New relationships can't be clear-cut, everyone has baggage. ( Archived) (40)

Sep 26, 2014 1:41 PM CSTNew relationships can't be clear-cut, everyone has baggage.
VivianLee
VivianLeeVivianLeeLivingston, Lothian, Scotland, UK16 Threads 16 Polls 249 Posts

New relationships can't be clear-cut, everyone has baggage.(Vote Below)

- (To Vote: select an option above, then press this button)
Assume there'll never be a problem?
4
10%
Fret about it?
0
0%
Ignore it?
2
5%
Let him talk (and talk, and talk) about it?
13
33%
Brace yourself for a possible tug of war?
5
13%
Back away regretfully?
4
10%
take out a contract on the ex? hehe
2
5%
other
9
23%
Total Votes
39
So, you met someone, and he's lovely, and things are better than seemed possible but - he has emotional scars, baggage. A manipulative ex who won't quit, and he reacts. He's potty about me, and I'm potty about him, but ... it's very new. How would you want your new lover to react? One of the options I listed, or did I miss a better one?
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Sep 26, 2014 2:04 PM CST New relationships can't be clear-cut, everyone has baggage.
jono7
jono7jono7Out West, British Columbia Canada3 Threads 8,017 Posts
VivianLee: So, you met someone, and he's lovely, and things are better than seemed possible but - he has emotional scars, baggage. A manipulative ex who won't quit, and he reacts. He's potty about me, and I'm potty about him, but ... it's very new. How would you want your new lover to react? One of the options I listed, or did I miss a better one?


i would want my new someone to try to be understanding, accepting, and supportive. by my age, most folks have baggage....but as long as they are working on it...love is about the 'Us', not the 'me'.
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Sep 26, 2014 2:07 PM CST New relationships can't be clear-cut, everyone has baggage.
What do they need to have contact for?

If it's the divorce, it'll pass, let him talk.

If it's children, maybe recommend he keeps communication confined to what is necessary and reply to stuff which is unnecessary.

It will pass, he does need to work through it. You need to talk and work through too, through. Say how you feel about each incident that he raises. Explore your feelings, both of you. What do those feelings remind you of? What is to do with your past experiences interacting with the present? What is changeable? What needs to be accepted as simply being the way it is?
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Sep 26, 2014 2:15 PM CST New relationships can't be clear-cut, everyone has baggage.
unlaoised
unlaoisedunlaoisedTwilight zone, Wicklow Ireland34 Threads 12,152 Posts
VivianLee: So, you met someone, and he's lovely, and things are better than seemed possible but - he has emotional scars, baggage. A manipulative ex who won't quit, and he reacts. He's potty about me, and I'm potty about him, but ... it's very new. How would you want your new lover to react? One of the options I listed, or did I miss a better one?


I'd back off. Been there, done that...never again

Hiya Viv wave hug
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Sep 26, 2014 2:20 PM CST New relationships can't be clear-cut, everyone has baggage.
Lannna23
Lannna23Lannna23las Vegas, Nevada USA23 Threads 1,091 Posts
unlaoised: I'd back off. Been there, done that...never again

Hiya Viv



Same here

wave
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Sep 26, 2014 2:21 PM CST New relationships can't be clear-cut, everyone has baggage.
unlaoised
unlaoisedunlaoisedTwilight zone, Wicklow Ireland34 Threads 12,152 Posts
Lannna23: Same here


Hiya Lanna wave
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Sep 26, 2014 2:24 PM CST New relationships can't be clear-cut, everyone has baggage.
Lannna23
Lannna23Lannna23las Vegas, Nevada USA23 Threads 1,091 Posts
VivianLee: So, you met someone, and he's lovely, and things are better than seemed possible but - he has emotional scars, baggage. A manipulative ex who won't quit, and he reacts. He's potty about me, and I'm potty about him, but ... it's very new. How would you want your new lover to react? One of the options I listed, or did I miss a better one?


I am not sure that he will ever change his habits. You will waste your emotions, time, desire....getting in return nothing, or (like in my case) getting in return accusation for "not understanding purposes of their communication - kids" - by mentioning kids, I usually zipped.
Wish you a good luck, but I would back off.
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Sep 26, 2014 2:24 PM CST New relationships can't be clear-cut, everyone has baggage.
Lannna23
Lannna23Lannna23las Vegas, Nevada USA23 Threads 1,091 Posts
unlaoised: Hiya Lanna


Hi
hug
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Sep 26, 2014 2:27 PM CST New relationships can't be clear-cut, everyone has baggage.
VivianLee: So, you met someone, and he's lovely, and things are better than seemed possible but - he has emotional scars, baggage. A manipulative ex who won't quit, and he reacts. He's potty about me, and I'm potty about him, but ... it's very new. How would you want your new lover to react? One of the options I listed, or did I miss a better one?
..yes you did. people with no baggage........wave
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Sep 26, 2014 2:52 PM CST New relationships can't be clear-cut, everyone has baggage.
Obstinance_Works
Obstinance_WorksObstinance_WorksManchester, Greater Manchester, England UK3 Threads 1 Polls 3,514 Posts
VivianLee: So, you met someone, and he's lovely, and things are better than seemed possible but - he has emotional scars, baggage. A manipulative ex who won't quit, and he reacts. He's potty about me, and I'm potty about him, but ... it's very new. How would you want your new lover to react? One of the options I listed, or did I miss a better one?


Interesting way you've framed the question. You're not asking what would be wise for you to do, which would be intuitive, instead you're asking what he would want you to do.. You know that sometimes baggage and being in love with the ex are one and the same thing.
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Sep 26, 2014 3:23 PM CST New relationships can't be clear-cut, everyone has baggage.
Obstinance_Works
Obstinance_WorksObstinance_WorksManchester, Greater Manchester, England UK3 Threads 1 Polls 3,514 Posts
Obstinance_Works: Interesting way you've framed the question. You're not asking what would be wise for you to do, which would be intuitive, instead you're asking what he would want you to do.. You know that sometimes baggage and being in love with the ex are one and the same thing.


You still don't know if this guy is on the level and yet his desires are outweighing your interests. You didn't have to state that you're potty about him as this makes that clear. More clear than the words alone.

Normally I wouldn't be so pessimistic, but the way you're asking suggests to my mind that you've surrendered already and you're trying to excuse and ignore red flags.
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Sep 26, 2014 3:26 PM CST New relationships can't be clear-cut, everyone has baggage.
LadyDiz2
LadyDiz2LadyDiz2Jhb, Gauteng South Africa1,740 Posts
I would like him to, despite his past, believe I'm worth taking a risk on.
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Sep 26, 2014 4:05 PM CST New relationships can't be clear-cut, everyone has baggage.
VivianLee
VivianLeeVivianLeeLivingston, Lothian, Scotland UK16 Threads 16 Polls 249 Posts
jac_the_gripper: What do they need to have contact for?

If it's the divorce, it'll pass, let him talk.

If it's children, maybe recommend he keeps communication confined to what is necessary and reply to stuff which is unnecessary.

It will pass, he does need to work through it. You need to talk and work through too, through. Say how you feel about each incident that he raises. Explore your feelings, both of you. What do those feelings remind you of? What is to do with your past experiences interacting with the present? What is changeable? What needs to be accepted as simply being the way it is?


No children, fortunately. Your last paragraph, yes, good advice. Thanks!
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Sep 26, 2014 4:06 PM CST New relationships can't be clear-cut, everyone has baggage.
unlaoised: I'd back off. Been there, done that...never again

Hiya Viv
thumbs up baggage can be ditched. (I just had to let a long-time friend go--it was plutonic, and a long, long time of knowing each other). The constant anger and negativity was wearing on me, and the situation was getting close to me having to take measures to stop phone calls, e-mail, etc...**I let it go too far...my fault for that. Baggage is exactly that. That's why it's called 'baggage'. Even archaic writers used the term. In "The Scarlet Letter", by Hawthorne, he is writing as if the year were about 1670 or so. A group of women are discussing Hester, and one refers to her as "naughty baggage". and so forth.....



**it seems she may have taken the hints --halleluia to the nth degree
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Sep 26, 2014 4:11 PM CST New relationships can't be clear-cut, everyone has baggage.
VivianLee
VivianLeeVivianLeeLivingston, Lothian, Scotland UK16 Threads 16 Polls 249 Posts
unlaoised: I'd back off. Been there, done that...never again

Hiya Viv


Hiya! wave Hmm. I've never been in this situation before, hence the poll. Well, if things stay the same - I'll take your advice. I'll give it a little time first, though. Just in case bouquet
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Sep 26, 2014 4:19 PM CST New relationships can't be clear-cut, everyone has baggage.
VivianLee
VivianLeeVivianLeeLivingston, Lothian, Scotland UK16 Threads 16 Polls 249 Posts
truheart1941: ..yes you did. people with no baggage........


yup, I didn't realize how manipulative the ex was until she reacted to us getting together! Poison spew. barf But people with no baggage at all, my age, that's almost as unnerving. I just wondered how others in this situation have reacted.
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Sep 26, 2014 4:23 PM CST New relationships can't be clear-cut, everyone has baggage.
mollybaby
mollybabymollybabyCork City, Cork Ireland56 Threads 8 Polls 23,608 Posts
If there are no kids, then there should be minimal, if any, contact with his ex.

Bickering indicated emotions.

If he cannot leave her in the past, I wouldn't want to be part of his present or future.
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Sep 26, 2014 4:25 PM CST New relationships can't be clear-cut, everyone has baggage.
VivianLee
VivianLeeVivianLeeLivingston, Lothian, Scotland UK16 Threads 16 Polls 249 Posts
Obstinance_Works: Interesting way you've framed the question. You're not asking what would be wise for you to do, which would be intuitive, instead you're asking what he would want you to do.. You know that sometimes baggage and being in love with the ex are one and the same thing.


No, it genuinely was a request for advice. My first reaction was to back off and get out of the way, because I completely agree about the 'one and the same thing'. When it's over, it's over, so if it isn't, it isn't over. At the same time, we have something potentially good, new as it is. So I asked the collective laugh
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Sep 26, 2014 4:26 PM CST New relationships can't be clear-cut, everyone has baggage.
VivianLee
VivianLeeVivianLeeLivingston, Lothian, Scotland UK16 Threads 16 Polls 249 Posts
LadyDiz2: I would like him to, despite his past, believe I'm worth taking a risk on.


He does. rolling on the floor laughing
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Sep 26, 2014 4:28 PM CST New relationships can't be clear-cut, everyone has baggage.
VivianLee
VivianLeeVivianLeeLivingston, Lothian, Scotland UK16 Threads 16 Polls 249 Posts
rohaan: baggage can be ditched. (I just had to let a long-time friend go--it was plutonic, and a long, long time of knowing each other). The constant anger and negativity was wearing on me, and the situation was getting close to me having to take measures to stop phone calls, e-mail, etc...**I let it go too far...my fault for that. Baggage is exactly that. That's why it's called 'baggage'. Even archaic writers used the term. In "The Scarlet Letter", by Hawthorne, he is writing as if the year were about 1670 or so. A group of women are discussing Hester, and one refers to her as "naughty baggage". and so forth.....
**it seems she may have taken the hints --halleluia to the nth degree


** fingers crossed!
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Sep 26, 2014 4:29 PM CST New relationships can't be clear-cut, everyone has baggage.
KNenagh
KNenaghKNenaghAachen, Kilkenny Ireland12 Threads 11,160 Posts
VivianLee: So, you met someone, and he's lovely, and things are better than seemed possible but - he has emotional scars, baggage. A manipulative ex who won't quit, and he reacts. He's potty about me, and I'm potty about him, but ... it's very new. How would you want your new lover to react? One of the options I listed, or did I miss a better one?


Everyone has exes, all I can say I worked to get over mine (which took in fairness longer than I expected) hole and for me an ex is an ex is an ex - means I have NO CONTACT WHATSOEVER with any of my exes - which I find reasonable as long as no kids are involved.

I would be supportive and give things a chance, but I would tell him in no uncertain terms that an ex is an ex and there shouldn't be any contact (when there are no children involved).
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Sep 26, 2014 4:30 PM CST New relationships can't be clear-cut, everyone has baggage.
VivianLee
VivianLeeVivianLeeLivingston, Lothian, Scotland UK16 Threads 16 Polls 249 Posts
mollybaby: If there are no kids, then there should be minimal, if any, contact with his ex.

Bickering indicated emotions.

If he cannot leave her in the past, I wouldn't want to be part of his present or future.


Ouch. But good point well made.
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Sep 26, 2014 4:33 PM CST New relationships can't be clear-cut, everyone has baggage.
mollybaby
mollybabymollybabyCork City, Cork Ireland56 Threads 8 Polls 23,608 Posts
VivianLee: Ouch. But good point well made.


Sorry for ouching you!hug
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Sep 26, 2014 4:34 PM CST New relationships can't be clear-cut, everyone has baggage.
t84rod
t84rodt84rodNaperville, Illinois USA5 Threads 1 Polls 108 Posts
mollybaby: If there are no kids, then there should be minimal, if any, contact with his ex.

Bickering indicated emotions.

If he cannot leave her in the past, I wouldn't want to be part of his present or future.


Often times the mother of a man's children will always be considered the love of his life. It will be wise give him sufficient space so that he makes appropriate decisions. Wether it means he attempts to regain her, moves on to a new relationship, or on his own to a while until he once again becomes stable.
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Sep 26, 2014 4:38 PM CST New relationships can't be clear-cut, everyone has baggage.
pedalguy59
pedalguy59pedalguy59Burlington, Ontario Canada28 Threads 1 Polls 6,976 Posts
Ex's are ex, not seen or heard, If one is of mature age, children
are grown adults, hence no baggage. If one is still clinging emotionally
to a past relationship, they have no business being in a new one.
Obviously not enough time has passed, or someone has not dealt with it.
I have seen people rush into a new relationship before the bed is even
cold.imo.
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Sep 26, 2014 4:38 PM CST New relationships can't be clear-cut, everyone has baggage.
mollybaby
mollybabymollybabyCork City, Cork Ireland56 Threads 8 Polls 23,608 Posts
t84rod: Often times the mother of a man's children will always be considered the love of his life. It will be wise give him sufficient space so that he makes appropriate decisions. Wether it means he attempts to regain her, moves on to a new relationship, or on his own to a while until he once again becomes stable.


I agree, but there are no kids in this scenario. Therefore, the contact is not necessary.
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Sep 26, 2014 4:58 PM CST New relationships can't be clear-cut, everyone has baggage.
VivianLee
VivianLeeVivianLeeLivingston, Lothian, Scotland UK16 Threads 16 Polls 249 Posts
Lannna23: I am not sure that he will ever change his habits. You will waste your emotions, time, desire....getting in return nothing, or (like in my case) getting in return accusation for "not understanding purposes of their communication - kids" - by mentioning kids, I usually zipped.
Wish you a good luck, but I would back off.


Fair comment. I'll play it by ear and if nothing seems to be changing leave them to it.
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Sep 26, 2014 4:59 PM CST New relationships can't be clear-cut, everyone has baggage.
VivianLee
VivianLeeVivianLeeLivingston, Lothian, Scotland UK16 Threads 16 Polls 249 Posts
mollybaby: Sorry for ouching you!


haha no harm done! handshake
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Sep 26, 2014 5:03 PM CST New relationships can't be clear-cut, everyone has baggage.
VivianLee
VivianLeeVivianLeeLivingston, Lothian, Scotland UK16 Threads 16 Polls 249 Posts
pedalguy59: Ex's are ex, not seen or heard, If one is of mature age, children
are grown adults, hence no baggage. If one is still clinging emotionally
to a past relationship, they have no business being in a new one.
Obviously not enough time has passed, or someone has not dealt with it.
I have seen people rush into a new relationship before the bed is even
cold.imo.


Time IS an issue. That's why I'm up for giving this a bit of time. If the whole thing doesn't die a natural death, then there is a problem.
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Sep 26, 2014 5:44 PM CST New relationships can't be clear-cut, everyone has baggage.
Ocee102
Ocee102Ocee102unkown, California USA10 Threads 1,399 Posts
If you like him enough to stay, then stay.

If you don't like him enough to look past with what's going on then leave, because you don't have the foundation to work through it anyway.

Despite popular belief, most of us don't appreciate being viewed

as fixer uppers.
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Sep 27, 2014 4:07 AM CST New relationships can't be clear-cut, everyone has baggage.
Solamente
SolamenteSolamenteAdeje, Tenerife, Canary Islands Spain28 Threads 21 Polls 215 Posts
“How would you want your new lover to react?”.... Smitten and committed to you.

“One of the options I listed, or did I miss a better one?”.... Offer to carry the baggage?
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Message #318

Stats for this Poll

39 Votes
1,850 Views
40 Comments
by VivianLee (16 Polls)
Created: Sep 2014
Last Viewed: Mar 20
Last Commented: Sep 2014
Last Voted: Jul 2017

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