kissing Eve"

"What's a kiss?" asked Adam.

God explained and then Adam took Eve behind a bish and kissed her. Adam returned with a big smile on his face and enthused "That was terrific. What's next?"

"Now you must caress Eve," said God.

"What caress?" asked Adam.

God explained and then Adam led Eve behind a bush and lovingly caress her. Adam returned with a big smile and said: "That was even better than kissing. What's next?"

"I want you to make love to Eve" said God.

"What is make love?" asked Adam.

God explained and then Adam led Eve behind a bush.

A few seconds later Adam returned and asked God: "What's a headache?"

Three idiots decide to go hunting. The first one says he's going to get a buck. He goes out, and indeed comes back with a buck. The other two hunters ask how he did it. He says, "I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get buck."
So the second hunter says that he's going to get a doe. And he does. They ask him how he did it, and he says, "I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get doe."

So the third hunter says, "I'm just gonna shoot at anything I see."

So he goes out and comes back half a day later all beaten, bruised, bloody, and totally trashed. The other two hunters ask him what happened and he says, "I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get hit by train!"

A priest got called out to an emergency so asked his last repenter to take over hearing confessions for him. He gave him a book with all the penances.

The man heard the usual sins and gave out the prescribed penance.

The last person to confess said he had oral sex.

The stand-in frantically looked for the proper penance but couldn't find it.

He noticed an altar boy walking by and whispered to him "what does father give for oral sex?"to which the altar boy replied

''A bag of chips and a pepsi!"

There once was a young couple who lived in a town filled with crime. After three neighbors' houses had been robbed, the couple decided to get a guard dog.
So one day the wife went to the pet store and said, “I need a good guard dog.”

And the clerk replied, “Sorry, we're all sold out. All we have left is this little Scottie dog. But he knows karate.”

The wife didn't believe him so he said to the dog, "Karate that chair.”

The dog went up to the chair and broke it into pieces, then he said to the dog, “Karate that table.” The dog went up to the table and broke it in half.

So the wife bought the dog and took it home to her husband who was expecting a big guard dog. But then she told her husband that it knew karate, and he said “Karate my ass!”

A man was found dead in his home over the weekend.

Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bathtub.

The tub had been filled with milk, sugar and cornflakes.

A banana was sticking out of his butt.

Police suspect a cereal killer.

Twelve priests were about to be ordained The final
test was for them to line up in a straight row,
totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big
breasted, nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie
and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when
she danced in front of them would not be ordained
because he had not reached a state of spiritual
purity

The beautiful model danced before the first
candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the
line with the same response from all the priests until
she got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos.

As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it
flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to
rest in nearby foliage. Embarrassed, Carlos quickly
scrambled to where the bell came to rest.

He bent over to pick it up......

and..






Then all the other bells started to ring.

George Bush has a heart attack and dies.

Obviously, he goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him.

"I'm not sure what to do," says the devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. As you definitely have to stay here, I'm going to have to let someone else go. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves."

George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room and in it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of hot water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over. Such was his fate in hell.

"No." George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could stay in hot water all day."

The devil led him to the next room, In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, swing, swing, time after time. Such was his fate in hell.

"No." I've got a problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I did was break rocks all day," commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In it was Bill Clinton lying on a bed with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in a spread-eagled pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while then finally said, "Yeah, I reckon I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said, "Ok, Monica, you're free to go!"

A Jamaican fireman came home from work, one day and said to his wife,
"Y'know sumptin womon, we have a wonderful new system at de fire
station."

Bell 1 rings - we put on our jackets.

Bell 2 rings we slide down de pole.

Bell 3 rings -we jump on de ingine and we's ready to go.

"From now on womon, when I say, 'Bell one' I want you to strip naked.
When I say, 'Bell two' you jump on de bed.
When I say, 'Bell three' we's gonna mek love all tru de night girl."

The next night, he came home and shouted, "Bell One" and the wife
stripped naked!
"Bell Two" and she jumped on the bed!
"Bell Three" and they started to make love!

After a few minutes, the wife yelled out, "Bell Four !!!!"
"WOMON ... What de hell is 'Bell ! Four'?" he asked.

She replied, "Roll out more hose, mon, you ain't nowhere near de fire!"

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know,

Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry a
bout his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the
other Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with
them, Sir!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?

An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are "Seniors" in
Texas. Ray always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy
boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them,
wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the
house and says to his wife "notice anything different
about me?"

Bessie looks him over, "nope." Frustrated Ray storms
off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into
the room completely naked except for the boots.

Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice
anything DIFFERENT NOW?"

Bessie looks up and says, "Ray, what's different? It's
hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday,
it'll be hanging down again tomorrow".

Furious, Ray yells, "DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING
DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING
AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!!!!!!

To which Bessie! replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Ray.
Shoulda bought a hat".

The latest telephone poll taken by the office of
Governor Schwarzenegger of California asked
whether or not people who live in California think
illegal immigration is a serious problem:

A) 35% of respondents answered:
"Yes, it is a serious problem."

B) 65% of respondents answered:
"No es una problema serio."

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife "Quick, bring me a beer before it
starts."

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished
it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it
was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."

"That's it!" She blows her top, "You **stard! You waltz in here, flop
your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to
run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long??"

The husband sighed. "Oh shit, it's started.