Are You a Doormat in Your Relationship?

When you are in a relationship, it is easy to lose yourself and become overwhelmed by what you feel for the other person. You want to give in to your emotions and make sure that the object of your affection knows how much you care for him/her. There is, however, a difference between caring for somebody and letting that person walk all over you. You may be acting like a doormat in your relationship, without even realizing it.

Falling in love can be an overwhelming experience. It can fill you with emotions you've never known before and make you do things you never thought you were capable of doing. In many ways, it can make you a better person. In some instances, however, it can cause you to lose sight of who you are and what you deserve.

Although it's great to care for someone, it's also important that you keep yourself from becoming a relationship doormat. Not all relationships are created equal and while judging other women's relationships is easy to do, judging your own can be difficult. You may believe that what you have with the man in your life is a healthy partnership, but are you absolutely sure about that? The signs of an unhealthy relationship are not always available in plain sight and, often, people stay blind to their own destructive behavior.

It could be that you are unaware that you are allowing yourself to be treated like a doormat, or it could also be that you are actually choosing to ignore the warning signs. If it's the latter, then no one can help you but you. If it's the former, however, read on and see if any of the following scenarios seem just a tad too familiar.

1. You regularly find yourself making excuses for him.

He's frequently disappointing you or alienating those important to you; however, instead of calling him on it, you rationalize his behavior. Instead of acknowledging his shortcomings, you convince yourself that he's pushed into situations by circumstances beyond his control and that it just doesn't seem fair to hold him responsible for anything.

Example: He forgets your birthday and you tell yourself that it doesn't matter because he's been swamped at work lately. You then use the same excuse on your family when he doesn't show up for your parents' anniversary dinner and modify it when he is rude toward your friends by telling them that he's just tired from work.

2. You blame yourself when things go wrong.

You have taken to heart the meaning of the expression "it takes two to tango" and have decided to apply it to your relationship. Thus, when a problem arises as a result of something he has done, you avoid blaming him by telling yourself that you are the reason why he did it.

Example: You caught him cheating and you believe that it's because you've been spending more time at the office, making him feel neglected and lonely. If only you've been more attentive to his needs, less focused on your career... Maybe if you'd paid more attention to your looks, dressed up more often, and worked out more, he wouldn't have hooked up with Diane from marketing. He definitely would not have started anything with Anna from public relations.

3. You arrange your schedule (and your life) around his.

You know that relationships can't thrive if couples have no time for each other, and so you see to it that you manage to spend time together despite your busy schedules. You're the only one making concessions, though. You cancel appointments, put off seeing friends, and postpone projects, but you tell yourself that it's fine because your schedule is more flexible and relationships are supposed to be about compromise anyway.

Example: He wants you to go with him to his cousin's wedding, but you have a meeting scheduled that day with a potential investor for your jewelry line. You find yourself thinking that the wedding's more important and moving the meeting to another day. This is despite the fact that you've never even met the cousin or heard about him before.

4. You are constantly gauging his mood.

He has never hit you and he's not physically violent, but he does have a temper and is easily irritated or offended. Sometimes all it can take is one word and he'll snap at you. You assure yourself that there's nothing to be worried about, but you're often jumpy around him and careful not to say or do anything that might set him off, anything that he might consider stupid or annoying.

Example: You take turns deciding what to do on your dates. You usually have no problem with any of his plans and when you do, you keep your objections to yourself because you don't want to offend or annoy him. Also, whenever it's your turn to decide, you choose activities that you think he might like or might be in the mood for, instead of what you actually want. You have done this so often, you're not sure what activities you do like to do any more.

5. You judge your life through his eyes.

He is an important part of your life, so it makes sense that his views matter to you. Everybody's influenced to some point by those who matter to them. That is normal and even healthy. What is not normal is using his opinions as the standard on how your life should be assessed. What is not healthy is letting his likes and dislikes replace your own.

Example: He thinks your car is a heap of junk. You've always liked how your car fits your personality, but you tell yourself that he does have impeccable taste. If he says that your car is a heap of junk, maybe it's time to trade it in for a new model. Of course if he's right about the car, he must also be right in suggesting that you switch from coffee to tea, convert to a different religion, become a vegan, and look for a job that suits you better. While you're at it, maybe you can change your hair color and find new friends because the ones you already have are too loud and obnoxious.

Relationships are hard work---there's no denying that. Compromise and sacrifices must be made, but make sure that both of you are aware of this and that both of you are putting in the effort. You don't need to be callous and insensitive to avoid becoming a relationship doormat. You just need to realize what you are worth and that you deserve the same amount of respect and devotion you lavish on your partner.