I know it is still a long time before the next general election but there is a lot of work to be done. With a fair number of South Africans here, what better place to start my campaign? And maybe to gain some international support as well. I don’t have any experience in running a country but I was class captain in Grade 1. Surely, that must be a recommendation.
As we all know, election campaigns are based on empty promises and (here in Africa) one or two serious threats. Something like:
If we lose the election, it is back to the struggle. Unlike promises, threats have to be real.
All I can threaten is to have my backside sewn up and then to eat enough bean stew. I will start farting and with no vent, I will blow up like a balloon until I burst, causing the biggest shit storm this country has ever seen. Mind you, with all the shit stories coming from our current politicians, it will cause no more than a storm in a teacup. But it will have to do.
I don’t have to make empty promises like
a new stove, fridge, or 6 million new job opportunities. I have a few plans to make it work. We’ll start by restructuring government service. A survey in the not so distant past revealed that 90 percent of our forces in uniform are unfit for their duties. Those who were not HIV positive, were over weight or on chronic medication. Disband the defense force and hand them over to social services to be cared for. One portfolio closed and one minister fired. What a massive tax saving!
Ditto for the police. They are ineffectual and forever out of transportation. Some police officers are so obese that they cannot get into a vehicle. How do they expect to chase criminals? Social Services can look after them too. Naturally, the courts-of-law must follow. There will be no work for them. All legal staff will be phased out on early pension. Their job can be done equally well by our our kangaroo courts. This is Africa. Jungle justice will prevail. And another minister bites the dust.
Then local government must go. They deliver very little (if any) municipal services and nobody will notice it if they are not there anymore. Give them their salary and let them stay at home. In that way, they will not need official transportation to sit at home all day. The traffic police too can sit under trees in their own backyards.
Of course, such reform makes it possible to streamline education. The abolishment of grades 6, 8 & 10 will jettison pupils into the labor market three year earlier than before. A saving of 25% on school fees to the parents. Besides, with the closure of the earlier mentioned structures, there will be no employment for people leaving school after passing grade 8 or 10. As an added bonus, it will push up our unemployment figure. We do want it higher, don’t we? It will assure a lot of foreign aid in no time.
Tax cuts? No, not likely. You must understand that this is Africa. Over and above the colossal salary that I will award to myself, there will have to be enough money to pilfer after the people I appoint as ministers.
With the fifty or so votes from friends and family, I only need to recruit another 20 million votes to be safe. A tough task but then I did not expect it to be easy otherwise every second a**hole would have been president… not only the complete a**hole, as is the case now.
Enjoy the new week. It should be fun.
Catfoot Blog (616)
