So tired of being afraid

I don’t hide under the bed quaking, but at any one time there can be at least one thread of fear running through my head. Some come from the media and their faithful acolytes on social media. Some come from the experiences of others. Some just crop up randomly on their own. Some last seconds, some can build up until I have to talk myself down. The early hours of the morning is the time most of them drift up, although some are triggered by what I am doing, or unexpected noises. uh oh

Random examples

Will my brakes fail on this hill, will I crash through the barrier and bounce into the ravine 500 feet below?

Why hasn’t X (friend, relative, or person of interest), responded to my message / email / whatsapp? Dead? Sick? Pissed off with me and will never be in touch again?

Was that creak at 2 am a door opening, or the first sign the house is falling down? Will I survive its collapse, but be buried in the rubble to suffocate slowly in excruciating pain?

Will I be burgled? Mugged? Attacked? Beaten-up? Shot? Maimed? Killed? Acid thrown in my face?

Will I try to draw cash and find my bank account has been frozen or emptied? Will I lose my house, be unable to buy food, have to kill my pets before they starve to death so I can boil their bones to make up soup?

Will I be alone forever, die alone and be eaten by said pets because no-one even notices? Will I fall downstairs, break my neck, be unable to move until I starve to death, ditto, ditto? Or if I try to avoid being alone, will I fall in love, be conned, bankrupted, and left heartbroken? Will he murder me? Which would be worse?

I also sometimes have to stop myself thinking of floods, global freezing, solar flares taking out satellites, an international collapse of the power grid, hostile skirmishes, raids, nuclear war, the collapse of the economy, losing my job, the rise of the bullies, and being targeted because I am an outsider.

Most of the time, I’m completely relaxed but the fears – the fears seem to hiccup a little more often in these gloomy days as the media vultures teach us to wail their songs of terror at the moon. Will I eventually be after all hiding under the bed quaking?

Jump in any time and tell me to stop being silly, everything will be all right. I won’t believe you – in fact I’ll think you’re alarmingly naïve never ever to fear anything will ever touch your life – but jump in anyway.

I am self-diagnosing a need for food and maybe even a bubble-bath. I'm really not a basket-case. But man I can imagine up a world of troubles for myself sometimes. sigh

Comments (63)

Elegsabiff
Berry doh
Elegsabiff
Kalpataru (ok no more nickname, will try to remember laugh) make every day count! At least you work so your colleagues will notice you haven't pitched up ...



thumbs up
Elegsabiff
I do feel most of my problems would be banished if someone would just bring me a cup of tea, a hug, and a million euros.

Over and out wave

teddybear
I get those too....its like playing the what if game with yourself....I just remind myself that they aren't real and let them go......if its not happening in the now its not real....staying or trying to stay present and grounded helps......wave
Evian backwards doesn't have the double dots.

Do you see why I fret?

Now I'm sure there's a TEDx talk which might be relevant. I'll see if I can find it later.

The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker is also a good book. It's about protecting oneself from violence which may not be relevant to you, but it does say some interesting stuff about how one can use real fear to manage situations, whilst media fuelled fear creates the kind of anxiety which clouds self preservation.
Progress, JTG. Occurs at every emotional and educational level. Bravo.
goldengloss
Biff ~ Nice to see you again. Your Blog was terrific in, that it made me feel 'normal'. I have many fears.
I live alone, and besides a cranky but very deaf neighbour in his 80s, it is a main road, and that can be lonely in that you could be murdered and nobody would hear your screams.
So my worries /Fears would be ~ financially. I worked all my life, but am on contributory OAP. It is not a lot to live on, and I find it hard, hence, Bills are a worry and there are quite a lot this time of year.
Secondly would be health. This is only in recent times since I have had quite a few Health issues in the past 4 years and I worry about my autonomy, being independent, I am so determined not to need help !!

I worry about getting Dementia, I know, I know, but it runs in the family, and lately I can't remember the names and places and my long term memory is good but short term has detiorated.

I also fear that I will be left alone since I am a people person, but 2 of my friends have been diagnosed with Dementia [the start] and are on medication for same.

I have a fear of driving so I am trying to learn to drive and beat that fear ~ it is crazy since I cycled to work in manic traffic for years].

My body is getting old and though I am not vain, I look at photos taken a decade ago and am appalled at how I have aged, this is narcissistic, but I am being honest.
Great blog. hug
Elegsabiff
M4 - the fears don't survive being looked up, doesn't stop the little buggers from jumping up and down until you do laugh

sigh
Elegsabiff
looked AT. Not up.

Latest fear - my fingers will no longer type what my brain tells them to.
Elegsabiff
Jac - looks as though you're as fed up with media-stoked fears as I am. They're insidious, though.

I'll look out for that book. I do know without stress we'd not function at all and too much stress leaves us flooded with unneeded fight-or-flight reactions that should never have been provoked in the first place and are nicely toxic - such fun. sigh
Oh Elegsabiff, here is another fear I have.. It's getting passed out when traveling abroad alone.. blues
And that's why I always took my travelmate along, even if that meant I had to cover her travel expenses. laugh
Elegsabiff
GG, it's been ages! scold And yup, the fears are sods but on the bright side they probably up your blood pressure a bit and dementia is less likely with high BP? So that's one tiny win for our side - not much, but something.

I have a long-term plan for my health and keeping a roof over my head and three meals a day, if I have the courage for it - I shall rob a bank. Win win, in some ways - if I get away with it, well great - if, as seems likely, I don't, I shall see out my retirement inside. As this is being discussed as an option amongst a bunch of FB friends I foresee prison being rather fun with congenial company and we shall gang up on the scary female inmates and teach them to read and what men to avoid like the plague.

The other version being discussed is to shoot a particularly obnoxious politician and become a bit of a prison hero in the process for doing a public service but of course even the most revolting politicians have SOME supporters, how embarrassing if I found myself stuck with some of them uh oh

I think the bank robbery sounds more fun, and should bump up my BP nicely. You in? Um, I won't ask you to drive the getaway car uh oh
goldengloss
Biff ~laugh laugh Great idea, you would have plenty of people to base one of your books on. I could go to more Art Classes. The people inside would be interesting, have great lives to speak about, not your 9 to 5 people, I hate goody goodies anyway so like you say, we could split a spiff and have some fun when the 'screws' are having their gossips and coffee breaks.

Shooting a hated politician, well I could travel to USA and wear thick glasses and security would never suspect I was going to shoot Trump. The Jail Robbery sounds safer though, and to be honest they are robbers so I wouldn't feel guilty. Glad you have a plan Biff. Take care. If you are feeling nostalgic for Scotland, let me tell you, Ireland at the moment is experiencing dark, dank windy, heavy sleet [in Dublin anyway] to last over weekend.... so don't feel too lonely. Nothing beats the Sun.love wine wine
No they don't survive being looked at....it wont stop them from coming up but it will stop them in their tracks when you look and refuse to get hooked on them...soon they will come less often and as many times as it takes remind yourself they aren't real....wave
Elegsabiff
Kalpatru we must have overlapped I didn't see your comment laugh

I used to hate flying so much I had to dose myself with valium before a flight so that I would pass out. I was the one slumped against the window, black hat pulled down over her face and gentle whistling snores trickling out from underneath. Your method sounds expensive! wow
Elegsabiff
GG Dublin, has to say, doesn't sound enticing, but you do have one thing I don't, at a guess, central heating? I miss that, because sunshine is lovely, to be sure, but at 13 degrees I waddle round like the Michelin man in about 9 layers of clothes. Even at 20 degrees I'm wearing a warm jacket and wincing at tourists in shorts.

And this is going to sound crazy but when we do get a rainy day I actually get all excited about it laugh mind you it took a year to reach that point! and I think the excitement would pass pretty quickly if the wet weather didn't. uh oh
Elegsabiff
M4 - upward and onward, to infinity and beyond applause
I too have those morbid scary thought sneak into a tired brain. However I noticed the other day when my mobile phone started screaming an emergency alert for a Tornado Warning and to take cover, I decided to take a nap. I felt very at easy if I have to go, I'm going in my sleep with my little dog, if this is meant to be, so be it.

Sure enough four tornadooes touched down around me and I emerged unscathed. It might not have been a smart thing to do but what is huge is that I was not the least bit afraid. That's a first!
goldengloss
Biff ~ you are officially climatized. 20c is a warm day here in Ireland, How quick ye forget. good luck yep I have the Central Heat on coz it's lashing cats and dogs and miserable but you have the beach and the sun tomrorrow. snowed in
KNenagh
Just from my perspective - I had scary thoughts sneaking up when things weren't great in 2 of the 3 important part in life (love, work and well, living). Heartbreak, shitty job and other unpleasant stuff going on does make for a black cloud and all seems to be bad. I find that if 2 out of 3 are good, no scary brooding is happening. It's 3 out of 3 at the moment, so waiting when one part is going to crash down. uh oh

Take care of yourself and treat yourself well. hug
I don´t worry about anything, that´s what I employ my wife for
Bogart_1960
I am only tired.- 5 hours waiting for a flight. No fears, but a bit starving

And after everything else, .... CS!!




Morning
Elegsabiff
Fay, it strikes me if you had not stayed home you might have moved straight into the path of one of the four, your guardian angel was on overtime!

And yes sometimes it takes a real threat to put the others into proper perspective hug

GG wrap up warm and wrap your fingers round a mug of hot chocolate. Beach? Who has time for the beach?? but yes I must take the dog for a walk there soon now that most of the tourists have gone smile I am about 15 minutes drive away. Probably heading up into the mountains next weekend to visit the snow,as I have a family visitor yay

KN don't even think of wondering if your 3 out of 3 will falter, enjoy every single moment of stress-free now! hug

B, I picture your wife as thin as a lathe, with huge haunted eyes and a tendency to twitch at loud noises? grin

Yo Bogey hope you are safely home by now and outside a good French cognac after your ordeal I have got over my fear of flying but have never found anything fun about waiting in airports comfort next time remove some clothes for the pic, more fun for us, should make for some interesting reactions while you wait too laugh
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