Possible Reasons Your Relationship Failed

Many of us have at some point looked back in bewilderment at the wreckage of a once wonderful relationship and tried to understand where it all went wrong. You meet someone who seems perfect, you drink wine together and you laugh. They seem just what you were looking for: kind, funny, intelligent. Yet, for reasons you cannot fathom, the relationship fails. Why a relationship fails is often difficult to understand, but it is important to try if future relationships are not to end the same way.

Sex is unquestionably an important part of any physical relationship. Men in particular need to consider whether they were selfish lovers. Many men think of their sex life as nothing but the moments of the act itself. But these are only a part of your sex life. Kissing, cuddling, touching, caressing, even holding hands are all just as important and bind a couple together. People often sense very early in a relationship whether there is any sexual chemistry. A woman may find a man rough, clumsy and selfish when they kiss or make love. A man may find a woman cold, passionless or unromantic in bed. Many make the mistake of believing that such problems will correct themselves over time. But people find it difficult to change their essential nature.

Another important question to ask yourself is just how committed you were. People speak freely of commitment, but the word is frequently used with little thought. If you enter into a relationship you must be determined to work on it. A relationship evolves and changes and requires attention and effort. Your partner must come first, not your career or your hobby. When people break apart claiming they wanted different things, what they usually mean is that their career, or their dreams of emigrating to a new location, meant more to them than their partner. A relationship needs to be maintained and worked on. Perhaps you enter into relationships with unrealistic expectations. You must be prepared to tolerate a great deal, everything from unpleasant smells to bad moods or poor table manners. Every relationship has its bad periods. Relationships only work when both people are committed and prepared to tolerate these bad spells. Communication is essential. Did you really understand your partner and what made him or her angry or disappointed?

Contrary to what many believe, the strongest relationships entail a certain amount of detachment. People can quickly feel stifled or suffocated by their partner. In any relationship, not just a sexual one, it is vital to give the other person space. Ask yourself whether you respected your partner's privacy enough. Perhaps your partner was an introvert who needed more time alone than you were prepared to grant them.

Failure to respect another person's privacy and space is a part of a more general failing and one at the root of countless relationship breakdowns: selfishness. Selfish or self-centred people are invariably bad partners, no matter how attractive or experienced. They are demanding and invasive, never stopping to think how they are making the other person feel. Selfish people usually fail to support, encourage or nurture their partner and do not really listen to their worries or fears. But selfishness also undermines relationships in so many trivial ways. A selfish man, for example, will probably lack self-awareness. Because he never thinks of how his actions irritate or disgust his partner, he might pass wind, pick his nose, or come home smelling of beer and collapse snoring on the sofa. These seem trivial to him, but they can quickly undermine the romantic image a woman may have formed of her lover. Such actions also demonstrate a lack of respect.

Understanding our failings is important. If we do not learn from our mistakes, we will most likely repeat them in any future relationship.