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GentlejimGentlejim Blog (705)

4,176 Blog Comments705 Blog705 Blogs96 Forums26 Quizzes7 Threads

Something To Make You Smile

My Mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex
life; and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and
highlights of theirs?laugh laugh

Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.
Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.laugh laugh

Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to
avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls him over as
he veers about all over the road. Paddy tells the cop about all the
trees in the road. Cop says "For God's sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!"laugh laugh
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Today's Housekeeping Tips

"Always keep several get well cards on the mantel. That way, if unexpected guests arrive, they will think you've have been sick and unable to clean".

rolling on the floor laughing rolling on the floor laughing
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Talking Dog

While walking along the street, a man saw a sign that said: TALKING DOG FOR SALE, $10. The man couldn’t believe his ears when the dog said, “Please buy me. I’m a great dog. I played professional football. I was even nominated most valuable player.” “That dog really does talk!” the man gasped. “Why in the world do you want to sell him for only ten dollars?” “He never played professional football,” said the dog’s owner, “and I can’t stand liars.”

laugh laugh
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Adams Rib

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, “What is wrong with you?”

Adam said, “Lord, I don’t have anyone to talk to.”

God said, “Then I will give you a companion, and she will be called a ‘woman’. This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you’ve had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give 'love’ and compassion whenever needed. She will never question your behaviour or the company you keep. She will support you and understand that you have important decisions to make throughout your life and don’t have time for nonsense…”

Adam asked God, “What will this woman cost?”

God said, “An arm and a leg…”

Adam said, “What can I get for just a rib?”
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Time Gets Better With Age

Read it through to the end, it gets better as you go!

I've learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sing "Silent Night." Age 5

I've learned that our dog doesn't want to eat my broccoli either. Age 7

I've learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back. Age 9

I've learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up again. Age 12

I've learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up. Age 14

I've learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly glad my parents are strict with me. Age 15

I've learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice Age 24

I've learned that brushing my child's hair is one of life's great pleasures Age 26

I've learned that wherever I go, the world's worst drivers have followed me there. Age 29

I've learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it. Age 30

I've learned that there are people who love you dearly but just don't know how to show it. Age 42

I've learned that you can make someone's day by simply sending them a little note. Age 44

I've learned that the greater a person's sense of guilt, the greater his or her need to cast blame on others. Age 46

I've learned that children and grandparents are natural allies. Age 47

I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on and it will be better tomorrow. Age 48

I've learned that singing "Amazing Grace" can lift my spirits for hours. Age 49

I've learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone. Age 50

I've learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. Age 51

I've learned that keeping a vegetable garden is worth a medicine cabinet full of pills. Age 52

I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you miss them terribly after they die. Age 53

I've learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life. Age 58

I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. Age 62

I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back. Age 64

I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new people,
and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you. Age 65

I've learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually make the right decision. Age 66

I've learned that everyone can use a prayer. Age 72

I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. Age 74

I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch - holding hands, a warm hug, Or just a friendly pat on the back. Age 76

I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. Age 78

I've learned that you should pass this on to someone you care about. Sometimes they just need a little something to make them smile.
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Two Ants

Two ants wandered into a large-screen TV. After crawling around for hours and hours the first ant started to cry.

“I think we’re lost! We’ll never get out!” “Don’t worry,” said the second ant. “I brought along a TV guide.”


rolling on the floor laughing rolling on the floor laughing
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This blog is directed at a guy from NY, city!

You come on here and do nothing but spout verses from the Bible etc.!

Now you attack people in the protest in Virginia!

Why don't you be man enough to allow comments on your blog?

I am not disallowing comments! Everyone can speak their piece!

Hope to hear from people on what they think about this subject!
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Sad News- Singer, Glen Campbell died

Singer, Glen Campbell, died, Tuesday August 8. Very sad!sigh He was an awesome talent!

One of my favorite singers!

Some of his music was: By the Time I get To Phoenix....Wichita Lineman....Rhinestone Cowboy.... Galveston.... Southern Nights and The Hand That Rocks the Cradle.

R.I.P. Glen.


What did you think of him and his music?
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Bagpiper

I love this story. Lay down what’s bothering you, breathe in the fresh air and LISTEN to this story.

Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life.

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.


I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently, I'm still lost....it's a man thing.

rolling on the floor laughing rolling on the floor laughing
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The last Nickel

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.

The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy’s testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, ‘I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?'

'No,' the woman replied. 'Divorce attorney.'

rolling on the floor laughing rolling on the floor laughing
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Dalmatian Dog

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children began discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another. "He's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close with this comment: "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

rolling on the floor laughing rolling on the floor laughing
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The Haircut

(Blessed are those who can give without remembering.....and take without forgetting.)

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop came in for a haircut, and when he tried to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

As Ronald Reagan said: BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN....AND FOR THE SAME REASON!thumbs up
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