I might know everything there is to know about myself.
I would have the wisdom to know what is truly best for me and love myself enough to do it. Not just in the here and now, but forever.
to know the difference between good instincts and nagging fears (old baggage) that influence my emotions and make me push good people away and hold onto the ones that I should have let go.
that I would finally feel comfortable in my own skin and not feel a need to question whether or not others consider me attractive, intelligent, interesting, a good person, etc. Why should it matter to me?
to be confident enough in myself to accept a compliment once in awhile, and not question the motive of the one giving the compliment. They can't all be wrong, right?
that I would be on the path to happiness and acceptance. Let go of the bad memories, negative experiences, and focus on the good things in my life and so I can move forward in a positive direction.
that I would've found someone special and for once didn't screw it up. I met someone recently that I adore. He's brilliant, funny, affectionate, passionate, to name a few. I want to give him my heart but I am so afraid to trust that he won't crush it. He's done nothing to warrant this concern, it's all conjured in my own head and I know this.
He asked me recently if I was happy. Before I met him, I thought I was. Thought I had most of my issues worked out. But meeting him made me realize I wasn't anywhere near happiness. I think I surprised him when I blurted "no". But that was the truth and I wanted to be honest with him about everything even if it didn't portray me in the best light. I want to be able to share all my secrets with him, and him with me.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not a basket case and have a lot to offer in a relationship. I'm strong, independant, playful, s*xual, loving, loyal, faithful, honest, and did I mention s*xual?
, etc. I think self exploration and recognition of areas in need of improvement are all good things. How else can we expect to learn from our mistakes so we dont repeat them. I'm hoping he will have the vision to see these qualities and have the patience and fortitude to stick around awhile to see how things turn out.
At 44 years old there is still so much to learn.