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GentlejimGentlejim Blog (705)

4,176 Blog Comments705 Blog705 Blogs96 Forums26 Quizzes7 Threads

Say What Mis-Take Be Careful

Say What?

Three gentlemen were sitting on the front porch of a Nursing Home.
One said, "It sure is windy!"
The second said, "No, it's Thursday."
The third said, "Me, too. Let's go get a drink."


Mis-Take

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged.
However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'


Be Careful!

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch he asks the little old lady, "Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?".
"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.
The puzzled driver asks,"Then....why do you buy them?"
The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them !"
It pays to be careful around little old ladies !

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Farmer Fred...

Farmer Fred once lived on a quiet rural highway but as time went by, the traffic slowly built up and eventually got so heavy and so fast that his free range chickens were being run over, at a rate of three to six a week.

So Farmer Fred called the local police station to complain, "You've got to do something about all these people driving so fast and killing all my chickens," he said to the local police officer.

"What do you want me to do?" asked the policeman.

"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"

So the next day the policeman had the Council erect a sign that said:

‘SCHOOL CROSSING’

Three days later Farmer Fred called the policeman and said, "You've still got to do something about these drivers. The ‘school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster!"

So again, they put up a new sign:

‘SLOW - CHILDREN AT PLAY’

That really sped them up. So Farmer Fred called and said, "Your signs are no good. Can I put up my own sign?"

In order to get Farmer Fred off his back said "Sure. Put up your own sign”.

The phone calls to the Police Station stopped, but curiosity got the better of the Officer, so he called Farmer Fred and asked “How’s the problem with the speeding drivers?
Did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did and not one chicken has been killed".

The policeman was really curious and thought he'd better go out and take a look at the sign. He also thought the sign might be something the Police could use elsewhere, to slow drivers down.

So he drove out to Farmer Fred's house. His jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign.


'NUDIST COLONY'

'Slow down and watch out for chicks!'


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People are like Potatoes!

Some people never seem motivated to participate, but are content to watch others do... They are called "Speck Tators."

Some people never do anything to help, but are gifted at finding fault with the way others do things... They're called "Comment Tators."

Some are always looking to cause problems and really get under your skin... They are called "Aggie Tators."

There are those who are always saying they will, but somehow, they never get around to doing... We call them "Hezzie Tators."

Some people put on a front and act like someone else... They're called "Emma Tators."

Then, there are those who walk what they talk. They're always prepared to stop what they're doing to lend a hand to others, and bring real sunshine into the lives of others. They are called "Sweet Tators."


"Could You Repeat That?"
A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men,showed her a study which indicated that men use on the average only 15,000 words a day, where as women use 30,000 words a day.
She thought about this for awhile and then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.
He said, "What?"

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The Mystery Of God

For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts. Isaih 55:9

Before a stranger becomes a friend, you must get to know him. This takes time. No two people are the same. The same is true of God. He is different from any being we have known. We could spend eternity considering His attributes and never exhaust the subject.

The complexity, detail, and wonder of nature illustrate this. Take a leaf for example. It has color, has veins, and feeds the plant using sunlight to convert water and carbon dioxide to fuel. This is one part of creation. If creation is this unique, intricate, and complex, how much more is the Creator!

Thankfully, we have our entire lives, both on earth and in eternity, to learn and reflect on who God is. Keep calm and worship Him!
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The Parrot

An accountant goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner shows him three identical parrots on a perch and says, "The parrot on the left costs $500." "Why does that parrot cost so much?" asks the accountant. "Well," replies the owner, "it knows how to do complex audits." "How much does the middle parrot cost?" asks the accountant. "That one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the first one can do plus it knows how to prepare financial forecasts". The startled accountant asks about the third parrot, he was told it costs $4,000. Needless to say, this begs the question, "What can it do?" To which the owner replies "To be honest, I’ve never seen him do a darn thing, but the other two call him Senior Partner."

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JUST A FEW GOOD SMILES & LAUGHS...

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.
Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair-stylist you like.
Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.
One of the life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.
It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing.
I don't mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese.
I had to give up jogging for my health. My thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.
Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while, and it shrinks two sizes.
The only time a woman wishes she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby.
Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.
Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.
Can it be a coincidence that "STRESSED" is "DESSERTS" spelled backwards.
"Could You Repeat That?"

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It's The Truth

A man and his wife are out on the town one evening.
Seeing flashing red and blue lights in his rear view mirror, he pulls to the side of the road.
A minute or so after coming to a stop, a police officer approaches the car.
The man says: What's the problem officer?
Officer: You were going 75 miles an hour in a 55 mile an hour zone. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ticket you.
Man: No sir, I was going a little over 60.
Wife: Oh Harry, You were going at least 80.
[The man gives wife a dirty look.]
Officer: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light.
Wife: Harry you've known about that tail light for weeks.
[The man gives his wife dirty look.}
Officer: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh,I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt!
Man turns to his wife and yells: FOR CRYIN' OUT LOUD, CAN'T YOU JUST SHUT YOUR MOUTH!
The officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
Wife says: "No, only when he's drunk."

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A Whacky Story

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.
He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. So, he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.
The frog says $30,000.
She asks his name and the frog says his name is Kermit Jagger and that it's okay, he knows the manager.
Patty explains that $30,000. is a substantial amount of money and that he will need some collateral against the loan.
She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.
The frog says, "Sure, I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says,
"There's a frog named Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000.
He wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant and says: "I mean, what the heck is this?"
So the bank manager looks back at her and says,
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

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Birthday Blog

I wonder what happened to my blog about BC's birthday? Anybody have a clue?confused
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"Hi Ho Silver"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a resturant and sat down to order.
After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do...Why?"
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion.
The Lone Ranger got the horse some water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel alot better."
Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver.
Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the resturant to finish ordering.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts in and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?"
The cowboy looks him in the eye and says,...
"Nothin' - but you left your Injun runnin'."

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Why We Worship

Why We Worship

Give unto the LORD the glory due to His name; worship the LORD in the beauty of holiness.
Psalm 29:2


Some things in life are negotiable, others are not. Civil laws are non-negotiable. The physical laws of the universe, like gravity, are non-negotiable. Going to the gym, raking the leaves, purchasing a desired item -- these, and other things in life, are negotiable. That means we can allow our feelings to help determine our course of action.


Non-negotiables in the kingdom of God are expressed as commands. Sometimes we are told they are laws, as in the Ten Commandments (Exodus 20:1-17), and other times their status as commands is implied by how they are written. As suggested by Hebrew grammar, worshiping God is not negotiable: "worship the Lord" is an imperative form (1 Chronicles 16:29; Psalm 29:2; 96:9). We think of worship as an emotional act born out of love and gratitude -- those are good reasons to worship God. But what if we don't feel love and gratitude? At that point we worship God because of "the splendor of His holiness" (NIV). That is, we worship Him because He deserves to be worshiped as our Creator-God.

Don't let feelings be an obstacle to worship. Worship God because of Who He is and what He deserves -- and feelings will follow.

"What or whom we worship determines our behavior".
John Murray
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9/11

Thurs of this week is the 13th anniversary of the horror of 9/11. A stark reminder that all Americans world wide need to be very vigilant! My understanding from news coming out of Washinton D.C. is, there has been a lot of chatter in cyber space about ISIS attacking the US either on their homeland or in some other place. I suggest if you have a weapon in your home or business to check it and make sure it will shoot!

SO EVERYONE BE VERY CAREFUL THE NEXT FEW DAYS!!!!
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