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Romance

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling
asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting.."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get
back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me.."

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and
settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck..."

Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" she asked..

"To get my teeth!"

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Nordakota Cow

Ole is a farmer in Minnesota . He needs a new milk cow and hears about one for sale over in Nordakota. (That would be North Dakota for you non-Scandahoovians out der).

He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow. He reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the tit and pulls...the cow farts.

Ole is surprised. He looks at the farmer selling the cow, then reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs another tit, pulls, and the cow farts again.

Milk does come out however, so after some discussion, Ole buys the cow and takes her home.

He gets back to Minnesota , he calls over his neighbor Sven, and
says, 'Sven, come look at dis ere new cow I yust bought.'

'Pull her tit, and see vat happens.' Sven reaches under, pulls the
tits - and the cow farts.

Sven looks at Ole, 'You bought dis here cow in Nordakota, didn't yah?'

Ole is surprised since he hadn't told Sven about his trip.

Ole replies, 'Yah, dats right. But how'd yah know?'

Sven says, 'My wife's from Nordakota.'

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A Love Story To Bring A Tear To Your Eye

Ole & Lena lived by a lake in Nordern Minnesota. It vas early vinter and da lake had froze over.

Ole asked Lena if she vould valk across da frozen lake to da yeneral store to get him some beer. She asked him for some money but he told her, “Nah, yust put it on our tab.”

So Lena valked across, got the beer at da yeneral store, den walked back home across the lake. Ven she got home and gave Ole his beer, she asked him, “Ole, you alvays tell me not to run up da tab at da store. Why didn’t you yust give me some money?”

Ole replied, “Vell, I didn’t vant to send you out dere vit some money ven I vasn’t sure how tick the ice vas yet.”



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Procrastination

I keep thinking of taking a course on procrastination but I never seem to get round to it.

The stallion and the mare were going to get married, but when the time came for the stallion to appear at the church, he got cold feet and failed to show up.
The mare hoofed indignantly, "The beast! He left me at the halter...
...and is probably out there with some cheap filly, horsing around.
But if he is that fickle, I'm better off not to be saddled with him for life.
I can do without the bridle bouquet!

The runaway groom was later found in a stable condition...dear me, we need to rein in this line of jokes or we'll risk making foals of ourselves !

Oi, don't get on your high horse and nag me!

And welcome to the annual plastic surgeons convention.... Nice to see a lot of new faces this year.rolling on the floor laughing rolling on the floor laughing

Just read a story in the paper about a local lady taken to hospital today after having too much phone sex. Surgeons apparently found an iPhone, one Nokia, two Samsungs, a Motorola and three different men's Siemens inside her!rolling on the floor laughing rolling on the floor laughing

I looked out my window and saw a guy in a black robe who was trying to clear the frost off his car with a scythe. So I thought I'd go and help.
"Stop," said my wife, grabbing my arm. "You're de-icing with death."

What really naff's me off, is when I see/hear people using big words and they can't even spell or pronounce them properly.
Pretentshush git's.grin
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Lady Bloggers

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY ,

to all of the pretty and nice ladies here!
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Little Johnny And Susie Were Planning To Get Wed

Little Johnnie and Susie are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love.

One day they decided that they want to get married, so Johnnie decided to approach Susie's father to ask him for her hand. Johnnie bravely walked up to him and said, "Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage".

Thinking that this was the cutest thing ever, Mr. Smith replied, "Well Johnnie, you are only 10. Where will you two live"?

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnnie replied, "In Susie's room, of course. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit our stuff in there nicely".

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith said with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Susie".

Again, Johnnie instantly replied, "Our allowance - Susie makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine".

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnnie had put so much thought into his proposal. So, Mr. Smith thought for a moment, as he tried to come up with something that Johnnie wouldn't know how to answer. After another moment, Mr. Smith said, "Well Johnnie, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own"?

Johnnie just shrugged his shoulders and said, "Well, gosh, Mr. Smith, I’ve been worried about that, but we've been lucky so far..."

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She Is So Blond

She thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.

She thought General Motors was in the army.

She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

At the bottom of the application where it says "sign here," she put "Sagittarius."

She tripped over a cordless phone.

She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said, "concentrate."

She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."

She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

She studied for a blood test.

She thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."

She sold the car for gas money!

When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.

When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.

If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.

She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.

She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."
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PLEASE BE KIND TO ME....I"M HOMELESS!rolling on the floor laughing rolling on the floor laughing
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Lady and divorce Attorney

A lady goes to a divorce lawyer and says "I want a divorce."
The lawyer says, "Do you have grounds?"
Oh yes she said, "We have about 4 acres and a long driveway,
No no no you have misunderstood me.
I mean do you have a grudge?
She said "No it’s not a grudge, we have a carport."
He said" No that’s not what meant, Let me put it another way.
Why do you want a divorce?
Oh that's easy it’s my husband.
He can't hold a sensible conversation!

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Why People Go South in Winter

Look at the video and you will see why people in the northern US go south in the winter!





https://www.youtube.com/embed/xKy2lLNQYrI?rel=0&iv_load_policy=3&showinfo=0
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Bill Tries To Cheer Up Hillary Clinton

This blog is not to insult anyone. It is meant as entertainment! I hope everyone has a wonderful day!


Bill tried to cheer up Hillary this morning by reminding her that Nelson Mandela wasn't elected president until after he had served 27 years in prison.


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Little Red Riding Hood and the Big Bad Wolf

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.

"My what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood.

The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away. Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time he is crouched behind a tree stump.

"My what big ears you have Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood.

Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away. About 2 miles down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign. "My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf," taunts Little Red Riding Hood.

With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you get lost?! I'm trying to take a shit!"








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A MAN'S POEM

I pray for a good looking woman

who owns a bar on a golf course

and sends me fishing and beer drinking!

This poem doesn't rhyme and I don't care!

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