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The List

Seated at the table I carefully look around
To make sure there are none who are near.
I lift the receiver and dial the numbers
I check again there is no one to overhear.

The advertisment stated that a female was needed
As I'm one... I think that I may have a chance
The voice on the phone is suductive and deep
All at once I am listening in a trance.

The requirements, says he, are but a few
Please answer as I work down the list...
Firstly, are you a virgin? if not why not?
And when was the last time you were kissed?

I take a deep breath and gulp for air
My cheeks are stained dark red
This list of requirements is so confronting
I can hardly believe it... as I said...

Why do you want to know about me?
Why about the time I last kissed?
As salt water trickles down my face
I scrub at my eyes with my fists.

I'm an honoury Born Again Virgin
I haven't actually 'made love' for years...
The lst time I was kissed I orgasmed
But truthfully, that is the least of my fears...

I think I may be sexually disfunctional
I don't have much confidence in bed...
I think I may need a better body
And to go with it - a better looking head.

I have what is known as no cofidence
I make make fun at my own expense
When I last went to a pool to go swimming
Everyone ran away and lept over the fence.

With the silence on the phone deafening
I wait sadly for his reply
Surely he could not want me...
I just want to curl up and die

Great! The voice booms, that's wonderful
When would you like to start
I have bad problems with body odour
And regularly let off the odd smelly fart.

I stockpile fluff in my belly button
Haven't reached my own toes in over a year
I hate the idea of cleanliness
Water and soap is my one greatest fear.

You sound like you could be desperate
And I'll lower my standards for you
To have a woman in my bed again!
This sounds far too good to be true!

I sigh now, considering the options
He appears to like me for me!
How great it would be to be held again
Part of a couple... as life was meant to be.

Should I lower my own 'standards'?
This is the first time that we have spoke
His voice is such a turn on...
Could I love this desperate bloke?

We carefully organise a date to meet
At a fairly standard place
He'll be the one with the hat
And I'll have the blushing face.

I consider teliing him my own list
Starting with the names of all my children...
But I'll wait the few days till we meet
Because... though I may be single and have five children
And be going through a divoce
And struggling to make ends meet
And be lonely
I am not desperate.

Yet...

Posted: Fri Jun 19, 2009 8:25 PM CST