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How To Get Hired At Walmart

A manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'

The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.

'That's very good!' replied the interviewer. 'And, now you sir?', he asked the second man.

'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'

'Excellent!' said the interviewer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed.' He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. 'It's hard to beat the speed of light,' he said.

Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.

Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'

'WHAT!?' said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already s**t my pants.'

BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!



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Senior at the Concert

An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats at a concert.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man,


"Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."


The old man didn't budge.


The usher became more impatient.


"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."


Once again, the old man just muttered and did nothing.


The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager.


Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled man, but with no success.


Finally they summoned the police.


The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?"


"Fred," the old man moaned.


"Where you from, Fred?" asked the police officer.


With a terrible strain in his voice, and without moving, Fred replied;

From the balcony.......!

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Did you hear about the fight at the seafood restau

Did you hear about the fight at the seafood restaurant?

A: Four fish got battered!

What do you call a sleepy pizza?

A: A piZZZZZZZZZZa!

Why were the pickles embarrassed?

A: They saw the salad dressing!


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Easter

What does it mean to you?

What will you be doing on Easter Sunday?

Will you attend some type of religious service or is it just another Sunday?
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Are The Blogs Dying?

It seems we have far less bloggers than we use to. What do you think?
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Blogger Missing

I was just going to write a blog about 2back and wish her a very happy, happy birthday but her profile is missing! Does anyone know what happened to her? Any way:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY 2B--k!!! I wish you many, many more!
hug

cake danceline party balloons buddies happy birthday
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A farm story

Hilary Clinton and her driver were cruising home along a country road one evening when an old cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't.

The aged cow was struck and killed. Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened.
She said that he should resist any request from the farmer to pay for the animal, but she said, “you killed it, so if they have to have money, it will come out of your pocket!” She stayed in the car making phone calls.

About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.
"What happened to you," asked Hillary?

"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made passionate love to me.”
"I had just stepped inside the door and said, 'I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow.' The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it."

Sort of brings a tear to your eye.

crying

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Saint Patrick's Day

St Patrick’s Day is nearly upon us and on March 17, millions of people will be adorning themselves in green, orange and white and toasting with a pint of Guinness. But the annual holiday, honoring the patron saint of Ireland, isn’t just for Irishmen and women—it’s celebrated the world over.

As well as being a national holiday in Ireland and Northern Ireland, St Patrick’s Day pride has spilled over into other parts of the world including London, home to an annual party in Trafalgar Square, various cities in the U.S., Tokyo in Japan and Australia.

The revelry, of course, is all in the name of Saint Patrick, who was born in Britain but sold into slavery in Ireland as a child. He eventually escaped but after becoming deeply religious he decided to return to Ireland to spread the word of Christ. Legend has it Saint Patrick was responsible for making the shamrock synonymous with Ireland after using the three-leaf clover to demonstrate the Holy Trinity. He’s also been attributed with driving snakes out of Ireland.

What will you be doing on Saint Patrick's Day?cheers
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The Deaf Italian Bookkeeper...

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido,
has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00
His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job
in the first place.
It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would
not have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing
$10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?
Guido signals back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know
what you're talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol,
puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"
The lawyer signals to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signals, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown
briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house.
The Godfather asks the lawyer,
"What did he say?"
The lawyer replies,
"He says go to hell, you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

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THE PULITZER COLONOSCOPY

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. (see comment)

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-litre plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a litre is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
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Who's Phone Is This?

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell
phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free
speaker-function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful
leather coat. It’s only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, ...go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and
saw the new 2008 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$60,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing....the house we
wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just
offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I’ll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking
at him in astonishment. Then he asks:

"Anyone know who this
phone belongs to?"

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