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Would you buy me a coffee?

This is a research question. Would you buy me a coffee for a couple of hours of conversation, with me doing all the talking? batting I say conversation - one-sided gossip, really. You could end the conversation after 10 minutes, or stay the distance. Your choice. I’d be wherever you chose, no travel involved on your part.

coffee blah blah blah

Blog edited, and now switched to a discussion of coffee generally rolling on the floor laughing

I want to launch a new book at less than the price of a cup of Starbucks coffee and wondered if I could use that as a pitch. Prolly not ...


In 2014 a Starbucks Tall Brewed Coffee would have cost $2 in the States, £1.15 in the UK, 410 yen in Japan, 27.50 Hong Kong dollars, 10 Chinese renminbi. Probably hasn’t changed much since 2014. I couldn’t find the price in South Africa, would I be right in thinking around R20 for a refillable cup?

coffee blah blah blah

I absolutely love that CS is so reactive. You guys ROCK.

popcorn
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Just call me Fred

Hello it’s me and I know, you don’t usually see me this time of day.

Usually? Ever. I’m awake an hour earlier than usual because my good buddy / LDR called me at sparrows to see whether we’re still on for Portugal or whether I had eloped.

Comedians at break of day, oh yes please.

Thing is, I dearly love having male buddies but right now I’m rich beyond the dreams of avarice with male buddies. I’m talking to four through the joys of social media, between texts, whatsapps, skype, emails and good ol’ CS. One is now mainly lunchtimes - since I re-wrote his dating profile he’s getting out a lot more in the evenings. I get to hear about every date. In detail. One is early evening, one is middle evening, one is late evening. I’m like Crazy, but without the sex! because every single one of them thinks of me as good ol’ Fred and tells me about this lovely female, or that not-so-lovely-but-keen female, or just general stuff. Elope? To be laughing.

My romantic interest is mainly phone calls and long chatty emails. Occasional phone calls and emails. Tell you what. The day he calls to say there’s this female who has said something and what does it mean, is she interested, I will rip his head off, shove gravel down his throat, start taking male hormones, grow a beard and become good ol’ Fred because that’s obviously who I was born to be.

Good ol’ Fred. Sheesh.

If anyone can tell me how to turn back into a female, that would probably be handy. Especially for Portugal.
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Indie publishing - a fact or two

Indie publishing
1) Write your book
2) Put it aside for a month.
3) Read it, self-edit, and if you think it is now ready, send it to a couple of trusted readers (alpha readers) for feedback
4) Re-write it sigh
5) Send it to test (beta) readers – a dozen is a nice round figure, male, female, different ages, different countries
6) Commission a cover from a professional cover artist who will have fonts and pics to which they own the copyright. This is important!
7) The beta reader feedback will show you where you haven’t made your point clear, or have been misleading. Rewrite.
8) Send the book to a professional independent editor. It will cost – but without editing, the best story will lose readers because the flood of little errors annoys and distracts them.
9) Publish.

Indie publishing isn’t policed in any way, which drives serious writers nuts. You can write anything you like today and put it on line tonight and order your friends to buy it. The average book sells 35 copies. Most sell two or three, especially of second books when the writer has run out of friends! Poorly written books with no editing and no input, often offered for free, have damaged the indie reputation - a lot of readers say they would never look at an indie book again. Every now and then an indie book has phenomenal success - 50 Shades is a fairly recent example – and sells in millions, but even those who bought it to be titillated sneer that the writing is appalling and it just proves all indie books are bad.

Being able to publish a book on-line at no cost created a tsunami – ten million and more books, many of which should never have seen the light of day, have hit the market and sent it reeling. There are still hundreds of books published every day, there are writing challenges like NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) to write fifty thousand words in less than a month (never mind the quality, feel the width) which launch hundreds of thousands more books in time for the Christmas ‘rush’.

The publishing houses hate it – obviously – and campaign all the time against it, especially because an increasing number of their best-selling authors are choosing to go indie. Why? Because publishers pay writers tiny percentages, pour most of their advertising and promoting into their top writers, and have total ownership of the books. If you are conventionally published you have little or no say over the cover, the editing, the marketing, and any opportunities that come up. Any advances paid are, usually, small, and when your books are returned unsold by bookshops, you have to repay royalties. Ouch.

Serious indie writers join associations like ALLi and work together. Publishing your own book is in no way a licence to print money (unless you write a 50 Shades) and for some who put out good stuff it still only brings in a couple of hundred pounds a month extra income. The more serious you are, the better you are at marketing and promoting, and the more books you have out there, the better you will do. Many of the writers in ALLi, however, are comfortably self-employed earning a couple of thousand pounds a month, employing assistants for research and formatting so they can concentrate on writing and marketing, and churning out a highly professional product. I’ll get there laugh
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First impression, please?

What do you think this book is about? It isn't published yet, this is the cover reveal, and if I knew what you saw, or failed to see, I would know how to word the tweets and posts needed to fill in the gaps.

The cover won't be changing although if you have really strong opinions they'll be taken on board for when it IS revamped.

A couple of people do know what it is about, because they were test readers hug but no spoilers, okay? I'd still appreciate your comment.

A couple will mock, I expect that, a cheerful one finger salute to you grin but if your mockery is valid, ouch, but thank you.


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After first comment, oops, I should have said, it is fiction

WHOA okay I am putting in a few spoilers after all in the comments. Right now, though, saying the rainbow is not bisexuality. Comments below but if you want to comment before you read them, that's cool. And useful.
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How many April Fools have we got?

I joined the site two years ago, I can't remember the exact date but definitely around now. For sure within a week or two I got into a very exciting on-line flirtation with a man who could talk for Ireland, mmm, and that date I do remember, 14 April. He sent me CS flowers last year, will he still remember? daydream

Anyway, I decided April 1 is my CS anniversary. Spring is the time for new beginnings, after all. (And okay, you down south, you started thinking you need someone to keep you warm in the winter, right?)

Hands up if you're an April Fool For Love cheering and what this year should bring for you ...
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It's a kind of magic ..

My car opens when I walk up to it. So long as my keys are in my pocket or my bag, I don't actually need them. I sometimes walk up to my front door and expect that to open for me too. That will be routine, soon enough. Would you consider having your 'keys' built in, so you never need to worry about them again? Your phone, so you could press a button under the skin on your wrist and talk into your fist, or even out loud as though the person you were talking to was standing next to you?

Many public toilets now flush when you stand up - built-in sensors. The taps in the basins come on when you wave your hands under them, and the drier roars to life when you put your hands in or under them. Some households could find that really handy. A full-size drier, no more damp towels draped over the door? Hmm.

What handy inventions are on the drawing board, or even already out there, that you could imagine bringing into your own home?

I'll be popping back and forth, play along if you can think of something.


teddybear


Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. At this rate we will have, in a matter of decades, a large elderly population with perky boobs, huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
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Spring at last

The spring equinox was on the 20th, our clocks sprang forward today and the sun is shining. Spring has sprung, the grass is riz, I wonder where the birdies is?

This always feels far more the start of the year to me than the first of January. So what am I going to do with this year?

Resolutions:

1) spend more time in real life than on CS.
2) grow up
3) (insert resolution here)

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And for those who celebrate it - happy Easter easter bonnet

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You can leave your hat on:

Yes yes you expect the video, post it yourself. Whichever version I chose, the blog would turn into an argument over which version was better, and this is in fact an important social documentary. The importance of hats.

It is important that the hat is not so ugly people will wince and look away. Ideally, it should make people laugh. It doesn't need to be expensive. I bought mine for a quid one very cold day in a charity shop, and cheered up an entire small town. It has also amused CS ever since, and made me easy to recognize whenever I had to meet strangers.

You are going to wear it everywhere, so make sure it is comfortable and washable. Ideally have one that can twist into slightly different shapes. My Goofy hat ticked all other boxes but was always Goofy. My current hat is far more versatile.

Why a hat, you ask? The right hat keeps the sun out of your eyes in summer, and the rain off your head the rest of the time. Pulled down over your eyes when you are travelling, it creates a private bedroom where you can sleep. In windy weather, you can tuck your hair into it.

As for men, a man in his hat, like a man in his kilt, presents an entirely different appearance.

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Most importantly, an eccentric hat gives you confidence. professor

I shall allow comments on this important lesson, feel free to post photos and hat-related experiences. By all means photoshop potential hats you think would suit you, to get feedback. tip hat
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Waiting to hear from the dog-sitter

Trouble with taking in a rescue dog, especially a neurotic older rescue dog, is that she hates kennels. She thinks she's been dumped again, she goes into a decline, she loses weight and fur, and for 3 days after I come home she leaps to her feet every time I move, won't let me out of her sight, and does the whole Camille bit when I go to work - paw to her forehead, sagging limply against the wall -

Drama queen of note. Don't know where she gets it from. I blame the French bulldog side of her breeding. The other half is English bulldog, which means she looks French but twice the size - weighs 40 lbs and has a chest like an all-in wrestler.

So no more kennels. I have a dog-sitter who comes to the house instead. Well, I have a few in my little black book. People don't queue up to take care of a sweet little dog with unexpected steel jaws who has been known to bite first and ask questions afterwards when they enter the house. I've sent texts to them all and am waiting patiently for replies. So far one has a wedding (not her own, but she still doesn't want to cancel, I asked) one would have LOVED to but is painting her nails all next weekend, and one said no, that I had a cheek asking, and talking of cheek, the spot still hurts in cold weather and had I noticed how cold it has been lately?

Still waiting to hear from my dog's personal favourite, a strapping young lass with a crewcut, booming voice and tattoos. My dog adores her, and is adored in turn. Well, who wouldn't love that face?

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Leap year, baby! part 2

I was going to help all the ladies with a proposal in form but am really annoyed to find that neither my Debretts nor my Enquire Within offers any template at all.

In fact the Enquire Within jumps straight from Balls & Evening Dress - where the last instruction is "An introduction to a lady at a ball does not entitle the gentleman to bow to her on a future occasion, unless she first recognises him" to Marriage Arrangements. I appreciate the book dates back to a more modest time (1899) but good grief.

So here we go, guv.

It would, er, make me the happiest woman on Earth, er, if you would, you know, *loosens collar* eh what? blushing

This is harder than I thought it would be. It's leap year, okay? Want me to spell it out? Sheesh. Fill in the gaps.

teddybear

Phew. But I couldn't have you getting through leap year without at least one.















There you go, girls. Or you could make up your own, of course. rolling on the floor laughing
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Sneazles

Sudden rush of colds and flu and even - gasp - manflu around at the moment. So how do you cheer yourself up when your head feels like someone has poured concrete through your ears, your nose has been blown so often it is sore to the touch, everything tastes like mud, and you ache from head to foot? I've been sneezed on from all directions at work today. I've seen the future, and it isn't pretty. help

EDITED COMMENT. I'M NOT SICK - YET. THE WHOLE WORLD AROUND ME IS SICK AND BREATHING GERMS OVER ME. I WANT TO BE READY FOR IT. And now I will stop shouting. grin

So. How do you handle this thing if it happens?

Take to your bed and call croakingly for a cup of tea before you remember, damnit, you're single. (Lucky you with those who will bring a cup of tea!)

Hot bath, hot toddy, and a pile of blankets?

A bottle of brandy? Hic

Chocolate?

I'm of the chocolate persuasion myself but I just wondered if anyone had good ideas.

Oh, and I'm told if you blow your nose every time you sneeze you will never have a cold. If you leave a peeled onion next to the bed, your cold will be gone by morning. Or smear Vicks on your feet and put on heavy wool socks to kill a cough stone dead.

So if you don't have a way to feel better, maybe you have a guaranteed cure ...
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The joys of living alone

Okay going to probably need a bit of help here, listing those joys.

However I just ate a garlic and herb flatbread and that is definitely one of them! devil

Having a long bubble bath and using ALL the hot water.boogie

Going to bed at 02h00 if I want to on the weekend, and getting up when I feel like it. dancing

Didn't feel like getting pretty today. So what? rollers

Breakfast was at 11h00. Garlic bread now. Time for shortbread idea

Occasionally, total self-indulgent weekend meltdown IS a joy. applause

What have I forgotten? Or not yet tried? rolling on the floor laughing
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