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GentlejimGentlejim Blog (705)

4,176 Blog Comments705 Blog705 Blogs96 Forums26 Quizzes7 Threads

Harry Goes To The Doctor

Harry had been feeling sick lately and was finally convinced to see the Doctor after his wife Suzy’s urging. After a thorough examination, and much thought, the Doctor was ready to tell Harry and a very worried Suzy, his prognosis. Harry was too stressed out. He would need 6 months of pure relaxation. Suzy, very agitated, took out her notepad to begin writing down his list of orders for these months of relaxation. “How should I go about it?” asked Harry. “OK” said the doctor “I would like your wife to take one tranquilizer four times a day…”

1. We have a genetic predisposition for diarrhea.
Runs in our jeans.

2. Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.
Poor guy.

3. I tried to catch fog yesterday,
Mist.

4. Why did the scarecrow get a raise?
He was outstanding in his field.

5. Parallel lines have so much in common.
It’s a shame they’ll never meet.

6. Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they’re gonna pay.
You have my Word.

7. My wife accused me of being immature.
I told her to get out of my fort.

8. What do you call a woman on the arm of a banjo player?
A tattoo.

9. I called a psychic once. She asked who was on the line,
so I hung up.

10. I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster.
If anything, it made him more sluggish.


rolling on the floor laughing rolling on the floor laughing
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Forrest Gump Dies

The day finally arrived.Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.



He is at the
Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the
gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the
gatekeeper.


St. Peter said,
'Well,Forrest, it is certainly good to see
you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you,
though, that the place is filling up fast, and we
have been administering an entrance examination for
everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it
before you can get into Heaven.'



Forrest responds, 'It sure is good to be
here, St. Peter, sir.
But nobody ever told me about any
entrance exam. I sure hope the test ain't too hard. Life was a big
enough test as it was.'


St. Peter continued,
'Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.



First:


What two days
of the week begin, with the letter T?



Second:


How many seconds are there in a year?


Third:


What is God's first name?


Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the
next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and
says, 'Now that you have had a chance to think the
questions over, tell me your
answers.'




Forrest replied,
'Well, the first one -- which two days in
the week begins with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one is
easy. That would be.... Today and Tomorrow .'



The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, 'Forrest,
that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a
point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give
you credit for that answer. How about the next one?'

asked St. Peter.


'How many
seconds in a
year?



Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, 'but I thunk and thunk
about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.'


Astounded, St. Peter said,
'Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in
Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?



Forrest
replied, 'Shucks, there's got to be
twelve:


January 2nd,
February 2nd, March 2nd...
'



'Hold it,
interrupts St. Peter. 'I see where you are going
with this, and I see your point, though that was not
quite what I had in mind... but I will have to give
you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the
third and final
question.




Can you tell
me God's first
name'?


'Sure,'
Forrest replied, it's Andy. '



'Andy?'

exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter. Ok, I can
understand how you came up with your answers to my
first two questions, but just how in the world did
you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?'






You are
going to love this
....






'Shucks,
that was the easiest one of all,' Forrest replied.
'I learnt it from the
song,









ANDY WALKS WITH
ME,





ANDY TALKS WITH
ME,





ANDY TELLS ME I
AM HIS OWN.'









St. Peter
opened the Pearly Gates, and said:
"Run, Forrest,
run!"




Lord, Give
me a sense of
humor,


Give
me the ability to understand a clean
joke,


To get
some humor out of
life.


And to
pass it
on.
rolling on the floor laughing rolling on the floor laughing
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Burden Bearing

Recently a news report carried the story of two puppies, brothers Jeffrey and Jermaine, who were found wandering the streets of Philadelphia. Though both dogs were frightened and sick, Jeffrey had a greater challenge--he was blind! Determined to care for his brother, Jermaine literally became a guide dog. He constantly stayed within touching distance of his disabled brother, and Jeffrey leaned on Jermaine for support. Without any training, Jermaine became a guide dog. The puppies were always seen touching each other and even slept holding each other. Their story melted the hearts of Philadelphians, and the brothers had no trouble finding a home.

If animals can be that devoted to each other, shouldn't we be the same? Galatians 6 tells us, as we have opportunity, to do good to all, especially those who are of the same household of faith. We can affirm, appreciate, and approve of others by the way we treat them. We can bear their burdens. Love is worthless unless it acts out, unless it's expressed in deed and behavior.

That's not just puppy love; it's agape love!

teddybear hug
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Little Humor

Q: What do you call a dog who can do magic?

(scroll down)






















A: Labracadabrador
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Lighten Up The Blogs

Black & White?"

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life." said the mother.
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So then, why is the groom wearing black?"

"Left-Handed?"

Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly trying week in kindergarten.
His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful.
His grandmother remarked, "doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?"
Bobby said, "Yes, God did it and He did it left handed."
This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him, "What makes you say God did this with his left hand?"
"Well," said Bobby, "we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand!

"The Flight to Egypt"

Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.
"The flight to Egypt," said Kyle.
"I see ... And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms. Terri said. "But who's the fourth person?"
"Oh, that's Pontius-the Pilot." said Kyle.

"White Hair"

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink.
She noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and asked, Why are some of your hairs white, Momma?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this for a while and then asked, "Momma, how comeALLof Grandma's hairs are white?"

"A New Twist to an Old Tale"

My friend likes to read his two young sons fairy tales at night.
Having a deep-rooted sense of humor, he often ad libs parts of the stories for fun.
One day his youngest son was sitting in his first- grade class. The teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs.
She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to acquire building materials for his home.
She said, "And so the pig went up to the man with a wheelbarrow full of straw and asked, 'Pardon me, sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'"
Then the teacher asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"
My friend's son, remembering his dad's humorous rendition of the story, raised his hand and said, "I know! I know!
The man said: 'Holy smokes! A talking pig!'"
rolling on the floor laughing rolling on the floor laughing rolling on the floor laughing

Smile...God loves you!
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Don't Make a Fuss About Valentine's Day

Background

My dearest wife is always going on and on and ON about NOT making a fuss over her on Valentine's Day. She repeats that it's the thought that counts.

Well, I put a lot of thought into the gifts from previous February 14ths but she didn't quite take to any of them like I assumed she would. Here's my list - see what you think:

Brand new mop and bucket. I was thinking it would be fun to see what colour the floor was because I couldn't remember.

Romantic dinner at fast food restaurant.
I was thinking that she might like to go inside for a change instead of fetching dinner at the drive through.

Chocolates left-over from last year's candy box. I was thinking of how proud she'd be of me for not wasting food. She's been nagging me for years to recycle.

Midnight moped ride through the park. I was thinking that I'm getting too old to be peddling on the bike.

Dozen roses printed on high quality photo paper. One of my favourites things! I was thinking these would last a lifetime instead of just a week.

45 second back massage. I was thinking any longer and she might think I was interested in something else.

Windows 8.1 I was thinking how proud she would be to be a part of the technology crowd.rolling on the floor laughing rolling on the floor laughing
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Why Some Men Have Dogs....And Not Wives



1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see
you.




2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's
name.




3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.




4. A dog's parents never visit.




5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point
across.




6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a
day.




7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk..




8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.




9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you
get another dog?"





10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them
away.




11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you
a pervert.




12. If a dog
smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They
just think it's interesting.




13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.




14. Dogs won't criticize your driving.



And last, but
not least:



15. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your
stuff.


To test this
fact:

Lock your wife and your dog in the trunk of your car for an hour. Then open it and see who's happy to see you!
rolling on the floor laughing rolling on the floor laughing wave wave wave hug hug hug
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10 Simple Ways To Be a Happy Person!

Joy is within your reach, go grab some!

We all want to feel happy, and each one of us has different ways of getting there. Here are 10 steps you can take to increase your joie de vivre and bring more happiness into your life:

1. Be with others who make you smile. Studies show that we are happiest when we are around those who are also happy. Stick with those who are joyful and let rub off on you.

2. Hold on to your values. What you find true, what you know is fair, and what you believe in are all values. Over time, the more you honor them, the better you will feel about yourself and those you love.

3. Accept the good. Look at your life and take stock of what’s working, and don’t push away something just because it isn’t perfect. When good things happen, even the very little ones, let them in.

4. Imagine the best. Don’t be afraid to look at what you really want and see yourself getting it. Many people avoid this process because they don’t want to be disappointed if things don’t work out. The truth is that imagining getting what you want is a big part of achieving it.

5. Do things you love. Maybe you can’t skydive every day or take vacations every season, but as long as you get to do the things you love every once in a while, you will find greater happiness.

6. Find purpose. Those who believe they are contributing to the well-being of humanity tend to feel better about their lives. Most people want to be part of something greater than they are, simply because it’s fulfilling.

7. Listen to your heart. You are the only one who knows what fills you up. Your family and friends may think you’d be great at something that really doesn’t float your boat. It can be complicated following your bliss. Just be smart, and keep your day job for the time being.

8. Push yourself, not others. It’s easy to feel that someone else is responsible for your fulfillment, but the reality is that it is really your charge. Once you realize that, you have the power to get where you want to go. Stop blaming others or the world, and you’ll find your answers much sooner.

9. Be open to change. Even if it doesn’t feel good, change is the one thing you can count on. Change will happen, so make contingency plans and emotionally shore yourself up for the experience.

10. Bask in the simple pleasures. Those who love you, treasured memories, silly jokes, warm days, and starry nights—these are the ties that bind and the gifts that keep on giving.

Happiness and fulfillment are within your grasp, but sometimes just out of reach. Understanding what works best for you is the first step in finding more of them.
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY KNenagh

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KN!happy birthday cake party party hat balloons danceline dancing boogie I hope you have many more! Enjoy "your day"!!!
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Twenty Questions

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroids

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quatro Sinko

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
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What Kind Of Weather Do You Like?

Today, the weather is terrible where I live! It has been snowing and blowing since late last night! Blizzard conditions with major whiteouts! Cannot drive any place because of the whiteouts and drifting snow!

It is a "balmy" 12 degrees F outside. barf


sigh


Oh sunshine, oh sunshine, where are thou?daisy


What is the weather like where you are?
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How Much Do You Know About the Day the Music Died?

They call it "The Day the Music Died." On February 3rd, 1959, a plane carrying Buddy Holly, J.P. Richardson Jr. (aka the Big Bopper), and Richie Valens crashed not long after takeoff, killing the pilot and all three musicians. Today we take a look back and see how much you know about that tragic event.

Why Did Everyone Fly That Day? The three were touring across the country when, a little over a week into what was already a grueling trip, their tour bus encountered some mechanical difficulties. So Buddy Holly chartered a plane, planning to reach the next stop early, do everyone's laundry (which to that point no one had done on the trip) and get some sleep. He was originally going to take just his band members, but at the last moment, Richie Valens and the Big Bopper got the other two seats on the plane.


Why Were Richardson and Valens with Holly?
Like we said, two of those three musicians were never supposed to get on that plane. But Richardson was sick with a cold and Holly's bassist, Waylon Jennings, gave Richardson his seat. There are different stories as to why Tommy Allsup (Holly's guitarist) gave Valens his seat, but the story that's gained the most traction over the years is that the two flipped a coin for it, and Valens won. The story goes that when Holly realized Jennings gave up his seat, Holly told Jennings, "Well I hope your ol' bus freezes up," to which Jennings allegedly responded, "Well, I hope your ol' plane crashes." (It is my understanding, that Jennings never forgave himself for saying that and carried it with him his whole life)


Why Did the Plane Crash?
The flight was piloted by an inexperienced captain who was all of 21 years old. His name was Roger Peterson and he was coming off a 17-hour work day, but wasn't about to turn down the opportunity to fly Buddy Holly in his plane. To make matters worse, he was headed straight into a snowstorm. Given clearance for takeoff, he apparently never received the weather advisory. The flight only lasted a few minutes before the blizzard sent them tumbling into a cornfield where it's believed they died on impact.


Buddy Holly was rocking "nerd chic" way before it was hip. Ironically, when Holly was originally looking for glasses years before the accident, he had wanted something inconspicuous for when he was performing. But while on a vacation in Mexico City, his optometrist, J. Davis Armistead, found a pair that seemed distinct and befitting a performer. "Those heavy black frames achieve exactly what we wanted." he said. He gave them to Holly who we now can't imagine without them. As Armistead said, "They became a distinct part of him." We bring all this up because when they searched through the wreckage, they were surprised they couldn't find the spectacles that were such a staple of Holly's wardrobe.

But when spring came, the snow melted and a pair of thick black framed glasses were found not too far from the crash site. People knew exactly who they belonged to.

Hope everyone has an AWESOME DAY!
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