Six Steps to Beating Social Anxiety
Most people underestimate the impact social anxiety can have on someone's life. Social fear can ruin so many things, keeping us alone, away from people and activities that could bring happines to our lives. People who suffer from such fears are more likely to underperform at school or college, to fail to fulfill their potential at work, and to struggle to form deep, lasting relationships.
The first step is to understand what social anxiety is. There are plenty of definitions, but in essence social anxiety is rooted in a fear of being judged negatively by other people. Because of this fear, the socially anxious usually develop a heightened sensitivity. They notice every negative expression or gesture: every smothered yawn, every roll of the eyes, every change of tone in someone's voice. The more sensitized they become, the more frightened they grow of doing or saying something foolish or offensive. Put simply, the socially anxious individual worries too much about the impression he or she is making on others.
Next you must locate the origin of your fear. Think back to your experiences as a child, both at home and at school. For example, an individual who was treated as a tedious irritation by her parents may carry this sense of herself throughout her life. If she is invited to a dinner party she will hesitate. She will fear irritating and boring the other guests. She does not want to endure the same crushed, worthless feeling she experienced in childhood.
Having uncovered your fears, analyze and rationalize them. This is the third step. Perhaps you were bullied at school. Think back to how it made you feel. What form did the bullying take? If a group of your school friends set out to humiliate you by tripping you up in the corridor, pushing you over, taking your chair away as you sat down and so on this may have left you with a deep fear of ridicule. But you are no longer that nervous thirteen year old. Adolescents are unsure of themselves and seek to humiliate others in order to draw attention away from themselves. Try not to take it personally and, if you can, understand and forgive your tormentors. Adults can of course be rude and obnoxious, but most are not seeking to ridicule and humiliate.
Step four is to get into the habit of monitoring damaging, self-punishing thoughts. The socially anxious usually have deep-rooted, negative beliefs about themselves. When you socialize you will probably find that you seek confirmation of these negative beliefs. The man who was humiliated as a schoolboy may have a deep-rooted belief that he possesses some flaw that invites ridicule. After most social interaction he will replay everything that was said over and over in his mind until he finds some word or gesture that that confirms this belief. He will attempt to find some moment in the conversation in which the other person seemed tempted to mock or laugh at him.
The fifth step is to recognize just how adolescent social anxiety really is. As teenagers, most of us feel there is a correct way of living and behaving that we need to grasp. We feel as if there is a set of unwritten rules we must follow and that, if we do not, we will be rejected. But there is no invisible audience judging us. Beyond simple politeness and kindness, there is no right way of living and behaving. Take pride in being an individual. Instead of trying to be what you hope others will approve of, seek to be who you really are. Cultivate your own, distinctive personality and take pride in being your own person.
Finally, choose not to be socially anxious. Say to yourself (out loud if possible) "I choose not to worry what others think of me", "I choose not to feel anxious when socializing with others" and "I choose to laugh at the memory of awkward and embarrassing encounters". With constant repetition you can drive these messages into your subconscious. If you keep at it you will find that, gradually, you really don't care so much what others think of you.