The story begins with the team camped on the lower slopes of the Andes,(not be confused with the upper slopes which are called armies). They have been there for about six months due to B.O's inability to speak the native dialect, He thought they had said that tigers were plentiful, whereas they had actually said, and I quote, "Hey stupid there are no tigers here and never have been but we are going to convince you to stay", the reason for this is because they had just received their tax bill. This came in a form demanding that they pay their Tax's this year in hand made woolly socks which was a major worry as they did not know how to knit, so they were planning on stealing the teams socks.
Right back to the team,-------------------------------------
They were sitting in a building made from the remnants of an ancient Aztec Temple which had fallen on bad times, (bad times never got over this fact). Nearby was a rude hut made from the bones of the last woolly yak. This explains why it was a rude hut, if you have heard a woolly Yak you would understand, they have the ability to make you wish to bang your head against the nearest solid object.
End of part 2.
This is the story of Brendan O'Flatulence, the last of the great Irish Tiger Hunters.
An Introduction to the main players:-
Brendan O'Flatulence, - known to his friends, (which are few),as
B.O. This is due to his uncanny ability to avoid water,(even when crossing a river). Because of his fear of rifles he carries a slingshot and water pistol, which explains why he has never actually caught a Tiger, Normally dressed in sack cloth and ashes.
Sebastian Mc,only Williams - A retired outer Mongolian Sheep sexer with the most severe case of Haliotosis known to mankind.
Has a heritage of such complexity that even Einstein gave up trying to work it out. Works as B.O.s Slave/valet. Is known to all and sundry (yes even sundry)as OGRIEF.
Yuuk - Now this is a strange animal. It looks like a pig but with a straight tail and a horn in the middle of its head. It has an intelligence level equal to the Dean of Corpus Christi college in the UK.It spends most of its time rolling in llama droppings, which, as it turns out, is also its main source of food. When not rolling, it can usually be found sitting crossed legged (it has the ability to cross both sets of legs), reading mein kampf or war and peace.
There are other people but these can wait until the next episode.
A 75 year old man was asked the secret of his 50 years of marriage. He replied by saying that it was due to the fact that he always had the last say in all arguments. This, of course surprised the interviewer. Then the old man said, of course i always have the last word .....Yes Dear.
The Service Staion trade was slow the owner sat around
with sharpened knife and cedar stick piled shavings on the ground.
No modern facilites had they there the log across the rill
led to shack marked his and hers the sat against the hill
"Where is the ladies lavatory sir"?, the owner leaning back
said not a word but whittled on and nodded towards the shack
With quickened step she entered there but only stayed a minute
until she screamed just like a snake or spider might be in it
with startled look and beet red face she bounded through the door
and headed quickly for the car just like three sheila,s did before
of course we all desired to know what made the girls all do
the thing they did and then we found the whittling owner knew
a speaking system he,d devised to make the thing complete
he tied a speaker on the wall beneath the toilet seat
he.d wait until the girls got set and then the devilish tike
would stop his whittling long enough to speak into the mike
and as she sat, a voice below struck terror, fright and fear,
will you please use the other hole
we,re painting under here.
Names and numbers are as follows:-
1. Snake. 2 Shanny. 3 Hunny. 4 Irish. 5 Gloria.
6 Tigger. 7 Ruckers. 8 Maiden. 9 Bans. 10 Beach.
11 Rev. 12 Maiden. 13 Tuggs. 14 Taris. 15 Hoping.
16 Bunnii. 17 Star. 18 Elec. 19 Film. 20 OC.
21 Shelby. 22 2 France. 23 Ali 27. 24 Bigg Mario.
Good luck to you all.
WICOE is proud to announce the opening of its evening classes for males.Due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants.
The course covers two days and topics covered in this course include:
DAY ONE.
HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS.
Step by step guide with slide presentation.
TOILET ROLLS. DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Round table discussion.
DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKETS AND FLOOR.
Practising with hamper(Pictures and Graphics)
DISHES & SILVERWARE. DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK
OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES.
Debate by panel of experts.
REMOTE CONTROL
Losing the remote control. Help line and support group.
LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS.
Starting with looking in the right place instead of
turning house upside down while screaming. Open forum.
DAY TWO.
DO EMPTY MILK CARTONS BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN.
Group discussion and role play.
IS IT GENETICALLY POSSIBLE TO STAY QUIET WHEN SHE
PARALLEL PARKS.
Driving simulation.
HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION.
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.
GETTING OVER IT. LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG
ALL THE TIME.
Individual counsellers available.
Two drunks were fooling around when one challenged the other to shoot him with cigarette butts "to see what it would feel like". His friend obligingly loaded an antique rifle with cigarette butts placing black powder behind the butts to make sure they left the barrel of the gun. He then shot his friend from a distance of seven feet. The projectiles penetrated the ribcage of the thirty one -year-old who had issued the challenge, and he died of three cigarette butts to the heart.
So it's true - Smoking kills.
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level form "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon, though, security levels may be raised again to "Irritated" or even "A bit cross". The English have not been "A bit cross" since the blitz in 1940 when the tea supplies nearly ran out. Terorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to "A bloody nuisance".
The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed off" to "Lets get the bastards". They don;t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British Army for the last 300 years.
The French Government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two levels higher in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender". The rise was precipitated by a fire that destoyed the white flag factoray, effectively paralyzing the countrys military capabality.
The Germans have increased their alert status from "Disdainful arrogance" to "Dress in uniform and sing marching songs" They also have higher levels; "Invade a neighbour" and "Lose".
The Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are excited to see their new submarines are ready to deploy. These beautiful designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can see the old Spanish navy.
Australia, meanwhile has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right". Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey I think we"ll have to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted the use of the final escalation level.
A final thought "Greece is collapsing, The Iranians are getting aggresive and Rome is in disarry. Welcome back to 430 BC".
With many thanks to John Cleese.
1. You Are reading this.
2. You are a human.
3. You can't say the letter "P" without moving your lips.
4. You just attempted to do it .
6. You are laughing at yourself.
7. You have a smile on your face and have just skipped No 5.
8. You just checked to see if there is a No 5.
9. You are laughing again.
10. You are going to get someone else to do thjis.
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