> A man, a miss,
> A car a curve.
> He kissed the miss,
> And missed the curve.
> Burma Shave
>
> I'm sure that Burma Shave actually saved some lives.
> People laughed and then were more careful!
> It was a REAL "service" to America, even though
> it was an advertisement and it was one of the
> RARE "really useful" ones!
>
> For those who never saw any of the Burma Shave
> signs, here is a quick lesson in our history of the
> 1930's and '40's. Before there were interstates,
> when everyone drove the old 2-lane roads,
> Burma Shave signs would be posted all over
> the countryside in farmers' fields. They were
> small red signs with white letters. Five signs,
> about 100 feet apart, each containing
> 1 line of a 4 line couplet and the obligatory
> 5th sign advertising Burma Shave,
> a popular shaving cream.
>
> DON'T STICK YOUR ELBOW
> OUT SO FAR
> IT MAY GO HOME
> IN ANOTHER CAR.
> Burma Shave
>
> TRAINS DON'T WANDER
> ALL OVER THE MAP
> 'CAUSE NOBODY SITS
> IN THE ENGINEER'S LAP.
> Burma Shave
>
> SHE KISSED THE HAIRBRUSH
> BY MISTAKE
> SHE THOUGHT IT WAS
> HER HUSBAND JAKE.
> Burma Shave
>
> DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD
> TO GAIN A MINUTE
> YOU NEED YOUR HEAD
> YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT.
> Burma Shave
>
> DROVE TOO LONG
> DRIVER SNOOZING
> WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
> IS NOT AMUSING.
> Burma Shave
>
> BROTHER SPEEDER
> LET'S REHEARSE
> ALL TOGETHER
> GOOD MORNING, NURSE.
> Burma Shave
>
> CAUTIOUS RIDER
> TO HER RECKLESS DEAR
> LET'S HAVE LESS BULL
> AND A LITTLE MORE STEER.
> Burma Shave
>
> SPEED WAS HIGH
> WEATHER WAS HOT
> TIRES WERE THIN
> X MARKS THE SPOT.
> Burma Shave
>
> THE MIDNIGHTRIDE
> OF PAUL FOR BEER
> LED TO A WARMER
> HEMISPHERE.
> Burma Shave
>
> AROUND THE CURVE
> LICKETY-SPLIT
> BEAUTIFUL CAR
> WASN'T IT?
> Burma Shave
>
> NO MATTER THE PRICE
> NO MATTER HOW NEW
> THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE
> IN THE CAR IS YOU.
> Burma Shave
>
> A GUY WHO DRIVES
> A CAR WIDE OPEN
> IS NOT THINKIN'
> HE'S JUST HOPING
> Burma Shave
>
> AT INTERSECTIONS
> LOOK EACH WAY
> A HARP SOUNDS NICE
> BUT IT'S HARD TO PLAY.
> Burma Shave
>
> BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL
> EYES ON THE ROAD
> THAT'S THE SKILLFUL
> DRIVER'S CODE.
> Burma Shave
>
> THE ONE WHO DRIVES
> WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING
> DEPENDS ON YOU
> TO DO HIS THINKING.
> Burma Shave
>
> CAR IN DITCH
> DRIVER IN TREE
> THE MOON WAS FULL
> AND SO WAS HE.
> Burma Shave
>
> PASSING SCHOOL ZONE
> TAKE IT SLOW
> LET OUR LITTLE
> SHAVERS GROW.
> Burma Shave
>
> Do these bring back any old memories?
> If not, you're merely a child.
> If they do, then you're old as dirt.
> LIKE ME! I loved reading them
> Have a great day!
Several men are in the locker room of a golf
club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much"
WOMAN: "$90,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.
He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"
The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures, so they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later, the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.
The Catholic church came up with a very creative strategy: they
baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue after they took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.
HAPPY EASTER everyone!
What are your plans for Easter?
I will be sharing a meal with my family!
Understanding Engineers #1:
Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
Understanding Engineers #2:
To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Understanding Engineers #3:
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!"
The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if here's anything she can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
Understanding Engineers #4:
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons.
Civil engineers build targets.
Understanding Engineers #5:
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?”
Understanding Engineers #6:
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
Understanding Engineers #7:
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."
And finally:
Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.
One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently serving as elected members of Congress.
"An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy .. do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No ... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times"...
The only cow in a small Iowa town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the state line in Wisconsin for $200.
They bought the cow from Wisconsin and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.
The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do. They told the Vet what was happening. “Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side, she walks away to the other side.”
The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, “Did you by chance, buy this cow in Wisconsin?” The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. “You are truly a wise Vet,” they said. “How did you know we got the cow in Wisconsin?”
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, “My wife is from Wisconsin.”
Young preacher Nathan was sitting in a lunch counter eating spaghetti and salad. He opened an envelope he’d just received that morning from his mother. As he opened it a thirty bucks fell out. He thought to himself; ”Thanks, Mom, I sure needed that right now.” As Nathan finished his food, he saw a beggar outside of the restaurant on the sidewalk leaning against the light post. Nathan thinking that the poor man could probably use the thirty bucks more than he, he crossed out the names on the envelope and wrote across the top in large letters,
‘Persevere!’
So as not to make a dramatic scene, he put the envelope under poor man’s arm and dropped it as he walked past the man. The poor man picked it up and read the message and smiled. The next midday, as Nathan enjoyed his meal, the same guy tapped him on the shoulder and handed him a big wad of bills. Surprised, the young preacher asked him what that was for. The man replied, “This is your half of the winnings. Your favorite horse Persevere came in first in the sixth race at the track yesterday and paid thirty five to one.”
Rebecca was driving home from one of her business trips in New Mexico when she saw an old Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the old Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the trip, Rebecca tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a black leather bag on the seat next to Rebecca.
“What in bag?” asked the old woman.
Rebecca looked down at the leather bag and said, “It’s a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.”
The Navajo woman was silent for a few seconds. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, “Good trade.”
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this... pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.
If ever u feel overloaded by life, wife or work, Immediately go to the nearest "Biological Anxiety Relief" (BAR) center & place order for any 1 or more of the following Antidotes:
1. Wife Irritation Neutralizing Extract (WINE)
2. Refreshing Unique Medicine (RUM)
3. Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER)
4. Vaccino Officio Depression Killing Antigen (VODKA)
5. Wife High Infusing Suspicion Killing Energy Yeast (WHISKEY)
Gentlejim Blog (705)