So, you met someone, and he's lovely, and things are better than seemed possible but - he has emotional scars, baggage. A manipulative ex who won't quit, and he reacts. He's potty about me, and I'm potty about him, but ... it's very new. How would you want your new lover to react? One of the options I listed, or did I miss a better one?
VivianLee: So, you met someone, and he's lovely, and things are better than seemed possible but - he has emotional scars, baggage. A manipulative ex who won't quit, and he reacts. He's potty about me, and I'm potty about him, but ... it's very new. How would you want your new lover to react? One of the options I listed, or did I miss a better one?
i would want my new someone to try to be understanding, accepting, and supportive. by my age, most folks have baggage....but as long as they are working on it...love is about the 'Us', not the 'me'.
If it's children, maybe recommend he keeps communication confined to what is necessary and reply to stuff which is unnecessary.
It will pass, he does need to work through it. You need to talk and work through too, through. Say how you feel about each incident that he raises. Explore your feelings, both of you. What do those feelings remind you of? What is to do with your past experiences interacting with the present? What is changeable? What needs to be accepted as simply being the way it is?
VivianLee: So, you met someone, and he's lovely, and things are better than seemed possible but - he has emotional scars, baggage. A manipulative ex who won't quit, and he reacts. He's potty about me, and I'm potty about him, but ... it's very new. How would you want your new lover to react? One of the options I listed, or did I miss a better one?
VivianLee: So, you met someone, and he's lovely, and things are better than seemed possible but - he has emotional scars, baggage. A manipulative ex who won't quit, and he reacts. He's potty about me, and I'm potty about him, but ... it's very new. How would you want your new lover to react? One of the options I listed, or did I miss a better one?
I am not sure that he will ever change his habits. You will waste your emotions, time, desire....getting in return nothing, or (like in my case) getting in return accusation for "not understanding purposes of their communication - kids" - by mentioning kids, I usually zipped. Wish you a good luck, but I would back off.
VivianLee: So, you met someone, and he's lovely, and things are better than seemed possible but - he has emotional scars, baggage. A manipulative ex who won't quit, and he reacts. He's potty about me, and I'm potty about him, but ... it's very new. How would you want your new lover to react? One of the options I listed, or did I miss a better one?
VivianLee: So, you met someone, and he's lovely, and things are better than seemed possible but - he has emotional scars, baggage. A manipulative ex who won't quit, and he reacts. He's potty about me, and I'm potty about him, but ... it's very new. How would you want your new lover to react? One of the options I listed, or did I miss a better one?
Interesting way you've framed the question. You're not asking what would be wise for you to do, which would be intuitive, instead you're asking what he would want you to do.. You know that sometimes baggage and being in love with the ex are one and the same thing.
Obstinance_Works: Interesting way you've framed the question. You're not asking what would be wise for you to do, which would be intuitive, instead you're asking what he would want you to do.. You know that sometimes baggage and being in love with the ex are one and the same thing.
You still don't know if this guy is on the level and yet his desires are outweighing your interests. You didn't have to state that you're potty about him as this makes that clear. More clear than the words alone.
Normally I wouldn't be so pessimistic, but the way you're asking suggests to my mind that you've surrendered already and you're trying to excuse and ignore red flags.
jac_the_gripper: What do they need to have contact for?
If it's the divorce, it'll pass, let him talk.
If it's children, maybe recommend he keeps communication confined to what is necessary and reply to stuff which is unnecessary.
It will pass, he does need to work through it. You need to talk and work through too, through. Say how you feel about each incident that he raises. Explore your feelings, both of you. What do those feelings remind you of? What is to do with your past experiences interacting with the present? What is changeable? What needs to be accepted as simply being the way it is?
No children, fortunately. Your last paragraph, yes, good advice. Thanks!
unlaoised: I'd back off. Been there, done that...never again
Hiya Viv
baggage can be ditched. (I just had to let a long-time friend go--it was plutonic, and a long, long time of knowing each other). The constant anger and negativity was wearing on me, and the situation was getting close to me having to take measures to stop phone calls, e-mail, etc...**I let it go too far...my fault for that. Baggage is exactly that. That's why it's called 'baggage'. Even archaic writers used the term. In "The Scarlet Letter", by Hawthorne, he is writing as if the year were about 1670 or so. A group of women are discussing Hester, and one refers to her as "naughty baggage". and so forth.....
**it seems she may have taken the hints --halleluia to the nth degree
unlaoised: I'd back off. Been there, done that...never again
Hiya Viv
Hiya! Hmm. I've never been in this situation before, hence the poll. Well, if things stay the same - I'll take your advice. I'll give it a little time first, though. Just in case
truheart1941: ..yes you did. people with no baggage........
yup, I didn't realize how manipulative the ex was until she reacted to us getting together! Poison spew. But people with no baggage at all, my age, that's almost as unnerving. I just wondered how others in this situation have reacted.
Obstinance_Works: Interesting way you've framed the question. You're not asking what would be wise for you to do, which would be intuitive, instead you're asking what he would want you to do.. You know that sometimes baggage and being in love with the ex are one and the same thing.
No, it genuinely was a request for advice. My first reaction was to back off and get out of the way, because I completely agree about the 'one and the same thing'. When it's over, it's over, so if it isn't, it isn't over. At the same time, we have something potentially good, new as it is. So I asked the collective
rohaan: baggage can be ditched. (I just had to let a long-time friend go--it was plutonic, and a long, long time of knowing each other). The constant anger and negativity was wearing on me, and the situation was getting close to me having to take measures to stop phone calls, e-mail, etc...**I let it go too far...my fault for that. Baggage is exactly that. That's why it's called 'baggage'. Even archaic writers used the term. In "The Scarlet Letter", by Hawthorne, he is writing as if the year were about 1670 or so. A group of women are discussing Hester, and one refers to her as "naughty baggage". and so forth..... **it seems she may have taken the hints --halleluia to the nth degree
VivianLee: So, you met someone, and he's lovely, and things are better than seemed possible but - he has emotional scars, baggage. A manipulative ex who won't quit, and he reacts. He's potty about me, and I'm potty about him, but ... it's very new. How would you want your new lover to react? One of the options I listed, or did I miss a better one?
Everyone has exes, all I can say I worked to get over mine (which took in fairness longer than I expected) and for me an ex is an ex is an ex - means I have NO CONTACT WHATSOEVER with any of my exes - which I find reasonable as long as no kids are involved.
I would be supportive and give things a chance, but I would tell him in no uncertain terms that an ex is an ex and there shouldn't be any contact (when there are no children involved).
mollybaby: If there are no kids, then there should be minimal, if any, contact with his ex.
Bickering indicated emotions.
If he cannot leave her in the past, I wouldn't want to be part of his present or future.
Often times the mother of a man's children will always be considered the love of his life. It will be wise give him sufficient space so that he makes appropriate decisions. Wether it means he attempts to regain her, moves on to a new relationship, or on his own to a while until he once again becomes stable.
Ex's are ex, not seen or heard, If one is of mature age, children are grown adults, hence no baggage. If one is still clinging emotionally to a past relationship, they have no business being in a new one. Obviously not enough time has passed, or someone has not dealt with it. I have seen people rush into a new relationship before the bed is even cold.imo.
t84rod: Often times the mother of a man's children will always be considered the love of his life. It will be wise give him sufficient space so that he makes appropriate decisions. Wether it means he attempts to regain her, moves on to a new relationship, or on his own to a while until he once again becomes stable.
I agree, but there are no kids in this scenario. Therefore, the contact is not necessary.
Lannna23: I am not sure that he will ever change his habits. You will waste your emotions, time, desire....getting in return nothing, or (like in my case) getting in return accusation for "not understanding purposes of their communication - kids" - by mentioning kids, I usually zipped. Wish you a good luck, but I would back off.
Fair comment. I'll play it by ear and if nothing seems to be changing leave them to it.
pedalguy59: Ex's are ex, not seen or heard, If one is of mature age, children are grown adults, hence no baggage. If one is still clinging emotionally to a past relationship, they have no business being in a new one. Obviously not enough time has passed, or someone has not dealt with it. I have seen people rush into a new relationship before the bed is even cold.imo.
Time IS an issue. That's why I'm up for giving this a bit of time. If the whole thing doesn't die a natural death, then there is a problem.
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New relationships can't be clear-cut, everyone has baggage.(Vote Below)