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GentlejimGentlejim Blog (705)

4,176 Blog Comments705 Blog705 Blogs96 Forums26 Quizzes7 Threads

Happy Birthday, BritishColumbian aka Jenny

I want to wish a dear lady and friend a very, very Happy Birthday! Jenny!happy birthday party danceline buddies hug cake

Please join me in wishing her an awesome and wonderful birthday!
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A Few Smiles

Morris , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'' The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.' 'Really,' answered the neighbour . 'What kind is it?' ' Twelve thirty..'

Garage Door boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Jaguar parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires..'




rolling on the floor laughing rolling on the floor laughing
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Burt Reynolds

Sad news for fans of Burt Reynolds! If you don't already know, he died Thurs. Sept. 6.

I was always a big fan of his! He made some very good movies!

Smokey and the Bandit
Deliverance
The Longest Yard
Best Little Whorehouse in Texas
Boogie Nights

and many more!

R.I.P. Burt!sigh
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First the Apple

A woman ran a red traffic light and crashed into a man's car.
Both of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither of them was hurt.

After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said; "Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest ofour days."

The man replied," I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but my bottle of 75 year old scotch didn't break. Surely God meant for us to drink this vintage delicacy and celebrate our good fortune." Thenshe handed the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opened it, drank half the bottle and then handed it back to the woman. The woman took the bottle, immediately put the cap back on, and handed it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

She replies, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police."


Some years ago Adam ate the apple.
Men will never learn!

rolling on the floor laughing rolling on the floor laughing
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Biker

A little girl was leaning into a lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her
by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her,
all under the eyes of her screaming parents. A biker jumps off his Harley,
runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl and the
biker brings the girl to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A
reporter has watched the whole event.

The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, "Sir, this was the most
gallant and bravest thing I've seen a man do in my whole life."

The Harley rider replies, "Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was
behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt
right."

The reporter says, "Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a
journalist, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page.

So, what do you do for a living, and what political affiliation do you
have?"

The biker replies, "I'm a U.S. Marine, a Republican and I voted for Trump".

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings
news of his actions, and reads on the front page:

** U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT & STEALS HIS LUNCH. **

And THAT pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days.


rolling on the floor laughing rolling on the floor laughing
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Six Short Stories

{1} Once all villagers decided to pray for rain, on the day of prayer all the people gathered, but only one boy came with an umbrella.
That's FAITH

{2} When you throw a baby in the air, she laughs because she knows you will catch her.
That's TRUST

{3} Every night we go to bed, without any assurance of being alive the next morning but still we set the alarms to wake up.
That's HOPE

{4} We plan big things for tomorrow in spite of zero knowledge of the future.
That's CONFIDENCE

{5} We see the world suffering, but still we get married and have children.
That's LOVE

{6} On an old man's shirt was written a sentence 'I am not 91 years old ... I am sweet 16 with 75 years’ experience.
That's ATTITUDE

Have a good week and live your life like the six tiny stories !

May you always have love to share, health to spare & friends who care!
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A Few Chuckles

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...


I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....


My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...


When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.


My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...
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Having a heck of a day......

I was sitting there at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" He says menacingly, as I burst into tears.


"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure.” I was late to a meeting, and my boss fired me.


When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen, and I don't have any insurance.


I left my wallet in the cab I took home.


I found my wife with another man... and then my dog bit me.


So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all.

"I buy a drink, I drop a cyanide capsule in, and I sit here watching the poison dissolve..............… and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing! But, enough about me, how are you doing?"

rolling on the floor laughing rolling on the floor laughing rolling on the floor laughing
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY

Happy Birthday President Donald Trump!happy birthday

I want to thank you for all of the great things you have done so far as president!

Anyone care to join in and wish Mr Trump a Happy Birthday?cheers
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Chasing Rabbits

An old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep shit now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly,

"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...

"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

Moral of this story...

Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
B. S. and brilliance only come with age and experience.


laugh
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I bought a new Tri-Flex Fuel Truck.

It'll run on either hydrogen, gasoline or E85.

I had to go back to the dealer yesterday because I couldn't get the radio to work.

The service technician explained that the radio was voice-activated.

The technician said to the radio, 'Play Nelson'.

The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'

'Willie!', he continued, and 'On The Road Again' came from the speakers.

Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant ' Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, 'Play Beethoven', I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, play 'Beatles', I'd get one of their awesome songs.

Well, yesterday, some old lady ran a red light and nearly smashed into my new truck, but luckily I swerved in time to avoid her.

I yelled, 'You Crazy b*tch!'

Immediately the radio responded with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, the Democratic Leader and former speaker of the House ....Nancy Pelosi'.

I love this truck!! rolling on the floor laughing rolling on the floor laughing
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Four Men

Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse approaches the first guy and says, “Congratulations! You're the father of twins.” “That's odd,” answers the man. “I work for the Minnesota Twins!” A nurse then yells the second man, “Congratulations! You're the father of triplets!” “That's weird,” answers the second man. “I work for the 3M company!” A nurse goes up to the third man saying, “Congratulations! You're the father of quadruplets." “That's strange,” he answers. “I work for the Four Seasons hotel!” The last man begins groaning and banging his head against the wall. “What's wrong?” the others ask. “I work for 7 Up!”
rolling on the floor laughing rolling on the floor laughing
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