So many people

I have so very much recently received emails through this site from a whole lot of wonderful people. And it hit me. Quite a bit of them keep getting their profiles deleted and banned, then the emails would disappear. So I started looking at the pages and wow. Wasn't expecting that much nudity and such crass statements in the profiles. Especially when they keep directing people to off-site pages. Good on you for trying to turn a profit, but why not just do right by yourselves and the poor souls who pictures you're using and not post some unfortunate lady's nude pictures for the sake of blatent advertising? There are many wonderful words of encouragement and support coming from actual people and then even more coming from fake accounts that a couple have truly said amazing things that disappeared because unfortunately when they deleted your account they deleted your message as well. I took a nap for a while and decided to go through some text messages I kept receiving on the phone. I see an old pattern popping up on the phone that I have encountered many many times over the years. Full of sorrys, full of blame, full of begging and back to blaming. I am not amused at any of what I saw written to the phone. I am actually mortified that it is continuing the way it has with absolutely no shame. First the tears, then the pity, then blame, followed up with manipulation then back to blame. A whole lot of excuses that have been said many, many times. I put the phone down and turned over and did something I haven't been able to bring myself to do in years. I prayed. I spoke aloud to a higher being that more than likely had deaf ears. I got my thoughts and prayers out, and when I felt I was done I got up, put my boots back on and went for a walk around the businesses and just kicked a can around the corner. I still feel as though I had a conversation with the cab of a semi truck in vain. I don't know what to say about myself for having that feeling. If it was up to me I would have been better off without putting myself through the pain of looking. But that's a good lesson. It's not just a lesson but I don't have the words to describe just how disappointed I am. I cannot explain how much regret I have. And honestly, I cannot explain why it is so hard for me to stay on topic instead of drifting off upon the same tired bore of a subject. Please do not take offense to my drivel. Tomorrow morning I will write about something joyful in my heart. A goal and purpose I have had for many many years longer than any relationship I have encountered. A secret to none but myself that I have refused to face from the start and if it touches your heart and soul, and brings joy and hope and tears and laughter, then at least I completed part of my dreams that I have been too scared to realize for the sake of my own discord and insecurities. Once again thank you to everyone in this world for the good and the bad and everything in between. Until tomorrow, may there be nothing but peace and grace around all your loving places.