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A Catholic teenager goes to confession, and after confessing to an affair with a girl is told by the priest that he can't be forgiven unless he reveals who the girl is.

"I promised not to tell!" he says. "Was it Mary Patricia, the butcher's daughter?" the preist asks.

"No, and I said I wouldn't tell." "Was it Mary Elizabeth, the printer's daughter?"

"No, and I still won't tell!" 'Was it Mary Francis, the baker's daughter?" "No," says the boy.

'Well, son," says the priest, "I have no choice but to excommunicate you for six months.


" Outside, the boy's friends ask what happened. "Well," he says, "I got six months, but three good leads."

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how
important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When
he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father.

The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a
bishop.Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you
down,but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say
'Your Eminence' "

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first
three women give her this subtle "Well...?" She replies, "My son is a
gorgeous, 6'2", hardbodied, well hung, male stripper. Whenever he
walks into a room, women say, "My God...."

Posts: 192 Woman on the top floor of a hi-rise apt decides it is such a sunny and warm morning that she will hang up her laundry to dry outside on the deck. As she was hanging her clothes she leaned a bit too far over the rail and lost her footing and began her fall to her demise.
The day was so spectacular that others in the building decided to do the same or just take in the fresh morning air. Then a man on the 4th floor below her heard a scream and looked up to see her falling so he reaches over the rail to save her. He says to her if you want saved you must suck me! She said screw you I don't suck so he drops her.

Several floors further she again is reeled in by a man on his deck and he too reaches out to save her but he also had a condition, he said to her "f..k me and I will save you! She cries screw you I won't do it, so he drops her.



3 floors from certain death she again is nabbed mid flight by the Pastor and she cries "OK OK I will suck you and f..k you if you save me!

The pastor shouts "SLUT" and drops her.

Welcome back!!! At last again be a lot of good jokes!!!!!
And all you post now are wonderful!!!!

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull, but that's not the worst of it.

My fenders are too wide to be considered stylish. They were once as sleek as a little MG; now they look more like an old Buick.

My seat cushions have split open at the seams. My seats are sagging. Seat belts? I gave up all belts when Krispy Cremes opened a shop in my neighborhood.!

Air bag's ?Forget it. The only bags I have these days are under my eyes. Not counting the saddlebags, of course.

I have soooooo many miles on my odometer. Sure, I've been many places and seen many things, but when's the last time an appraiser factored life experiences against depreciation?

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with lifes tough spots.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.

My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it -


almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter.....either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires.

A little boy was waiting on his mother to come out of a store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the post office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure, just go straight down the street a couple of blocks and turn to your right."

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new preacher in town and I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle,

"Yeah Right. you don't even know the way to the post office!"

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road.

He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs,
forcing her habit to open and reveal a lovely leg.

The priest had a look and nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said: "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand.

Changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said: "Father, Psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologized,?

"Sorry, Sister, but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way.

Upon his arrival at the church, the Priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up Psalm 129.


It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."




Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

With all the new technology regarding fertility, A 65 year-old woman gave birth to a baby.

When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.

"May we see the new baby?" one asked.

"Not yet," said the 65 year-old mother, "soon."

Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"

"Not yet," said the mother.

After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?"

"No," replied the mother.

Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?"

"WHEN IT CRIES," she told them.

"WHEN IT CRIES??" they demanded. "Why do we have to wait until it CRIES??"

"BECAUSE, I forgot where I put it..."

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one-day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,

"Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven"???

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to
get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello, son is your Grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."


The minister fainted.

This guy was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the middle of a storm.

No cars went by and the storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car come towards him and stop.

The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door - just to realize there's nobody behind the wheel!! The car starts slowly... The guy looks at the road and sees a curve coming his way. Scared, he starts to pray, begging for his life.

He hasn't come out of shock, when just before he hits the curve, a hand appears thru the window and moves the wheel!

The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every time they are before a curve.

The guy gathering strength gets out of the car and runs to the nearest town.

Wet and in shock, he goes to the Pine bar and asks for two shots of tequila, and starts telling everybody about the horrible experience he went thru.

A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy was crying and wasn't drunk.

About half an hour later two guys walked in the same bar and one says to the other:

"Look Bubba, that's the a**hole that got in the car when we were pushing it!!!"

Headlines from the year 2029!

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formally known as California.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.

Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are,
the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae.


The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid
deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.


Fcuknig amzanig huh?

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. On this particular day, the teacher wanted to ask her class which part of the body went to heaven first.

One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think your mind goes to heaven first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God."

The teacher praises the little girl as a little boy raises his hand. He says, "I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all about love."

"Very good," said the teacher. The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny's hand up. "Oh no," she thought, "I'm not gonna like this". "Little Johnny, which part of the body do you think goes to heaven first?". Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says, "Your feet." The teacher asked him why he thought your feet go to heaven first.

He replied, "Well, I was walking past my parents' bedroom last night and my mom had her feet up in the air and she said, 'Oh God, I'm coming!', but fortunately Dad was on top of her holding her down."

A blonde was trying to sell her old car but wasn't having any luck because the car had 250,000 miles on it.

One day, she mentioned this to a friend. Her friend told her, "There is a way to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."

"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "I've just gotta sell it."

"Okay," said the friend. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the odometer in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell it."

The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic.

About one month after that, her friend asked her, "Well, did you sell your car?"

"No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"

This man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs. He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding bottle."

"OK," says the clerk. "What do you call it?"

"A fottle, replies the inventor."

"A fottle? That's a stupid! Can't you think of something else?"

"I can think about it. I've got something else though. It's a folding carton."

"And what do you call that?" asks the clerk.

"A farton", replies the inventor.

"That's rude. You can't possibly call it that!"

"In that case," says the inventor, "you're really going to hate the name of my folding bucket."

A magician worked on a cruise ship. Since the audience was different each week, he did the same tricks over and over again.

One problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once the parrot understood, she started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat! Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table. Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.

Then the ship sank.

After swimming for a few hours, the magician found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot. They stared malevolently at each other but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another, and then another.

Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could restrain itself no longer:

"OK," she said, "I give up. What'd you do with the damn fcking ship?"

Memo to all employees:

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.!.T)

We are trying to give our employees more S.H.!.T than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.!.T on the course,please see your supervisor. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.!.T list, and our supervisors are especially skilled at seeing you get all the S.H.!.T. you can handle.

Employees who don't take their S. H.!.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P.S.H.!.T).

Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.!.T seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING(E.A.T.S.H.!.T).

Since our supervisors took S.H.!.T before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.!.T anymore, and are all full of S.H.!.T already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T,you may be interested in a job teaching others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LIST of LEADERS(B.U.L.L.S.H.!.T).


For employees who are intending to pursue a career in management and consulting, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E.S.H.!.T).

This course emphasizes how to manage M.O.R.E. S.H.!.T


If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T.S.H.!.T).

Thank you,
BOSS IN GENERAL, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G.S.H.!.T)

P.S. Now send this S.H.!.T to 5 people under you who need S.H.!.T in their life, just not the same person who sent you this S.H.!.T They have already had their fill of S.H.!.T Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,
The Director Under the Main Bureau of Super High Intensity Training. (The D.U.M.B.S.H.!.T).

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to get the building materials for his home.

She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said...'Holy sh!t, A talking pig!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

The Turkey popped out of the oven and rocketed in to the air; It knocked every plate off the table
and partly demolished a chair.


It ricocheted into a corner and burst with a deafening boom, Then splattered all over the kitchen,
completely obscuring the room.


It stuck to the walls and the windows, it totally coated the floor,

There was turkey attached to the ceiling, where there had never been turkey before..

It blanketed every appliance, it smeared every saucer and bowl;


There wasn't a way I could stop it; that turkey was out of control.


I scraped and I scraped with displeasure and thought with chagrin as I mopped,

That I would never again stuff a turkey with popcorn that hadn't been popped.

MODERN TIMES.

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that you don't have their e-mail addresses.
6. You go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
13. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.
14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
15. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)
17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to tell this to.
19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.