Emotional Abuse in Relationships

Emotional abuse in a relationship can take many forms. Some of these include insulting, terrorizing, rejecting, or isolating a partner, or making oneself emotionally unresponsive to a partner's needs. Many women in physically abusive relationships say that the emotional abuse they suffer is far more debilitating than the physical. Living through years of being told that one is worthless can affect an individual's self-esteem to the extent that he or she finds it hard to cope with everyday situations that the rest of us take for granted.

People find it difficult to talk about emotional abuse because, unlike physical abuse, there's no visible evidence. If a woman, whose husband is known to have a temper, walks her children to school sporting signs of physical abuse, she's likely to get friends rallying in support; it's a lot more difficult for friends and relatives to understand why a woman who was once gregarious and friendly is now rarely seen out without her husband and, when she is, finds it difficult to make eye contact.

Emotional abuse is defined as an ongoing process in which a person, consciously or unconsciously, attempts to destroy the wills, needs, desires, or perceptions of the other. It's insidious by nature and can be overt or covert. An overt form would be an individual openly demeaning his or her partner with put-downs and criticisms; covert abuse is less clearly defined but an example could be an abuser treating other people, especially members of the opposite sex, with more respect and/or attention than they treat their partner. This form of abuse is a little more "bespoke" as the abuser plays on the specific insecurities and fears he knows his partner has. Some might say that it's also a cleverer form of abuse as anyone questioning this behavior is likely to be told that they're over-reacting and being unreasonable (and also likely to believe it if already suffering from diminished self-confidence). Emotional abuse can manifest itself in many conditions including depression, withdrawal, lack of self-confidence, feelings of shame or guilt, and suicidal tendencies. Whatever form it takes, the result is the same: it chips away at an individual's self-esteem and self-worth.

In all forms of emotional abuse the sufferer has to address his or her own level of complicity in what's going on. Some individuals seem to delight in the drama and excitement that emotionally abusive relationships can sometimes generate -- the passionate sex that follows an outburst, for example. Relationships are complicated, however, and sometimes an individual will find it difficult to explain to themselves, never mind anyone else, why they stay with someone who treats them abusively.

Depending on the level of abuse that's occurring, there could be a chance of saving a relationship. If an individual suffering emotional abuse wants to turn their relationship around so it resembles something akin to a loving and supportive one, they need to talk to their abuser about his or her behavior as well as take responsibility and set themselves clear boundaries -- and stick to them. They should let their abuser know that they will no longer tolerate his or her behavior. If the abuser refuses to co-operate then the individual may be left with no alternative but to leave. And if the conditions set down in an attempt to save the relationship have no effect, the individual should ensure they are carried forward to any future relationship to avoid being subjected to abuse again.

Sometimes an individual will need to undergo some form of therapy to help them understand why they have subjected themselves to an emotionally abusive relationship -- particularly if they have a history of forming this type of relationship.

It's very easy for someone on the receiving end of emotional abuse to spend all their time worrying about the needs of their partner. The first step an individual needs to take to escape emotional abuse is to concentrate on his or her own needs and safety, and then take the necessary action to ensure that these -- as well as his or her wishes, hopes, and desires -- are satisfied.