So tired of being afraid
I don’t hide under the bed quaking, but at any one time there can be at least one thread of fear running through my head. Some come from the media and their faithful acolytes on social media. Some come from the experiences of others. Some just crop up randomly on their own. Some last seconds, some can build up until I have to talk myself down. The early hours of the morning is the time most of them drift up, although some are triggered by what I am doing, or unexpected noises.
Random examples
Will my brakes fail on this hill, will I crash through the barrier and bounce into the ravine 500 feet below?
Why hasn’t X (friend, relative, or person of interest), responded to my message / email / whatsapp? Dead? Sick? Pissed off with me and will never be in touch again?
Was that creak at 2 am a door opening, or the first sign the house is falling down? Will I survive its collapse, but be buried in the rubble to suffocate slowly in excruciating pain?
Will I be burgled? Mugged? Attacked? Beaten-up? Shot? Maimed? Killed? Acid thrown in my face?
Will I try to draw cash and find my bank account has been frozen or emptied? Will I lose my house, be unable to buy food, have to kill my pets before they starve to death so I can boil their bones to make up soup?
Will I be alone forever, die alone and be eaten by said pets because no-one even notices? Will I fall downstairs, break my neck, be unable to move until I starve to death, ditto, ditto? Or if I try to avoid being alone, will I fall in love, be conned, bankrupted, and left heartbroken? Will he murder me? Which would be worse?
I also sometimes have to stop myself thinking of floods, global freezing, solar flares taking out satellites, an international collapse of the power grid, hostile skirmishes, raids, nuclear war, the collapse of the economy, losing my job, the rise of the bullies, and being targeted because I am an outsider.
Most of the time, I’m completely relaxed but the fears – the fears seem to hiccup a little more often in these gloomy days as the media vultures teach us to wail their songs of terror at the moon. Will I eventually be after all hiding under the bed quaking?
Jump in any time and tell me to stop being silly, everything will be all right. I won’t believe you – in fact I’ll think you’re alarmingly naïve never ever to fear anything will ever touch your life – but jump in anyway.
I am self-diagnosing a need for food and maybe even a bubble-bath. I'm really not a basket-case. But man I can imagine up a world of troubles for myself sometimes.
Comments (44)
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Planted in the ground so...
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It may come down to who gets whom first ....and there's two of them
I think I preferred living in innocent ignorance, though.
And Molly no, she wouldn't, she's leaner than when you met her and I suspect as tough as old boot leather. Instant biltong, in her own way
I may need a drink after thinking about that
My daughter says that about her husband, anyway. She says it's one of the reasons she married him. When she's managed to score a stash he calls her biltong-breath and won't kiss her, never mind try to steal any of it.
But maybe, just maybe, the next time you are waving round a chainsaw you'll think 'that ruddy Biff and her fears' but you'll be a bit more cautious as a result and walk away intact?
Then I'd feel better!
Now I know exactly where to copy and paste the correct spelling of naïve.
Beautiful.
....and some we are even happy to pay for. God safe the fears.
The only fear I have is dying alone at home and no one knows till someone smells my rotten corpse. But living with that fear is pointless, so I just try to live my life to the fullest and put that fear aside.
I'm an insurance agent's dream, though - I'm comprehensively covered for everything they can think up.
Having a real problem to deal with actually helps. Nothing for it but to get on with it and not waste thoughts on but-what-if.
Over and out
I live alone, and besides a cranky but very deaf neighbour in his 80s, it is a main road, and that can be lonely in that you could be murdered and nobody would hear your screams.
So my worries /Fears would be ~ financially. I worked all my life, but am on contributory OAP. It is not a lot to live on, and I find it hard, hence, Bills are a worry and there are quite a lot this time of year.
Secondly would be health. This is only in recent times since I have had quite a few Health issues in the past 4 years and I worry about my autonomy, being independent, I am so determined not to need help !!
I worry about getting Dementia, I know, I know, but it runs in the family, and lately I can't remember the names and places and my long term memory is good but short term has detiorated.
I also fear that I will be left alone since I am a people person, but 2 of my friends have been diagnosed with Dementia [the start] and are on medication for same.
I have a fear of driving so I am trying to learn to drive and beat that fear ~ it is crazy since I cycled to work in manic traffic for years].
My body is getting old and though I am not vain, I look at photos taken a decade ago and am appalled at how I have aged, this is narcissistic, but I am being honest.
Great blog.
Latest fear - my fingers will no longer type what my brain tells them to.
And that's why I always took my travelmate along, even if that meant I had to cover her travel expenses.
I used to hate flying so much I had to dose myself with valium before a flight so that I would pass out. I was the one slumped against the window, black hat pulled down over her face and gentle whistling snores trickling out from underneath. Your method sounds expensive!
And this is going to sound crazy but when we do get a rainy day I actually get all excited about it
Sure enough four tornadooes touched down around me and I emerged unscathed. It might not have been a smart thing to do but what is huge is that I was not the least bit afraid. That's a first!