The wolves lies: Debunking the lies behind what makes a "MAN".

Just as Socrates felt it necessary to create tension in the peoples’ minds to help them destroy the deceptive shackles of the mythological wolf (e.g. , lies, misperceptions, need for acceptance in groups with ill intentions.) so shall I set to do….

People tend to deter from self-examination. Why do people not desire a heightened sense of self- awareness? I will explain three reasons, as I believe as to why people choose to be incapable of becoming more self-aware: One, the set standards of masculinity can prohibit the desire for self- awareness. Two, becoming aware of the need to change can lead to self-dissatisfaction. Three, this self-dissatisfaction increases the need for justification of beliefs. The bottom line is- laziness. These three reasons I will explain in depth to offer insight into the parasite that eats mankind; prohibiting mental growth.

FALSE STANDARDS OF MASCULINITY: ANOMIE

Every male wants/needs to know that he is strong, worthy and powerful… This innate desire too often get perverted. A few root reasons as to why a males ego can become hurt or shamed is almost always because of child development. How the father viewed himself and a man’s position in the world alter and shapes the child’s view of self, as well as how he should interact in (and Interpret) the world. This is where (for so many males) the misperception of self and the role of self in the world become fundamentally flawed. This erroneous view of self can easily creep in the child in his early years: Starting from infancy to teenage years (even for rounded men in higher age). A child is to teach his child a healthy view of what all a “Man” is and is not! The consequence for a father who is insecure to the point of growing a warped view as to what a “MAN” is – he will inevitably have to watch (if he is around) his son pay “His” consequence. The boy will most likely become aimless (or easily manipulated by negative beliefs), with no healthy sense of direction for his life. The boy will acquire masculine traits from unhealthy men (boy’s) who were shaped by an unhealthy standard which prescribes what a ”real man” is!? As John Eldredge points out- if a father doesn’t correctly teach his son his worth:

“Miss that moment and you’ll miss a boy’s heart forever. It’s not a question- it’s the question, the one every boy and man is longing to ask. Do I have what it takes? Am I powerful? Until a man knows he’s a man he will forever be trying to prove he is one, while at the same time shrink from anything that might reveal he is not. Most men live their lives haunted by the question, or crippled by the answer they’ve been given.” *1

The household is not the only place that can damage a boy’s ego. Societies prevalent standards can indirectly cause an anomie, which is a social instability caused by erosion of standards and values. This indirect perverted force damages a child’s innocent view via school teachers, friends or associates in school, family members outside the house, movie characters, music, video games and even some cartoons!

Some of these misleading (even life endangering) masculine traits that this unsure boy will run into (even acquire); That aggression is masculine and that a “real man” does not get or show depression (being sad; crying) because it is “weak’ or “feminine” to display or go through these normal human emotions. However, according to some standards of masculinity it is okay to display the emotion anger because aggression depicts manliness. Truly, aggression gives evidence to deeper wounds crying for help!!

Also, the boy will become more perverted by the beliefs of PRIDE and use it as an attempt to heal or hide his broken ego. Because at home his father did not teach him how to have an adequate healthy ego- sense of self. It’s vital to know that self- defeating pride roots in fear and insecurity. The boy has an innate knowledge that his psyche is damaged; hurting. So he reaches out with the expression of pride. He uses it as a defense mechanism: which is any of various usually unconscious mental processes that protect the ego from shame, anxiety, or unacceptable feelings or thoughts. His understanding of pride is determined by what he sees and learns in his social settings. His behavior is compelled by his level (and understanding) of pride. (Ask yourself, what is pride? Why do I have it? Is it good or bad for me? By me using pride does it or can it hurt the people around you?) This drive (plus his identity issues) will cause him to attempt to identify a false self- worth by the type of clothes he wears, type of car he drives, the type of jewelry he wears, the type of music he is influenced by to the way he walks and talks.

All of these acquired masculine traits that I’ve been mentioning in this chapter will determine the type of group that this boy will attempt to find his identity in. In thinking that he found his identity his self- worth seems to be more complete. He will often go through drastic attempts to prove his identity. If the boy grew up around a lot of negative influences that “teach” what masculinity is usually lead the boy into violent or drug addicted groups. All who crave a thrill; a power rush. One that will soothe and hide the true wounds deep down. This action is really a self- deprecating decision as C.S. Lewis says: “It is the magicians bargain: give up our soul, get power in return. But once our souls, that is, ourselves, have been given up, the power thus conferred will not belong to us. We shall in fact be the slaves and puppets of that which we have given our souls.”

Really, this boy just wants to be loved. He craves love but does not know how to receive it or give it. Because truthfully he does not love himself. He does not understand love because the love languages expressed to him in his life have differed so much that he is confused. He wants what is too confusing and distant to understand. Also he fears love. It’s a mystery to him. One that he cannot conquer. Which renders him a sense of powerlessness. So instead he takes (with also the asshole role with women), demands, by forcing power. Forcing control over his out- of- control life. He clearly does not understand love nor power. As Martin Luther King, Jr. said: “Power with out love is reckless and abusive, power at its best it love implementing the demands of justice.” If he could understand how he has adopted such inaccurate, unhealthy masculine standards (traits) into his view of self and role in life; he could begin to understand the differences between power without love and power with love.

It is extremely vital for this boy going through this trauma to understand the difference between being in a group that lifts each other up in all ways i.e. , Mentally, intellectually, emotionally and physically. And the difference of being in a group that kicks people and eachother down unknowingly or intentionally. Many times as a result of this boy not being taught by his father a healthy view of self and role in life he will become overly dependent on a set group of people, women, animals or objects e.g. , drugs, finding worth in money, jewelry etc. He will develop a passive dependent personality disorder similar to how M. Scott Peck, M.D. describes: “In summary, dependency may appear to be love because it is a force that causes people to fiercely attach themselves to one another. But in actuality it is not love; it is a form of anti- love. It has its genesis in a parental failure to love and it perpetuates the failure. It seeks to receive rather than to give. It nourishes infantilism rather than growth. It works to trap and constrict rather than to liberate. Ultimately it destroys rather than builds people.” *2

This dependency issue applies to the boys pursuit to conquer a woman. (Take note, I use “boy” not only in the sense of a little child, it applies also to the adult male stuck in a boy’s mentality.) How he attempts to conquer a woman is he has an egotistical and narcissistic mentality with a hunger for power for proof of his overly heightened sense of worth. He truly has a fragile ego; insecurity is the drive behind his narcissism. This mentality is learned from the influence of societies masculine standards. It was acquired by him as a defense mechanism because truly he is deeply wounded inside. He was not taught by his father (or father figure) a healthy understanding of his worth and what a real man is. He uses woman as an antedote to hide his true feelings of pain and he uses them as an attempt to fulfill himself by having her assure him in his acquired masculinity. He believes that the more women he gets (sleeps with usually, or has control over) the more of a man that people will see him as, and if he believes that they see him as a “MAN” then he is repeatedly convinced of this illusion. The illusion that he is a high worthy, strong; powerful man who is secure in his identity and who has no psychological defenciencies. Often because he needs the world to assure him that he is a “real man”. He will grow overly dependent on this false sense of validation from the external world. Most of the time, the type of people that he is trying to impress they too are usually going through his same condition which is a derivative of childhood neglect. Karen Horney, M.D. sums this up:

“In sexual life itself we see how the simple craving of love that drives men to women is very often overshadowed by their overwhelming inner compulsion to prove their manhood again and again to themselves and others. A man of this type in its more extreme form has therefore one interest only: To Conquer. His aim is to have “possessed” many women, and the most beautiful and most saught-after women.” *3

A woman (or women) cannot make him a man. She cannot erase the past and years of the insecure, hurting momentum which compels his quest of validation of his worth and masculinity. To elaborate on this same concept that I have been revealing, as Karen Horney has explained. I will offer this passage from psychoanalyst Erich Fromm:

“…very often if the masculine characteristic traits of a man are weakened because emotionally he has remained a child, he will try to compensate for this lack by the exclusive emphasis on his role in sex. The result is the Don Juan who needs to prove his males prowess in sex because he is unsure of his masculinity in a characterological sense when the paralysis of masculinity is more extreme, sadism (the use of force) becomes the main- a perverted- substitute for masculinity…” *4

IN CONCLUSION

So far I have shown you how if a father does not teach his child his sense of worth and a healthy standard of masculinity that the child will acquire the masculine characteristics that carelessly float around the society outside of the household. I’ve shown you how these masculine traits can compel behavior and cause the boy to migrate into certain groups (types) of people i.e. , violent people, socially ackward people, drugs addicts who give him a pseudo- sense of worth and masculinity. He attempts to find his identity in these groups. He attempts to use these acquired masculine traits to gain power so that way he can gain control of his out- of- control life. Also, how these acquired masculine traits can compel the hurting boy (man) to prove his masculinity again and again by violence; by conquering women and displaying the acquired masculine traits; by attempting to posses many women to find validation from impressing other men and women with his “manliness” via sex or control over lives of many women.

*1 John Eldredge ‘ wild at heart’ pg.62

*2 M.Scott Peck, M.D. ‘ The road less traveled’ Pg. 105

*3 Karen Horney, M.D. ‘Feminine Psychology’ Pg. 145

BY: Kai Lee Hunter