breadcrumb Gentlejim Blog

10 Awesome things that money can't buy!

1. Manners

2. Morals

3. Respect

4. Character

5. Common Sense

6. Trust

7. Patience

8. Class

9. Integrity

10 Love
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THE HAIRCUT

Blessed are those that can give without remembering, and take without forgetting.

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'

The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for

him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill , the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you ' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill , the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there

were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

As Mark Twain said:

BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!

If you don't forward this you have no sense of humor.

Nothing bad will happen, however, you must live with yourself knowing that laughter is not in your future
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God's Wife

Priceless!

God's Wife
IT WILL KNOCK YOUR SOCKS OFF


Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once
talked about a contest he was asked to judge.
The purpose of the contest

was to find the most caring child.

The winner was:

1. A four-year-old child, whose next door
neighbor was an elderly gentleman,

who had recently lost his wife.

Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old
Gentleman's' yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.
When his mother asked him what he had said

to the neighbor, the little boy just said,

'Nothing, I just Helped him cry.'

****************************** ***************

2. Teacher Debbie Moon's first graders were
discussing a picture of a family. One little boy

in the picture had a different hair color

than the other members. One of her
students suggested that he was adopted.
A little girl said, 'I know all about
Adoption, I was adopted..'

'What does it mean to be adopted?',

asked another child.

'It means', said the girl, 'that you grew
in your mommy's heart instead of her tummy!'

************************ *********************

3. On my way home one day, I stopped to
watch a Little League baseball game that was

being played in a park near my home.

As Isatdown behind the bench on the first-
base line, I asked one of the boys what the score

was? 'We're behind 14 to nothing,'

he answered with a smile.

'Really,' I said. 'I have to say you
don't look very discouraged.'

'Discouraged?', the boy asked with a
Puzzled look on his face...

'Why should we be discouraged?

We haven't been up to bat yet.'

*********************** **********************

4. Whenever I'm disappointed with my spot
in life, I stop and think about little Jamie Scott.

Jamie was trying out for a part in the
school play. His mother told me that

he'd set his heart on being in it,

though she feared he would not be chosen..

On the day the parts were awarded, I went
with her to collect him after school

Jamie rushed up to her,
eyes shining with pride and excitement..

'Guess what, Mom,' he shouted,

and then said those words that will remain a lesson to
me...'I've been chosen to clap and cheer.'

****************************** ***************

5. An eye witness account from New York
City , on a cold day in December,
some years ago: A little boy,
about 10-years-old, was standing before

a shoe store on the roadway, barefooted,

peering through the window, and shivering
With cold.

A lady approached the young boy and said,
'My, but you're in such deep thought staring in that window!'

'I was asking God to give me a pair of
shoes,' was the boy's reply.

The lady took him by the hand, went into the store,

and asked the clerk to get half a dozen pairs of socks
for the boy. She then asked if he could give her

a basin of water and a towel.

He quickly brought them to her.

She took the little fellow to the back
part of the store and, removing her gloves,

knelt down, washed his little feet,

and dried them with the towel.

By this time, the clerk had returned with the socks..

Placing a pair upon the boy's feet, she purchased him
a pair of shoes..

She tied up the remaining pairs of socks
and gave them to him.. She patted him on the head

and said, 'No doubt, you will be more comfortable now..'

As she turned to go, the astonished kid
caught her by the hand, and looking up into her face,

with tears in his eyes, asked her:


'Are you God's wife?'

****************************** ***************

SEND TO ALL WHO LOVE AND CARE FOR CHILDREN.
Hope this put a smile on your face it

Sure did mine!



thumbs up thumbs up thumbs up
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ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND.

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it
becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as
when they were younger.

When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive,
and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Lorraine to get
a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and
for the health benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show
her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she
gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost
always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts
dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and
just wake me when she gets dinner on the table.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.
She had to take a break, when she was only half-finished mowing the
front lawn I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man... I tell her to
fix herself a nice big cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just
sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may
as well make one for me too.




EDITOR'S NOTE:

Frank died suddenly on January 31 of a perforated rectum.
The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch
Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5
inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby.
His wife Lorraine was arrested and charged with murder...
The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty,
accepting her defense that Frank, somehow without looking, accidentally
sat down on his golf club.

A hole in one, so to speak.


rolling on the floor laughing rolling on the floor laughing rolling on the floor laughing
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Robot Bartender

A GUY GOES INTO A BAR IN NEW YORK WHERE ALL THE BARTENDERS ARE ROBOTS:
THE GUY SITS DOWN AT THE BAR AND THE ROBOT ASKS: "WHAT WILL YOU HAVE?
THE GUY REPLIES, "WHISKEY."
THE ROBOT BRINGS BACK HIS DRINK AND ASKS, "WHAT'S YOUR IQ?"
THE GUY SAYS, "168"
The robot talks about physics, space exploration and medical technology.

AFTER THE GUY LEAVES, HE PAUSES AT THE STREET CORNER AND THINKS ABOUT WHAT HE JUST ENCOUNTERED,
AND THE MORE HE THINKS ABOUT IT THE MORE CURIOUS HE GETS, SO HE DECIDES TO GO BACK.

THE ROBOT ASKS, "WHAT'S YOUR DRINK?"
THE GUY ANSWERS, "WHISKEY."
THE ROBOT RETURNS WITH HIS DRINK AND ASKS, "WHAT'S YOUR IQ?"
THIS TIME THE MAN REPLIES, "100."
THE ROBOT TALKS ABOUT NASCAR, BUDWEISER, LSU AND ALL-STAR WRESTLING.
THE MAN FINISHES HIS DRINK, LEAVES, BUT IS SO INTERESTED IN THIS "EXPERIMENT" THAT HE DECIDES HE'LL TRY AGAIN.

HE ENTERS THE BAR AND, AS USUAL, THE ROBOT ASKS HIM WHAT HE WANTS TO DRINK.
THE MAN REPLIES, "WHISKEY."
THE ROBOT BRINGS THE DRINK AND ASKS, "WHAT'S YOUR IQ?"
THIS TIME THE MAN ANSWERS, "50."
THE ROBOT LEANS IN REAL CLOSE AND SLOWLY ASKS,
"SO, ARE YOU PEOPLE STILL UNHAPPY THAT HILLARY LOST?"

rolling on the floor laughing rolling on the floor laughing rolling on the floor laughing
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Smile

Why did the donut go to the dentist?

To get the hole filled!

laugh laugh
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HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY!

Happy Memorial Day to my family and friends! Also, I wish a Happy Memorial day to all veterans who are serving their country, especially those who paid the ultimate price with their lives!thumbs up
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Prognosis

Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told
him that he has only 24 hours to live.
Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex.

Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.

About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, 'Honey, you
know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more
time?'

Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that
he now has only 8 hours left.

He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, 'Honey, please... just one more
time before I die.'

She says, 'Of course, Dear,' and they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over and falls to sleep. Morris,
however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's
down to 4 more hours.

He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you
think we could...'
At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Morris, I have to get up
in the morning....... you don't.'
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THE PERFECT HUSBAND

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing.. I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"
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Just Three Words

A 76-year-old man is having a drink at the Meadows Country Club bar. Suddenly a gorgeous girl enters and sits down a few seats away. The girl is so attractive that he just can't take his eyes off her.

After a short while, the girl notices him staring, and approaches him. Before the man has time to apologize, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone: "I'll do anything you'd like. Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn't matter how extreme or unusual it is, I'm game. I want $100, and there's another condition". Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her condition is. "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words".

The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman. He then whips out his wallet and puts ten - $10 bills in her outstretched hand. He then looks her square in the eyes, and says slowly and clearly: "Paint my house."

Our needs change as we get older.


And that is how my house got painted last month! rolling on the floor laughing rolling on the floor laughing
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Looking for a Job in Florida

Sally Mulligan of Coral Springs, Florida decided to

take one of the jobs that most Americans are not willing to do.

Sally applied for a job in a Florida lemon grove and seemed

to be far too qualified for the job.

She has a liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan and

had worked as a social worker and a school teacher.

The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you, have you had

any actual experience in picking lemons?



"Well, as a matter of fact, I have," she said. "I've been divorced three

times, owned two Chryslers, voted twice for Obama, and once for Hillary."


She starts work in the morning.

rolling on the floor laughing rolling on the floor laughing
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The FBI agent

Three men want to become agents for the FBI. After a day of intensive interviews, they are told there is one more test to prove their dedication to the FBI. The head FBI agent takes the first guy into a private room. He hands him a gun and says, “Go into that room and kill your wife.”

The guy says, “No way” and leaves FBI headquarters.

The second guy goes through the same proceedings. He walks into the second room, but on seeing his wife decides that she is worth more than a good job and he too refuses.

Finally, the third guy is given the gun and told to kill his wife. He walks into the second room and six shots are heard. A few seconds later, the head FBI agent hears crashing and banging from the room. After a few minutes, the guy comes out of the room. “What happened?” asks the FBI agent.

“Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks. I had to kill her with the chair!”

rolling on the floor laughing rolling on the floor laughing
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