Catfoot Blog

Smelling A Rat?

One of our local universities has conclusively proved that rats actually hear with their feet. In a multimillion Dollar research project that lasted for 5 years, they have trained hundreds of rats to jump when told to do so. When the rats’ feet were surgically removed, they no longer jumped when instructed to do so. From that they deducted that the rats no longer jumped, because they could not hear the command.

According to the team’s spokesman they are now busy raising money to establish the purpose of the two protrusions on the side of a rat’s head. He added that it is sorry that their previous sponsor had withdrawn from the project just as they had their first breakthrough.

When asked about it he said that the rats were treated very humanely and if the money could be found, these feetless rats will be provided with artificial limbs and will be taught sign language to compensate for their deafness.

He also said that private donations will be very welcome as these rats must be rehabilitated as soon as possible, so not to interrupt their prolific breeding cycle which may have an adverse effect the cat population.

Have a great day!

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Oct 2013
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In The Pound Seats Again!

I received the following good news in my mailbox this morning. I am ecstatic with the wonderful news.

My dearest.
I'm happy to inform you about my success in getting the fund transferred to a Swiss Account with the cooperation of a new partner from Spain who is an international businessman. Presently I'm in Spain for investment projects with my own share of the total sum. Meanwhile, I did not forget your past efforts and attempts to assist me in transferring those funds despite that it failed us some how. Now contact Rev.Micheal at Rev.michealphilip555@live.com. Ask him to send you the total Cheque of $50,000 that I kept for your compensation for all the past efforts and attempt to assist me in this matter. I appreciated your efforts at that time very much.
With best love
Success Kones.

Eishh, this comes at such a good time.

Such a lot of things I can do with the bread, but now I wonder… She never mentioned what kind of dollars it is.

If it is Zim dollars it does not even buy a loaf of bread.

And I’m very envious of this mysterious Spanish partner who (about a year ago) beat me in my quest to obtain half of the $6,500,000 this poor refugee girl had inherited from her late father.

After all, $50,000 is peanuts compared to $3,250,000. I wonder if any of our Spanish correspondents can cast any light on the issue.

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Oct 2013
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A Fine Predicament

My father will be celebrating his 86th birthday on the 29th of this month. Since five years ago he is the oldest living member of our family and this is the event of the year in our family.

So what is the problem then?

Every year round about this time I walk around aimlessly, trying to figure out a suitable gift. What do you give a man who already has everything that he wants?

I can remember when I was a student, I crippled myself financially for three months to buy him a genuine leather steering wheel cover that he never used. While he was in hospital earlier this year I had to fetch something for him in his house and I stumbled across that very same steering wheel cover; still unopened in the original packing.

He’s got large a trunk with an almighty padlock in his bedroom and nobody knows what he keeps in there. He is not the type of man to hoard gold bars in a trunk; it will be converted to cash and put it to work. What if that trunk is filled with all the useless gifts I gave him through the years?

Then it will all come back to me when he dies. What on earth am I going to do with all that junk?

Maybe I should buy him something I can use later.

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Oct 2013
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The Frog And The Scorpion

Is it not strange how our nature can dictate our actions, sometimes even against our better judgement. As they say here in Africa: “A leopard can change his colour, but not his spots.”

It is said that a scorpion wanted to cross a river and asked a frog to ferry him across.

“No,” said the frog while keeping a safe distance, “You will sting me and I will die.”

The scorpion kept on begging the frog, promising that he would not sting him and eventually the frog gave in and allowed the scorpion to get on his back. He swam across the full river and as he reached the other side the scorpion stuck his sting firmly into the frog’s back the moment he realised that they were on dry ground again.

“Why did you do that?” gasped the dieing frog. “I was helping you.”

“Yes, I know,” said the scorpion, “but that is my nature.”

You cannot change your nature, especially not for the sake of somebody else. Oh, you can only hide it, but only for a while. So if you meet somebody, don’t try to change the person. People cannot change; not for long in any way.

It is for you to decide if you can live with it or not. If you cannot, let it go; it is not for you.

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Oct 2013
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The Injustice Of Prejudice

Somebody I did not like at all died last night, but it left me devastated. She was the wife of a good friend and neighbour. I have never liked her for reasons I will not elaborate on now.

Six months ago she started losing weight and a month later she announced that she was suffering from kidney failure. Another month later it became TB and another month later it became emphysema.

About a week before I went on holiday her legs collapsed under her and pains got worse. From then onwards one of her daughters came to wash her each day.

I went on holiday for two months and when I returned last week, I was surprised to find that she was still unable to walk, demanding constant attention; still complaining about the pain in the lower body. By then all the neighbours believed that she was simply looking for attention and the thought lingered in the back of my mind too.

She turned 55 yesterday and during the early evening, as a good neighbour and friend of her husband, I popped in to wish her for her birthday. She was sitting upright in bed smoking and drinking a beer; in high spirits. For the umpteenth time I noticed how her behaviour and symptoms are so out of line with the three people I knew who died of Emphysema. I was starting to think like the neighbours too.

This morning early my friend called me, sounding very distressed. I went around to him to learn that his Lily had died during the night.

There we stood, looking at each other wordlessly. He,

broken with grief and I, incapable of words. With a heavy conscience for wanting to believe that Lily was just looking for attention.

And I still don’t know exactly what she died of. Perhaps my friend will share that knowledge with me after the post mortem.

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Oct 2013
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The Scars Of Life

Our souls are very much like motorcars. As we continue our journey through life we pick up scratches and dents. We develop bearing knocks and hums in the diff. Yes, our gears start scratching and our clutches begin to shudder.

But a car can be serviced and repaired; panel-beated and re-sprayed. With our souls it is a bit more complicated. The Americans probably cope best with it by seeing a “shrink”. Here in my country, you are viewed with suspicion if you should dare to take such a step.

Here you simply obey or ignore those little voices

, but talk about it – never.

Nevertheless, counselling does not remove the problem; it merely helps you to cope with it. Sometimes these scars stem from our childhood. I have such a hang-up too.

My mother, as much as I loved her, was a nagger. She would nag from the time she got up until going to bed.

I had to tolerate it then, but as I grew up and flew the nest, I found that I could no longer endure a constant nagging. After all, I did not have to any more. How my father managed to cope can only be admired.

The quickest and surest way for a woman to get rid of me is to start nagging and yet, it would appear that I’m attracted by such women. Missing my mother?

The result is that I cannot maintain a relationship. I never have too many problems in getting a girlfriend, but the best I could do was my two marriages which lasted 5 and 6 years respectively. Other than that I have only a handful of relationships lasting longer than 2 years. When the nagging comes in by the front door, I leave by the back door.

But then, just maybe I become such a bore after a while that the ladies start nagging on purpose to get rid of me!

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Oct 2013
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Politics Defined

It is important to your survival to understand the political model of the country you live in. Knowing how your government functions can greatly help you to adapt to circumstances. Here below I have summarised the way I see politics in simple layman’s terms.

Anarchy:
You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbours will kill you and take the cows.

Military Dictatorship:
You have two cows. The state takes both of them and shoots you.

Bureaucracy:
You have two cows. The state takes both of them and accidentally kills one. The milk goes bad before it can be distributed.

Socialism:
You have two cows. The state takes one and gives it to someone else.

Fascism:
You have two cows. The state takes both of them and sells you the milk. The cream is declared the property of the state and rots in the warehouses.

Communism:
You have two cows. The state takes both of them and gives you the milk after the cream was siphoned off and distributed amongst the politburo.

Capitalism:
You have two cows. You borrow money to buy a bull. The State takes half the calves in the form of taxation.

Pure Democracy:
You have two cows. Your neighbours decide what happens to the milk.

Representative Democracy:
You have two cows. Your neighbours pick someone to decide what happens to the milk.

African Democracy:
(This is the political model of the country I live in)
You have two cows. The state takes both of them in the form of taxation. One disappears en route. The cream is siphoned off by corrupt officials and the milk is stolen before it can be converted to cash. A public inquiry can find no irregularities.

American Democracy:
The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair as "The Cowgate Scandal".

You do not need to thank me for this valuable advice. I do it in the interest of a better informed way of living.

Please don't blame me if you cannot find your country's political model here. I cannot help it if the little voices only talk to me.

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Oct 2013
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A Special Gift… Or Is It A Curse.

Ever since I was a child I had the unfailing ability to annoy and irritate the hell out of some people; and the worst of it is that I enjoy it. As with all other things that I enjoy, I practice it well and through the years I had honed it into a fine art.

When people use resources and dedicate blogs to me in revenge, so much sweeter it becomes for it only underlines how effective I am. As they say in show business: There is no such thing as bad publicity. The worse it is, the more people will get to know about it and thus the better the exposure.

And being the vain bastard that I am… Ah shut up, Catfoot! That is enough of that for now.

Oh me, oh my! My dear friend Simmo, you cannot just shift your responsibilities down onto me. I do not merit such honour and do not have the expertness or the experience for such an honoured position. The only experience I have in any sort of a leader’s position was when I was class captain in grade 1 and I have a notion it was only to stop me from crying for my mother.

But while we are at the topic of humus excreti, we also have these surfboard riding fossils in my country, but luckily - due to a lack of decent waves - they are in the minority.

Anyway, as per usual, I’m talking too much again. So to all you fellow trolls and mobsters out there - look around, stay alert and remember to take your little pink pills. Those leprechauns are lurking everywhere; just waiting to strike.

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Oct 2013
in Opinionated
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Happiness is a full mailbox

What a surprise I got tonight with a loaded mailbox when I logged on for he first time in a long while. I will reply to each of you during the course of the next few days.

Thanks for your concern. No, my friends, I'm in good health and have just returned yesterday from a glorious hunting holiday on a friend's farm in one of the most remote places in this country - No cell coverage and no internet. Had to travel 180 km there and back to download my email now and again.

But it is great to be back home again.

So stay loose and take care!

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Oct 2013
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Do You Want To Be A Prince?

No need anymore for your father to be a king. Simply marry a princess. Now, with the royals not marrying royals any more, there are countless opportunities. There are still more than 40 monarchies worldwide with countless princesses. Here are 9 unmarried princesses. And believe me, there are more.

Top – left to right
Princess Madeleine of Sweden
Princess Iman bint Al-Hussein
Princess Beatrice of York

Middle – left to right
Princess Charlotte of Hanover
Princess Sonam of Bhutan
Princess Eugenie of York

Middle – left to right
Princess Sikhanyiso of Swaziland
Princess Sirivannavari of Thailand
Princess Theodora of Greece and Denmark

So make your pick, but confirm it with her first. Times are changing fast and some of them may be married by now. Do hurry.

Of course there is another way to become a prince, but then you need to be a frog.

Stay loose, it is Thursday

More about them

http://www.connectingsingles.com/top-10-list-644-fancy-yourself-being-a-prince.htm

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Jun 2013
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Playing Ball.

Last week I purchased three items I thought I’d never own, but right now they are probably the most important things I had ever possessed; a soccer ball, a tennis racquet and a tennis ball.

I have never played soccer or tennis in my life. I played rugby and cricket.

My neighbour next door thinks I’m crazy for spoiling my garage wall like this. The paint job is ruined for I’ve been kicking and hitting balls at it whenever the rain had stopped for a while. I missed the soccer ball a few times in the beginning and I dropped the racquet even more times, but the results had been remarkable. I can hold a pencil again!

Once I missed the soccer ball so badly that I lost my balance and ended up on my butt;

luckily nobody saw that. At another occasion the tennis racquet almost went though the garage window, but what the hell.

Success came when I started concentrating on returning the bouncing ball to the wall instead of thinking about holding the racquet. I think the subconscious action clinched it. In five days the tennis racquet did more than what the rubber ball - and seven sessions of very expensive therapy - did in three weeks.

Once I’m done I will paint the wall back to its original colour. Working with a paint roller will also be a new experience to me; for painting a wall is something else I had never done before.

Yesterday I started sawing wood and driving nails into wood. I got a blue thumbnail -

!@*&%$!

- for my trouble, but I’m getting there.

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Jun 2013
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Baldness And Grey Hair

The Lord made a limited number of perfect scalps. The rest He covered with hair. Somebody asked me yesterday if I’m bald. No, I fear I do not have a perfect scalp… yet.

I have a smallish bald patch on top and I have lost some hair in front, but this is only visible in winter - like now – when I grow my hair. In summer I keep my hair short.

Some men go bald on top first and then it spreads to the front. Others go bald in front first then it spreads to the top. A third group – like me – start both at more or less the same time and they work their way together across the top.

So what is the relevance?

Men who are bald in front think a lot while men who are bald on top know a lot.

So what if a man is bald in front and on top? Like me!

He thinks he knows a lot!

But while we are at the general topic of hair, why is it that my beard is greyer than my hair? It should not be so. After all, my hair is 18 years older than my beard.

So today is Tuesday. Vasbyt! We're getting there.

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Jun 2013
in Comedy
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This is a list of Catfoot's Blogs. Click here for Catfoot's Blog List

Catfoot Blog (616)

Smelling A Rat?

In The Pound Seats Again!

A Fine Predicament

The Frog And The Scorpion

The Injustice Of Prejudice

The Scars Of Life

Politics Defined

A Special Gift… Or Is It A Curse.

Happiness is a full mailbox

Do You Want To Be A Prince?

Playing Ball.

Baldness And Grey Hair

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