How do I find 'The One'... and when?

We hear this question asked often. While working as a counselor, I was asked this question frequently, by people of all ages. And at one point of my life, I asked this of myself and lived with concern that I would even be able to recognize the ONE person who best matched me. Trust me, I spent way too much time thinking about this.

The problem with this question, is the question itself. It's not if he or she is the one. The question should be... Am I one? - one as in whole; not "the one" as in a missing puzzle piece. It's so easy to analyze others, to pick apart a potential mate based on superficial qualities.. from their income to their eye color. It is so much harder to look at yourself. Do I like myself as a person? Why do I feel I need someone? What do I feel I'm missing? Why do I believe another person can fill my emotional void? Will being in a relationship fix all my issues or just make them vividly apparent? Am I making myself a victim in my desperation to find a mate?

When listing attractive traits, for many, confidence is near the top. Self-esteem is so often recognized and accepted as lacking, especially in young women. Much of today's culture trains a person to look for external reasons for their internal feelings and emotions... i.e. their parents made mistakes, they didn't have nice friends as a child, they felt slighted or denied some basic need at some critical point in time and that is the reason why they have low self-esteem, and therefore lack confidence. Aha! Freud was right and it is your mother's fault after all!

Well, Freud and everyone else grew up in spite of their parents, not because of them. There comes a point when we need to make the conscious decision to take control of our own life and our own behavior... to stop identifying oneself as a victim of fate or worse, a victim of another person, and take control over our own future. That in my opinion is a big step toward gaining self-esteem. And self-esteem is essential to exuding that ever attractive, yet often elusive, self-confidence.

In time, you will begin to see yourself as a complete picture, with no pieces missing. No void to fill. Dates will realize you aren't clingy or desperate. They won't feel the need for space or the desire to flee. Believe me, others can sense when someone has no self-esteem. The 'decent' people will feel the pressure and the 'scary' ones will look at you as prey, not as a person. A confident person, who recognizes their own worth, doesn't demand someone else fill or fix what is missing or broken in them. We pursue people who don't seem to desperately need us (could it be a carryover from that whole hunter/gatherer thing?). They'll want you. The whole person. The confident person.

This is the point when you are ready to meet the one. A desperate person is more likely to miss red flags, to avoid warning signs that this person isn't right for them, possibly allowing themselves to be victimized in their rush to find a match. A confident person is willing to take things slowly, to let a relationship evolve naturally and will be able to see the other person and their intentions more clearly. Self-esteem not only allows you to find the best match for you, it allows you to fully enjoy the relationship once you have it. In this regard, two halves do not make a whole. But two wholes can make a very happy couple.