Startling new revelations on climate change

Recently completed research could render the 2015 Paris Agreement on climate change a momentous exercise in rushing headlong down a blind alley. In his newly published paper on the chemical constitution and electromagnetic characteristics of the Earth’s upper atmosphere, professor James (Jimmy) Edwards -head of the Spiritual Meteorology Department at Oxford University- reaches a conclusion that could turn much of the World’s mainstream scientific thinking on climate change completely on its head.

While professor Edwards agrees that our upper atmosphere is indeed being negatively affected by so called greenhouse gasses, he asserts they are not the main culprit in global warming. It seems, according to the professor, that the real cause of the World’s changing climate and weather patterns is, in fact, an abundance of human souls trapped in the stratosphere.

With a World population of almost 8 billion there are more people alive today than ever before, but that also means that the number of dying is also at an unprecedented level. It is estimated that the global mortality rate is running somewhere in the region of 55 million per year, and with more than half this number belonging to one of the religions that facilitate the transcendence of the soul -predominantly Christianity and Islam-, we arrive at a situation where about 30 million souls per annum are making their way up into what professor Edwards has unofficially named the ‘purgatorosphere’. A quantity that is simply unsustainable, says the professor.

Although professor Edwards’ claims are being dismissed by many of the World’s climate experts, the UN is taking his findings seriously enough to have appointed a special investigative representative - in the person of Hans Lume, renowned Austrian climatologist- to look into Edwards’ findings and oversee any strategic planning that may be called for. Herr Lume has already informally suggested that some sort of quota system may have to be looked at and it seems likely that all Christian denominations and Muslim sects will be called upon to drastically reduce their soul nurturing activities. He then went on to add that, in the longer term, a truly effective solution to our climate problems would only be achieved through persuading the offending faiths to convert to eco-friendly religions such as Buddhism, where the soul is continually recycled, or the more ancient nature based belief systems where the soul is absorbed back into Mother Earth on its hosts demise.

A spokesman for the International Humanist and Ethical Union commented, “it makes a very welcome and refreshing change for the atheists to be occupying the moral high ground”.

December 2018