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Ponderisms for Seniors

I don't need anger management. I need people to stop ticking me off!

Old age is coming at a really bad time!

When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment ... Now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation!

The biggest lie I tell myself is ... "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

Lord, grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!

I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights.” I'm very wise.

My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.

Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would’ve put them on my knees.

The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes”.

I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that second week.

Even duct tape can't fix stupid ... But it can muffle the sound!

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

Lord, Give me patience and give it to me NOW.

Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.

Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?

At my age "getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I was wanting!



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Irish Airline Announcement

Being airborne approximately thirty minutes on an outbound evening Air Lingus flight from Dublin, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:

"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up... One minute prior to take-off, by our catering service..., I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and..., unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals... I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience."

When passengers' muttering had died down, she continued..., "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat, will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 4 hour flight."

Her next announcement came about 2 hours later... "If anyone would like to change their minds, we still have 40 dinners available."









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Jeff Gordon

Four-time NASCAR Sprint Cup champion Jeff Gordon announced that this will be
his final season of racing. You could tell it was time for him to retire
during his last race when he had his blinker on the whole time.


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Ha Ha Ha

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees. “Yes, sir," the clerk replied.
"That's good," the boss said. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."

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Deer Son

Deer Son,

I am writing this slow because I know you can't read too fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your Dad read in the paper that most car accidents happened within twenty mile of home, so we moved. I can't send you the address as the last Newfie family that lived here took the numbers with them for their next house so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine, but the first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.

It rained only twice last week - three days the first time and four days the second.

About the coat you wanted me to send you. Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got a bill from the funeral home and it said that if we didn't make the last payment on Grandma's funeral, up she comes.

About your sister - she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it's a boy or a girl, so I don't know if you are an aunt or an uncle.

Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to pull him out, but he bravely fought them off and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in their pick-up. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out - he rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two drowned - they couldn't get the tailgate open.

Aunt Mabel is knitting you some socks. She would have sent them by now, but I told her that you had grown another foot since she last saw you, so she has to knit another one.

Not much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.

I was going to put some money in this letter but I had already sealed it.............

Love,
Mom

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Little Things To Do To Become A Different You

Communication Happiness Motivation Productivity Success

by Kerry Petsinger

Are you ready to improve yourself and your life in 2016? Making changes in your life doesn’t have to be totally overwhelming. There are many little things you can do to change your life in big ways. Here are little things you can do to change your life this year. Choose a few and try them. You might be surprised by how much of a difference a few little changes can make in your life.

Write down one thing you are thankful for every day. Starting a gratitude journal is one of the best gifts you can give yourself.
Carry yourself confidently. Stand with good posture and walk tall.
Declutter your home. Get rid of the items you don’t use and donate clothes you don’t wear.

End each day by writing out a tentative schedule for the next day. Having a plan for your day will help you hit the ground running when you wake up.

Declutter your schedule.

Write down your goals. Be specific about what you want to achieve this year, and put it on paper. Research shows that writing down your goals increases your likelihood of achieving them.

Wear clothes you feel confident in.

Connect with someone who inspires and encourages you.

Move your body. Exercise helps us feel our best.

Try new healthy foods. You never know when you may discover a new favorite dish.

Give yourself a compliment. You are unique and amazing. Treat yourself that way.

Learn to say no.

Spend time in nature. It’s refreshing and gives you opportunities to feel awe.

Figure out what your priorities are. Spend more time on your priorities and less time on the unimportant junk.

Spend at least 10 minutes each day doing something you totally love, just for fun.

Read something uplifting every day.

Travel somewhere new. This world is huge and awesome, and there are so many amazing places to see in your lifetime.

Try a new physical activity. It will help prevent boredom with your exercise routine.

Spend 10 minutes every day being quiet.

Spend one day completely unplugged from social media.

Eat nutritious foods for breakfast to help you feel great each morning. If you’re rushed most mornings, plan your breakfasts ahead of time.

Establish a relaxing bedtime routine.

Envision your ideal work day, write it down, and commit to finding a career that fits into it.

Meet new people. Carry on a conversation with someone very different from you.

Take one step out of your comfort zone every day.

Do a random act of kindness every week.

Treat yourself to a great vacation.

At the beginning of each year, millions of people set their New Year’s resolutions. However, research shows the large majority of people break their resolutions. Instead of setting vague, huge resolutions, you might want to try setting very specific goals and making a plan of how to achieve your goals. Or, choose some of the small actions above and start working on them.

You may want to change a lot in your life, but revamping your entire life all at once might not be the wisest idea. Often times working on improving small things and changing little habits can make a huge difference in your life. Choose a small action to do every day and focus on that action until it is completed. Focusing on small daily goals can help prevent you from being overwhelmed.

Good luck!thumbs up
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Great Orators of the Democrat Party - PAST:

No offense to anyone here!



"One man with courage makes a majority." ~ Andrew Jackson



"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." ~ Franklin D.Roosevelt



"The buck stops here." ~ Harry S.Truman



"Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country." ~ John F.Kennedy



AND NOW the Great Orators of the Democrat Party - PRESENT:



"It depends what your definition of 'is' is?'' ~ President William Jefferson Clinton



“Those rumors are false. I believe in the sanctity of marriage." ~John Edwards



"What difference does it make?" (re: Benghazi) ~ Hillary Clinton



"I invented the Internet." ~ Al Gore



"America is, is no longer, uh, what it, uh, could be, uh, what it was once was, uh, and I say to myself, uh, I don't want that future, uh, for my children." ~ Barack Obama



"I have campaigned in all 57 states." ~ Barack Obama (Quoted 2008)



"You don't need God anymore; you have us Democrats." ~ Nancy Pelosi (Quoted 2006) (A really, really stupid remark.)



"Paying taxes is voluntary." ~ Sen. Harry Reid



“Bill is the greatest husband and father I know. No one is more faithful, true, and honest than he is.” ~ Hillary Rodham Clinton (Quoted1998)



“You have a business. You didn't build that. Someone else did!" ~Barack Obama (Quoted 2012)



And the most ridiculous gem of wisdom, from the “Mother Superior Moron":



"We just have to pass the Healthcare Bill to see what's in it." ~ Nancy Pelosi (Quoted March,2010)

(As one Doctor said: And that is also the perfect definition of a stool sample.)



HOW FORTUNATE WE ARE TO HAVE SUCH BRILLIANT MINDS IN CHARGE OF OUR ONCE-GREAT COUNTRY!!



“Life is tough! It's even tougher when you're stupid.'' ~ John Wayne
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Older Women

(I LOVE THIS!)



SHE WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCHING POST.

AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A
YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A
BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER.

THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED, "HEY OLD WOMAN,
HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?"

THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO, I NEVER DID
DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."

A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID, "WELL, YOU OLD
BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.

THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR -- NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF --
STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING.
WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL LAUGHING,
HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.

THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED
SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS. THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE
DESERT AIR.

THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.

THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS, TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY
SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING.

THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE
LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.

THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE
QUIETLY SAID,

"SON, HAVE YOU EVER KISSED A MULE'S a**?"

THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO M'AM... BUT... I'VE ALWAYS
WANTED TO."

THERE ARE A FEW LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US:
1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old women; they didn't get old by being stupid...

And that's a fact!



I JUST LOVE A STORY WITH A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

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Diary of a Demented Snow Shoveler

December 8, 6:00 PM
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I’ve ever had! Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!

December 12
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry-
we’ll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we’ll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I’ll never want to see snow again. I don’t think that’s possible. Bob is such a nice man, I’m glad he’s our neighbor.

December 14
Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn’t realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I’ll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn’t huff and puff so.
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The Post Office

In light of what is happening in our world today, I thought the
following might bring a smile to your face.
A letter from the Post Office... this is absolutely the best!!
We don't know who replied, but there is a beautiful soul working in the
dead letter department who understands LOVE......


Our 14-year-old dog Abbey died last month. The day after she passed
away my 4-year-old daughter Meredith was crying and talking about how
much she missed Abbey.

She asked if we could write a letter to God so that when Abbey got to
Heaven, God would recognize her.

I told her that I thought that we could, so she dictated these words:



Dear God,

Will you please take care of my dog? Abbey died yesterday and is with
you in heaven.

I miss her very much. I 'm happy that you let me have her as my dog
even though she got sick.

I hope you will play with her. She likes to swim and play with balls.

I am sending a picture of her so when you see her you will know that
she is my dog.

I really miss her.

Love, Meredith


We put the letter in an envelope with a picture of Abbey & Meredith,
addressed it to God/Heaven. We put our return address on it.
Meredith pasted several stamps on the front of the envelope because she
said it would take lots of stamps to get the letter all the way to heaven.
That afternoon she dropped it into the letter box at the post office.

A few days later, she asked if God had gotten the letter yet.

I told her that I thought He had.

Yesterday, there was a package wrapped in gold paper on our front
porch addressed, 'To Meredith' in an unfamiliar hand.

Meredith opened it.

Inside was a book by Mr. Rogers called, 'When a Pet Dies.'

Taped to the inside front cover was the letter we had written to God
in its opened envelope.

On the opposite page was the picture of Abbey & Meredith and this note:

Dear Meredith,

Abbey arrived safely in heaven. Having the picture was a big help and I

recognized her right away.

Abbey isn't sick anymore.

Her spirit is here with me just like it stays in your heart. Abbey
loved being your dog.

Since we don't need our bodies in heaven, I don't have any pockets to
keep your picture in so I'm sending it back to you in this little book for
you to keep and have something to remember Abbey by.

Thank you for the beautiful letter and thank your mother for helping you
write it and sending it to me.

What a wonderful mother you have. I picked her especially for you.

I send my blessings every day and remember that I love you very much.

By the way, I'm easy to find.

I am wherever there is love.

Love,
God
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The Post Office

In light of what is happening in our world today, I thought the
following might bring a smile to your face.
A letter from the Post Office... this is absolutely the best!!
We don't know who replied, but there is a beautiful soul working in the
dead letter department who understands LOVE......


Our 14-year-old dog Abbey died last month. The day after she passed
away my 4-year-old daughter Meredith was crying and talking about how
much she missed Abbey.

She asked if we could write a letter to God so that when Abbey got to
Heaven, God would recognize her.

I told her that I thought that we could, so she dictated these words:



Dear God,

Will you please take care of my dog? Abbey died yesterday and is with
you in heaven.

I miss her very much. I 'm happy that you let me have her as my dog
even though she got sick.

I hope you will play with her. She likes to swim and play with balls.

I am sending a picture of her so when you see her you will know that
she is my dog.

I really miss her.

Love, Meredith


We put the letter in an envelope with a picture of Abbey & Meredith,
addressed it to God/Heaven. We put our return address on it.
Meredith pasted several stamps on the front of the envelope because she
said it would take lots of stamps to get the letter all the way to heaven.
That afternoon she dropped it into the letter box at the post office.

A few days later, she asked if God had gotten the letter yet.

I told her that I thought He had.

Yesterday, there was a package wrapped in gold paper on our front
porch addressed, 'To Meredith' in an unfamiliar hand.

Meredith opened it.

Inside was a book by Mr. Rogers called, 'When a Pet Dies.'

Taped to the inside front cover was the letter we had written to God
in its opened envelope.

On the opposite page was the picture of Abbey & Meredith and this note:

Dear Meredith,

Abbey arrived safely in heaven. Having the picture was a big help and I

recognized her right away.

Abbey isn't sick anymore.

Her spirit is here with me just like it stays in your heart. Abbey
loved being your dog.

Since we don't need our bodies in heaven, I don't have any pockets to
keep your picture in so I'm sending it back to you in this little book for
you to keep and have something to remember Abbey by.

Thank you for the beautiful letter and thank your mother for helping you
write it and sending it to me.

What a wonderful mother you have. I picked her especially for you.

I send my blessings every day and remember that I love you very much.

By the way, I'm easy to find.

I am wherever there is love.

Love,
God
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Moving to Chicago

Bob was sitting on the plane waiting to fly to Chicago , when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking in fear.

"What's the matter, afraid of flying?" Bob asked.

"No, it's not that. I've been transferred to Chicago . The people are crazy there, right? Lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor schools, and the highest crime rate in the nation."
Bob replied, "I've lived in Chicago all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, and enroll your kids in a nice private school. I've worked there for 14 years and never had the slightest trouble."
The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death, but if you've lived and worked there all those years and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."

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