They can sure pump up a guy's self esteem

I recently noticed a certain semi-good looking lady was on my Who's Viewed Me list. So, being the cool guy that I think I am, I went ahead and looked at her profile too. One part of her profile struck me as funny. The part where she said, "If my little kitten doesn't like you, neither will I, and yes, that's a sure deal breaker."

Anyways, It didn't take long after this that I guess she just couldn't hold herself back anymore from the temptation of writing to me, surely most of you CS ladies can relate to her situation, ahem. Okay, well, maybe. So she sent me this message, "Hey there Handsome. You are truly one cute guy. I don't care anything about what your profile says, 'cause I don't read all that stuff anyways. I just know what I like by my natural in-stinks. And I do know this, I would really like to know you better. Then later, I'd like to get in your pants."

But then she quickly followed up with this next message, "Oh wait! You're not the one! You're not that cute, good looking younger guy whose profile I was looking at. He's on the other page. Sorry, forget the message I sent you a moment ago. Act like you never got it or read it. Delete it. Okay? Alright? Bye."

Well, that really got me upset. As it was, earlier that day when I was at a casino with one of my Financial Management Advisers, there was a lady who serves drinks there and she told me, "Hey, you don't look so good."

Concerned, I questioned, "What? You mean I look kind of flush, pale, sick, my eyes are not right?"

She answered, "No, I just meant, to me, you've never really looked very good. You're just not my type, not the kind of guy I'm attracted to. That's all. Please, don't take that in a wrong way. I just thought I'd tell you."

After both, what the casino drink server lady told me and what the lady on the dating site wrote me. It was just too much. I got upset and flew off the handle, whatever that means.

That's when I pulled up my slumping socks, pulled up my drooping pants, tightened my belt, took a deep breath to push out my chest a little, put my reading glasses on, held my chin up and said, "Oh yeah! Just who do these two women think they are, Queens of the little known planet SkweezGuyzNuttts? Huh! Well, little do they know or perhaps even care, that they are the ones that missed out on a good thing, me! Heck yes, and as soon as I get my new teeth, newer clothes, newer shoes, a better car that doesn't go 'pop' and smoke, they'll both see. Well maybe, sort of."

And then, by way of dating site mail and by way of text on her phone. Err, my financial adviser knew the casino drinks lady's personal phone number, for some darn reason. Yes, I sent them both the song below, which of course neither lady probably didn't even open or read my message. But hey, that's okay, at least I got my point across to them. Because after all, it's the principal of the whole thing, right? Or maybe it's spelled principle. Either way, you get what I'm trying to say, I hope.

"You Got Lucky" by Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers
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The Service Station Hamburger

What is it that makes it so desirable to people out late at night, or drunk, or people that got the munchies from smoking something, or people that perhaps see such food as an acquired taste? Something you just get used to after a few of them.

When I mention Service Stations, I'm referring to such places as Gas Stations with Mini-Marts in them, or Liquor Stores, or Mini-Stores that also fix flat tires behind the store.

And not only is there the service station Hamburger, but the other junk, err stuff is on the menu too. Such as the Nachos, the rolling bin Hot Dogs, the crispy hard Burritos, the dried yet warm chicken not-so-tenders, and of course the 84 ounce big darn soda with lots of serve yourself ice, that people seem to drop all over the floor and no one ever cleans up, therefore a slip and slide hazard exists from the fallen ice by the soda machines.

Some people refer to the service station hamburger as The Big One. And here, lot of us guys thought we had that nickname for some reason or another when we were younger and in heat.

I still cannot fully understand the attraction of the Service Station Hamburger. One of my friends likes the service station food so much, he suggested, "Hey Rob, the next time you go out with a woman, well, if you ever do again in this lifetime, you might want to take her to eat at a Service Station. Just buy the food and eat it in your car. Man, I tell ya. There is nothing more romantic. The ladies love it!"

So, I finally tried one. The other day I bought a service station hamburger. The darn meat was so dry and old, it was like eating a hamburger with beef jerky in it. I took it back, told the clerk about it, but he simply explained, "Oh, you got one of the eh, oh, uh, Jerky Burgers, yeah that's what it is, a jerky burger. It's good, isn't it? Try getting drunk then eating it. You'll see how the taste no longer matters at that point. But if you want one not so dry and more plumpy fresh. Come back on the 27th of every other month, hmm, or is it every third month? Anyways, come back then. That's when we put out the new stock of service station foods."

Now, I see they've added Bar-B-Que chicken wings. At least that's what the little sign says. Hmm, They look pretty gross, err good with all that thick glazed bar-b-que sauce blanketing them. Can't really see the wings too well, but they must be in there.. someplace.
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Better choice of words?

(While browsing single ladies profiles) A-ha! Here we go! Here's a lady with nice profile, and she's so pretty, like a fashion model. She's half my age, and she claims she doesn't want young guys with good looks, she wants old guys like me. As a matter of fat, she doesn't care what the hail a guy looks like, nor his age, occupation, hygiene or anything. Wow! She really knows how to flatter us older guys. You know what? For this her, I'm not even going to read her profile. Her pretty pictures alone are enough to get me to write to her.

I'll just write to her, right now. Of course, you know me, I'll charm her with some nice complimentary words to capture her heart. Here we go.

I'm writing: "Hi, I like your pictures and all that other crap that's on your profile.. etcetera and so on and so on.. Hurry, write back to me before I lose my stamina, or before I find another lady's profile I may like better." There you go, and I'm sending the message.

Now, I'll wait a minute or two for her to reply.

Whoa, there it is. She wrote back right away. Let's see what she wrote.

Her letter reads: "Hi, I don't come on this site too often. Please let me know your private email address, your skype, credit card information and all that kind of sh**. Oh and please join this other website for 79.00 a week, so we can chat there. Ya know, I think I already like you very much. I'm thinking maybe you are the right man for me to marry. Hurry, write back to me with all that information soon, okay. Love you, bye."

I'll write back to her now, "Thanks for writing to me. If it's okay with you, I'd prefer we get to know each other a little better with a few letters on this dating site first, before we go to our private internet emails and skype or websites that charge 80.00 a week. I am really interested in you too." Okay, that's all I'll write for now.. and I'm sending the message.

(Not even a minute later) Whoa, she is fast! Probably in more ways than one. She must really want me so very much. Let's see what she wrote.

She wrote: "What? No email? No skype? No credit card information? You don't want to join the other website? And it only costs 79.00, not 80.00. Don't you know math? Don't you know the difference?"

She continues, "You know what? I don't think you're serious about marriage with me. So, why don't you just get lost! That's right, go f%@# yourself. You'll never have a good woman like me, because you don't want to do these things I ask of you. So, goodbye! Don't ever write to me again. You crazy, you!"

Sheesh! She really got upset with me. But I wrote to her again anyways, and I asked, "Hey, wait a half of two minutes here. Why did you have to tell me to go f%@# myself? Did you have to say it like that? Couldn't you have used better words to tell me goodbye?"

She replied one more time, and quite quickly, "As a matter of fact, YES, I did have to tell you like that! Because it's the only way to get through to guys like you. I don't have time to waste. What you think, I'm here to play games? Well, I'm not! I need to make me some money, err I mean, I need to find a man who will fall in love with me after just one or two letters. Geesh! What kind of lady do you think I am? Now go away, leave me alone!"

Gee, I still think she could have used better words, maybe something like, "We could still be friends, but never write or talk to each other again." That's basically the same thing, but in nicer words, don't you think so? No? Yes? Maybe?
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