.... goodbye my friend. You have been the one for me.
One of the bloggers here, commented about dreaming live and dead people, and his experience, kinda reminded me of this diary entry from several years ago, and then I realised, this December it's all happening again. How creepy a coincidence can be! So here it is:
I am going insane. I must really be going insane... The visions in my dreams are becoming clearer with every week passing. The feelings I have, cannot be described in words. The idea, whether it is true or not true, is absolutely gorgeous....I even woke up crying a few times. Think what you will, but I, me, instead of writing/talking about sex, or cool cars or work, instead of talking about depression, instead of talking about any number of topics that are repeated every f*cking day...I am going for the impossible. Through the majestic beauty of being lost in the middle of nowhere, I am SUBLIMINALLY sending out signals to anyone, hoping that someone/something would pick up on the concept I have, and answer this messenger's cry for help.
Should I buy a radio at the Clas Ohlson down the Nacka Forum?
Well, to me it makes some sense. I dunno, to me, this idea is the greatest idea in the history of love/friendship. Don't judge it, suspend judgement, and just think about how I felt at that moment. Try to feel it, go back to the message I wrote and read it over...DO IT NOW!
Yeah man, I mean, I have to come back, mostly not specifically because of the last trip to XXXXX, but because the first trip to XXXXX. Because I was lost. I was lost AND found. My life started over on that day I lost the BSÍ flybus in XXXXX, because I hated that cold, dark and lost place so much, but I made up my mind to do it, and here I am; coming back. Because when I got there I felt a calling, I felt like my life was going to be good, and I felt the f*cking Earth move under me when I felt the stunning presence of the spirit. For the first time I had faith, and it got me high, REAL HIGH. I was tripping balls dude, hard already. Let's just say I went up, and I haven't come down. So I guess you could say, what goes up doesn't necessarily have to come down once you have faith, true faith, and love.
So yeah, it'll take a few months, and I'll be back, this time for good, forever; because I won't fight its will anymore. It wants me back forever, and I need to keep searching for that thing forever, so it's a good deal.
Hopefully the bad dreams will stop when I come back. All those moments from my past, from the last years. Those moments were the scariest occurrences of my life. I would wake up pressed against my bed. My eyes would be open, but I couldn't move at all. I was paralysed and it took all the strength I had just to lift my arms and break free. I could wake up, be pinned and be looking at the clock. I thought I was being possessed by demons. I would pray like crazy asking Jesus to help me make the demons go away.
I still remember the marks of the sheet wrinkles printed all over my chest.
Oh Lord I guess I'll never know.
PS: Error: please correct the following in the form below:
[Blog Detail] must contain at least 50 characters, you entered 39
In response to: I am looking for a good man to meet and be friend. Hopefully lead to a serious relationship.
Honestly, I read your profile but not all coz its too long to read. What I want is get to know you personally.
So, I woke up, look at my garden and see this:
Snow in
June July! Of course, living on the opposite side of the planet this is normal. Oh well, I've been stuck in my home since last saturday because we had the yearly super duper snow that makes the whole place frozen for weeks, with -10ºC temps and lower.
So I was thinking I should get back to blogging, or something else.
PS: Yes, we have Xmas in summertime!
(this was a gift frome a friend btw, I know who this is, I just felt very... identified).
I am a sick man. ... I am a spiteful man. I am an unattractive man. I believe my liver is diseased. However, I know nothing at all about my disease, and do not know for certain what ails me. I don't consult a doctor for it, and never have, though I have a respect for medicine and doctors. Besides, I am extremely superstitious, sufficiently so to respect medicine, anyway (I am well-educated enough not to be superstitious, but I am superstitious). No, I refuse to consult a doctor from spite. That you probably will not understand. Well, I understand it, though. Of course, I can't explain who it is precisely that I am mortifying in this case by my spite: I am perfectly well aware that I cannot "pay out" the doctors by not consulting them; I know better than anyone that by all this I am only injuring myself and no one else. But still, if I don't consult a doctor it is from spite. My liver is bad, well--let it get worse!
I have been going on like that for a long time--twenty years. Now I am forty. I used to be in the government service, but am no longer. I was a spiteful official. I was rude and took pleasure in being so. I did not take bribes, you see, so I was bound to find a recompense in that, at least. (A poor jest, but I will not scratch it out. I wrote it thinking it would sound very witty; but now that I have seen myself that I only wanted to show off in a despicable way, I will not scratch it out on purpose!)
When petitioners used to come for information to the table at which I sat, I used to grind my teeth at them, and felt intense enjoyment when I succeeded in making anybody unhappy. I almost did succeed. For the most part they were all timid people--of course, they were petitioners. But of the uppish ones there was one officer in particular I could not endure. He simply would not be humble, and clanked his sword in a disgusting way. I carried on a feud with him for eighteen months over that sword. At last I got the better of him. He left off clanking it. That happened in my youth, though.
I'm cooking pasta.
Fjuck Yeah.
Also [Blog Detail] must contain at least 50 characters, I entered 33. FML.
"You would like to find a nice girl, okay, but reading you on the blogs and your profile tells me you will have a difficult time
The blogs and forums are great to see how people interact with others, it tells you a lot about that person.
I see you are judgemental, sarcastic, not contributing anything positive.
I believe you could use a bit of character adjustment.
Now I am just an old lady but take it from someone who has been around a bit
I mean what I said here as being helpful, we often don't see ourselves as others do
Take it for what it is worse or .................?"
Quisiera poder teletransportarme de la oficina directo a casa. No fui criado para habitar con las palomas. Ni para soportar los boludos con complejos de inferioridad que pintan un segundo de mi existir con un ruido muy fuerte y motorizado. Qué pelotudos de mierda.
A veces todo movimiento frente a mis ojos se vuelve algo hostil e inaguantable. Pero yo digo ahora eh, en el bondi vuelta a casa, ver la repetición de rayas en el asfalto hace algún cortocircuito en mi cabeza y me siento mal. Es como si necesitase estar colgado de algo inmóvil. Como si necesitase una crucifixión de mis sentidos.
Mis sentidos deben ser crucificados a veces, para salvaguardar mi bienestar.
Being watchful over sheep.
Yeah you're being watchful over sheep, aren't you? Of course you are, you bloody bastard, that's what you're supposed to do. You are watchful over sheep as though I was not a liberation to the relationship between them and the land. If you knew me, if you knew my intentions, you would deliver your sheep to me.
Porque los corderos que yo acecho, se entregan solitos a su liberación ;)
And no, I am not the wolf. I am far from being the wolf.
Until I am ;D
There are several stories about me becoming the wolf, and I don't know what's all the fuss about, since me becoming the wolf has been described as, well...
AND THEN EVERYBODY GOES "omg why? why you became the wolf and why do you howl and scream and bite, and lick, and then bite some more and lick, running your tongue all over, being a wolf??
" . Cos that what wolves do" , I say.
I am a wolf. I said I wasn't, but now I am. And the pigeons, the pigeons I was talking about in the begining, I don't like them, cos, see, us wolves we don't like pigeons, and we don't like cities. Wolves dislike Buenos Aires, they belong to wherever is colder, to wherever is darker. I am a wolf and I show my teeth to the people riding this bus. That's what wolves do.
I am a wolf and I smell the fish around and think of delicious crime. I am cheeky and shameless, and I know many fun things ;)
Argentina is a country for wolves. Argentina is not a country for wolves. Do you know of any other country for wolves?
Look at him crying. And look at the other one being violent. Look at me being peaceful.
It got dark. It always gets dark. What's the f*cking point in it? It just, got, f*cking, dark. And this place, is completely different at night, as it is at day. Which brings me to the conclusion that I must look for answers.
BUT BEWARE, I HAVE BEEN RECEIVING ANSWERS FROM SOMEONE. And if we're able to pull this up, it will be a success!
I have decided it's time to re-invent myself.
Again I have the urge to look at everyone and connect, but I am not of their kind today. Over 40 people in the bus, and no one I can connect to.
I am the black sheep. I am the wolf. Black sheep, wolf. I am wearing a black shirt today, I am the black sheep. I am bad, but I am better.
This wolf is getting back home. I didn't get my day off tomorrow, grrr! *wolf growl* but I get monday and tuesday off!
A storm in Heaven.
I can't believe I'm still alive as I watch the giants passing by so close to me. But of course I always smile gently at the bus driver as I greet him and ask for my ticket.
I pull my sight away from that other bloke, so I won't be misunderstood. I am never mistaken by chance, even though it has happened before.
But yeah, it's dirty. My thought in Friday is purely f*cking dirty. And as I smell scents from my childhood I am for some reason taken to my time in Sweden. I remember having found this scent, this perfume somewhere in Sweden. This time it's not Iceland. No sir.
And as I remember this I recall what I have noticed lately at work, that all my coworkers around me age are getting married. I certainly consider myself too young for marriage, since I am younger than my age,but, for some reason it bothered me a lil bit. For sure I am confused now, and this will be a confused weekend. But confusion means fun to me, so I pray the Universe for enlightment. But those visions, they have to be made true, at all cost. This smell I'm tasting is almost bringing me to my knees. I need to fall on my knees and bow to the universe and love. And as an ambulance passes by, the urgency of my heart has to be complied with as well. I WILL NO LONGER STARE AT THESE BUILDINGS THE SAME WAY. Universe, love, me, her. It's all a huge ball of energy. Positive energy.
I pull my sight away from him one more time. He looks at me as if he knows what I'm speaking. And the smell. PARA MIS AMIGOS, ES EL OLOR A TABLETAS FUYÍ,EL QUE ME TRANSPORTA, ¿CUÁN LOCO ES ESO? Dudo que alguien en el bondi tenga tabletas Fuyí.
Back and forth, back & forth. The sensation of my position in the time line goes back and forth. I WONDER HOW BORING IT IS TO LIVE ONLY THE PRESENT TIME, NO PAST, NO FUTURE. Now I am put right next to him, as he casts looks no longer to me, therefore no pulling me eyes from him is performed. We shall part and say goodbye. Dock Sud has just swallowed him into a different world of the unknown, what I do not know.
Why do I keep hearing this girl calling my name? "Mariano... ¡Mariano!" But I just hear the sound of her voice, not can I see her.
What was the name of that place with the people dancing? THAT PLACE, WITH THE COUPLE DANCING, AND THE LIGHTS. Right in Avellaneda, that reminded me of Reykjavik.
Back & forth, the breaking and accelerating of the bus can be compared to my motion through time. And my motion through time can only be determined by the state of my mood...
You see, my mood alone does all the movement. But sometimes I can also be stationary. Just get me a warm blanket, a cold rainy day and a cup of warm chocolate, and I shall remain stationary for a while :)
And while this stationary state I will do all the thinking there is to be done in order for all the things to take proper place in my universe, and the universe of those around me.
The people around me are subject to a law of attraction ruled by the stages of the moon, and the stages of my mood. My state of mind manager concepts that can only be understood by a few, and a few only, for not many will be allowed to stay too close, yet not too far.
I am, what I was supposed to become.
If I get this on a bus trip back from the office, can you imagine what comes out on a long flight to another place? Someone up for a long flight with me?
Good luck, I'm coming home.
This kid next to me (he's maybe 15?) listening to Snoop Dogg and Dr.Dre and then I thought 'damn,kids listen to shit music' AND THEN I REMEMBER A FEW MONTHS AGO I WAS BUSTING SOME CANADIAN BACK-FLIPS AND 360s AT THE FREESTYLE ICE RAMP TO THE BEAT OF JAY-Z. Not forgetting, I have several friends thirtysome years and really good skateboarders. There's no difference between me and this kid. Maybe my tie and shirt, but we both have the same Converse shoes!
But what the f*ck, he listens to music really loud on those earphones. That can't be healthy.
I need to get a hold on some Nike or Mission skates. If anyone from Canada, USA, Sweden, Finland or Norway plans on coming to Argentina, please let me know!
Did you see that coming?! No, you didn't f*cking see it, did you? You never gonna f*cking know what's gonna happen next with me. Did you think I was coming back to the ice and this time NOT IN ICELAND? Ah? You didn't see it coming :)
'Some sort of connection'. You hear me saying this very often. It's my personal mantra. There's is some sort of connection. Some sorta connecting to the ice. Let it be proclaimed that the ice is now part of my life again. Let the ice come back to me.
This lady, she's got a black watch with white details. I f*cking want it. It's beautiful.
Coming to the ice again. This time I don't have Marcos' company. In fact, this time I don't have anyone from the past. I think I should start looking for teenage time lost friendships or new ones interested in winter sports. Anyone care to join me? ;D
I remember when I dated this girl that looked exactly like Michelle Williams, I remember I started dating her cos of that reason (shallow much?), however now I am watching this changed and ugly version of her, in the same place, at the same time. And so many years after (not that many) I think Oh God. And then some will charge against me and my cruelty; my f*cking shallow cruelty. To what I will explain I'm a human being, mundane and tired, thus I need to rest too, not just contact Heavenly bodies and if you want, once chosen by one of these, only then I'll realise. YOU HAVE TO DESERVE WHAT YOU ASK FOR.
I am sorry you did what you did. I am sorry you made your decisions and not mine. I am sorry you ruined your life and I'm just begining mine. How come are you so stuck with your lives and I can't barely grasp the concept of sticking? And no I did not leave you alone; you just left yourself alone.
I am close to home and that brings peace to my soul. And that peace in my soul brings thoughts to my brain. Thoughts that bring energy to my spirit, which feeds the blood that moves my body. Which direction should I turn?
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