Catfoot Blog

A Death Threat.

I’m in grave trouble. Some guy is threatening to shoot me or run me over with his car. I’m soiling my underpants with fear. I’m too scared to leave the house.

I received a hand-delivered note in my mailbox yesterday informing me that the writer will kill me if I shag his wife again.

The solution is simple enough; just lay off her, but who do I cut out of my busy schedule? The guy did not tell me who his wife is and never put his name on the note.

How inconsiderate of him!

I hope there is no blue in your Monday.

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Jun 2015
in Comedy
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Following the decision to utilize the carcasses of animals that fell victim to poachers, elephant carcasses became available in moderate quantities. To pave the way for the Elephant Carcass Export Company (ECEC) I founded last week, I bring you a recipe on how to prepare this African delicacy.

Ingredients
1 Large African Elephant carcass (Loxodontus Africana)
200 Bags Of Salt
500 Kg Pepper Corns
750 Pockets Of Potatoes
300 Bushels Of Carrots
200 Pockets Of Onions
200 Kg Of Parsley
1 Rabbit

Method
Cut the elephant in bite-sized chunks. This will take about six weeks.
Chop vegetables into cubes. Another four weeks.
Place meat in jumbo size missionary pot.
Add 5123.25 liters of water. (fire hose suggested)
Simmer for 28 days
Shovel in salt and pepper to taste.
When meat is tender add vegetables. (Electric conveyer belt recommended)
Simmer for another 14 days with the lid on.
Garnish with parsley
Serve warm on a bed of cold rice

The recipe serves about 3000 people. If more guests are expected, add the rabbit. However, this is not recommended because very few people like hare in their stew.

Anybody interested in investing in my new venture are welcome to apply. All inquiries will be handled in strict confidence. Only the gullible need to apply. No scammers please.

Have a joyful week.

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Jun 2015
in Comedy
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Are Love And Happiness Mutually Inclusive?

We all seek love; believing it will make us happy. Nothing can be further from the truth. Love on its own cannot make us happy and it is perfectly possible to be happy without it. Love is only one component of happiness.

Please note that I’m talking specifically about the love between a man and a woman here.

Happiness is not an emotion; it is a state of mind. But it does not come by itself. You have to work on it constantly. You have to make other people happy so they can contribute to your happiness as well.

We often confuse the euphoria of being in love with happiness. It only temporary blinds us from all the other things that make us unhappy. It will soon wear off. Our unhappiness with other things will have a negative impact on our love and pull it down as well. We have to be happy to enjoy unrestricted love.

Many things can make you unhappy but only you can make you happy. To be happy you must be satisfied with your life. You cannot claim to be happy while you hate your job, your house, or your sister-in-law. You have to identify and eliminate the things that make you unhappy. (Don’t eliminate your sister-in-law. It will bring more unhappiness. You won’t get away with 10 months.)

Take stock of the things that make you unhappy. Rectify the things that you can change, and then re-evaluate the things that you cannot change and accept that you cannot change it. Contentment is the first step towards happiness.

Love is not self-sustaining and does not bring lasting happiness, but it thrives on it. Work on your happiness and love will soon follow.

Remember that today is the first day of the rest of your life. Get a good start!

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Jun 2015
in Opinionated
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106 comments
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50 Ways To Leave Your Lover

Parting should not be that complicated. A relationship is only valid while both parties want to be in it. If any party opts out, well then that is it. As somebody once said, a relationship is too big for one, too small for three but just right for two.

But it is not always that easy. Sometimes the other party does not see it this way and then a person who could have been remembered with fondness, suddenly leaves a foul taste in your mouth.

How do you handle the phone calls after midnight containing phrases like ‘I’m going to kill myself’ and ‘You were just after my body’ or maybe, if it was a male who got the boot, something like ‘You were just after my money’. And sometimes you may even get threats and blackmail as a side dish.

You can hang up the phone knowing that the person will call again the next night... if not immediately.

Alternatively, you can offer poison or a rope, but the outcome to that could be horrendous. Nobody wants that on his or her conscience.

Or you can try to try to placate the person knowing all too well that it will not be longer than a few hours before the next call.

And as a last resort, you can make up again, which will be futile, for it will only postpone the inevitable for a short while. If you still wanted to be with the person, you would not have broken it off in the first place.

How do you deal with it, or are there other alternatives?

Shakespeare once said, “Parting is such sweet sorrow.” I suppose he was talking about a different kind of parting.

Stay loose! It is Friday.

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Jun 2015
in Opinionated
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Baldness Explained.

Baldness is often misunderstood, which is mainly due to a lot of hair roots filling the brain cavity. Our position on the evolution scale dictates that we should have no hair on our heads. That is why babies, in general, are born with little or no hair.

The shape of the head does not get much attention while the baby is in the mother’s womb. This is because of the natural pressure exerted on it as the womb tries to regain its normal size. It is sometimes aggravated by corsets and other tight garments. Remember, a baby’s head is soft.

During birth, this condition it goes worse. The circumference of the baby’s head is much larger than what the birth canal can accommodate. As something must give (the birth canal won’t), the baby’s head goes. Because of all the aforementioned circumstances, all babies are born with an imperfect shape of the scalp.

It takes time for the scalp to attain its perfect shape and until then nature covers our scalps with hair on order to hide the imperfections for the time being. This process of reaching that perfect shape typically takes about forty to fifty years. It can take longer and in rare cases, it can happen much sooner.

Women, being hard headed, seldom attain that perfect scalp, and normally take most their hair with them into the grave.

On the other hand, being more flexible, men mostly make it, though sometimes only partially. As perfection approaches, the hair (on the perfect parts of the scalp) is gradually shed and as the hair (and their roots) decreases it creates more space for the brain to develop until eventually a perfect specimen of our species emerges. .

When next time you see a person with a full head of hair, know that he or she still has a lot to hide under that hair. And if the person speaks a lot of garbage on top of it, bear in mind what fills the brain cavity.

Bottoms up then!

Ps.
You don’t have to thank me for this valuable information. I rendered it as a public service in order to promote a better understanding of the things in life that really matter.

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Jun 2015
in Comedy
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55 comments
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Is It In Our Genes?

Humans have honed the art of killing other humans into a fine art. Our modern military hardware is proof of that. Biological, chemical, and nuclear weapons are just some examples of the destructiveness of man. Whether we want to kill one person or wipe an entire city off the map, we will know exactly how to go about it.

This is not the case with most other mammals but there are a few exceptions. The most notable of these, is our closest living relative (according to scientists), the chimpanzee. A large proportion of chimpanzee males are on the run their whole lives long, being chased by other chimpanzee males… and killed.

Male chimpanzees patrol the perimeter of their territory in large groups on a daily basis. They will think nothing about raiding a neighboring community, killing all males and infants. And killing is not always enough. Sometimes the victims are tortured before being killed.

But why do they kill each other? Studies have shown that they kill to gain access to females, territory and food resources. Does it sound familiar?

This murderous behavior is not restricted to the males only. Females were often observed to kill infants, and in rare cases to eat them. Observers witnessed an infanticide, where a bleeding mother with a one-week-old child, was pursued by six females, five of which had clinging infants themselves. After a 10-minute struggle, the infant was taken and killed with a bite. These infant killings are more prevalent when food is in short supply.

At first, this behavior was attributed to the interference of man, but countless studies by reputable researchers indicate that it is in their nature to kill off competition. When I compare their behavior with ours, their violent nature makes it easy to believe that we have a common ancestor somewhere in the distant past. Our primal instincts are still very close to the surface.

May you have a pleasant day!

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Jun 2015
in Opinionated
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40 comments
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Good News Is No News

They say ‘no news is good news’ but methinks it is the other way around. Maybe that is why good news does not sell newspapers. If our newspapers and TV bulletins were filled with good news, nobody would have bothered.

The only time when good news sells is when a celebrity gets married or has a child; and then it has to be a BIG celebrity. Nobody is interested if Jack Sprat’s wife gave birth to a baby boy but if she cuts off her hubby's ding-a-ling then everybody wants to know about it; and even more so if he’s willing to tell (or sell) his story.

We want to hear about scandals, conspiracies, air disasters, earthquakes, floods, war casualties, train smashes, and the likes of it. We’re not interested if Ol’ MacDonald treats his wife like a lady, but when he murders, her we want to read all about it. Lady Godiva can ride her horse until she has calluses on her butt and won’t make it into the news until she dies of exposure. Nobody would have known about Jack the Ripper if he handed out religious pamphlets to prostitutes.

It would seem that the bigger the disaster the better the news. We thrive on humiliation, death, maiming, mutilation, and other bad things, thus making it good news.

But if good news is no news, then papers won’t sell. Maybe it does not work the other way around.

Wishing you a grand Monday without any shades of blue.

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Jun 2015
in Opinionated
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Preserving Our Marine Life

We always hear of our shrinking fish reserves while fishermen complain about the ever decreasing fishing quotas, robbing them of a decent living and sending their children to bed with empty stomachs.

A recent survey proved that it is not man who is raping our marine resources. It was found that the larger predators like sharks, dolphins, and seals are to be blamed for the current state of affairs. Penguins also came under fire but they were excused on grounds that they only eat the smaller fish that is not worth catching in any way.

At a special session of the UN last night, it was decided to restrict the eating habits of large marine predators. The resolution rules that the said marine animals must, with immediate effect, eat one less fish every day. In addition they will be limited to only one jellyfish per week.

It was said if humans can get along with desert on Sundays only, so can fish. This will spare the lives of billions of fish every day and cut down on the obesity of some of our predators in the ocean.

To implement this new ruling the UN will work in close co-operation with Greenpeace, the Earth Liberation Front (ELF), the Sea Shepherd Conservation Society and the Coastguard. All large predators are to be weighed at least once a month to see if they shed some of their excess weight. Those not complying with the resolution will be thrown in the sea to be drowned.

Japan, Norway and Iceland offered to send their whalers to assist in the weighing process. Whale weigh stations perhaps?

When asked about it, a representative for the sharks said that they appreciate the problem and will gladly stop eating fish altogether if humans were prepared to remove the shark netting from all beaches worldwide.

May you enjoy the rest of your day.

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Jun 2015
in Opinionated
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18 comments
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Good New Is Good News

This morning I woke up with wonderful news in my inbox. I got an email from the International FIFA World Cup Online Lottery informing me that I have won a large sum of money.

The message read:
Subject:
FROM THE FIFA LOTTERY 2015
Message:
Attn beneficiary your won price of 15m has been isued and prepared for dispatch by the paying bank call your agent Tony Smith on O87 555 8888 immediately to avoid diqualifications.

I have changed the contact name and phone number just in case there is a rogue lurking here amongst us who may try to usurp my winnings. This is the first time in my life that I won something. Nobody is going to deprive me of it.

I’m going to get drunk for a week and then I will have a three-month pub crawl so I can decide what to do with my new riches. If you need funds for a good course, you’re welcome to apply. I will gladly oblige. No scammers please, I can smell you a mile off.

I’m a little surprised that an organization like FIFA can use such poor grammar and I would have expected them to use a spell checker. Do they have no pride in what they do? And why will they be using a Yahoo mail address? I always imagined that FIFA would have its own domain name.

But I’m not going to split hair. I have 15 million reasons to be happy. Hey! 15 million what? Euros, US$, Rand? I must phone again to ask the guy. I hope it is not Zim Dollars. Anyway, I’m off to the bank to send the R10,000 to facilitate the transfer of funds to my banking account.

I hope your day started as well as mine.

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Jun 2015
in Comedy
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16 comments
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Our Daily News.

I don’t know what the newspaper people think of when they compose their headlines. Some of them can be very funny. While some are probably designed to be funny, others really sound silly.

Is it that strange? I thought it was a normal thing.

Is that a crime?

Really? Now what did they expect to find?

So what now, confined to the streets?

Then how about a piece of funny news to conclude?
Somebody reported that a woman was standing on a porch yelling ‘help’ from a residence across the road. When the police arrived, they learned that the person was calling her cat named ‘Help’.

I command you to enjoy your day! It is an instruction.

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Jun 2015
in News
2,881 views
28 comments
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What A Train Smash

The rugby is over, my team lost and my friends have gone home. I’m too tired for another glass of wine but not tired enough for going to bed.

It was not a planned evening. Everybody just rocked up at more or less the same time with their cool boxes. Why do I smell a conspiracy? But it was a great evening. We (the men) packed a fire and parked in front of the TV to watch the first game. And what good rugby it was.

Their wives surprised us. Between the two games, we were treated on crispy barbequed muttonchops and salads. So good that we missed the first 30 minutes of the game we really wanted to see.

My supply of white wine took a good dent before they left but while we watched the remainder of the second game, the dear ladies cleaned my kitchen again. I wish I had the presence of mind to see if they wore their shoes. I don’t think any were pregnant. We’re too old for that.

And now they’re gone and I sit here alone and wonder if I should pour another glass of wine or go to bed. My empty bed does not sound very interesting at the moment, so I guess the glass of wine is going to win after all.

Bottoms up!

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Jun 2015
in Family
1,579 views
19 comments
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Proudly South-African

Yes, I am a typical South-African male and Afrikaans-speaking on top of it. The story that we like to keep our women barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen is utter nonsense and classifies under hate speech. It is an insult to both our men and our woman. No woman with any self respect will allow such abuse.

While I don’t deny that there are still men who think that way, they are a minority and in no ways restricted to South Africa. You will find them in the East, in Europe, the USA (where the saying was born), and everywhere else. Generally speaking, South Africans are rational, kind, hard working, hospitable, and deeply religious people who maintain high moral values. Yes, we made our mistakes but we mended our ways and we are trying hard to redress the injustices of the past. But as with all other countries, you do get the exceptions.

Don’t allow the hate speech of irrational and/or deranged individuals to cloud your vision of South African people. I’m proud of what I am and when somebody continuously try to belittle my nation, my ethnicity, my gender and/or my person, I’m bound to react rather unkindly. Those who constantly soil my blog with their caustic comments, without ever adding something positive, will testify to this.

Have a great weekend, will you?

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Jun 2015
in Opinionated
1,440 views
40 comments
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This is a list of Catfoot's Blogs. Click here for Catfoot's Blog List

Catfoot Blog (616)

A Death Threat.

Elephant Stew

Are Love And Happiness Mutually Inclusive?

50 Ways To Leave Your Lover

Baldness Explained.

Is It In Our Genes?

Good News Is No News

Preserving Our Marine Life

Good New Is Good News

Our Daily News.

What A Train Smash

Proudly South-African

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