Fear of the Known

Having responded to another blog and not getting a response to how people fear the" known " and said blog now closed ,I'm putting it out there for discussion.

For example there are many children in abusive situations be it physical or s*xual. How do you suppose a child can allay it's fears and protect itself by positive thoughts which has been suggested ? Are they not fearful of the known?

I was personally attacked one night and frankly have never forgotten the fear that was instilled in me at the time. I still carry this with me when in certain situations, and surely that's normal as a protective measure.

Many women and even men are in relationships that are for them untenable. but , due to circumstances of finance or concerns over children ,are unable to walk away. Are they then not fearful of the known?

Developing cancer ,especially if it's metastatic, or any other debilitating illness and disease may not be removed just through thought transference and positivity, or even diet change. That's just wishful thinking surely and are they then not fearful of the known?

I know people who have beaten the big C but I also know people who are facing death as I type, even though they fought a long hard battle and pushed their own boundaries.

Yes we can stay positive about how we deal with any ongoing situation in our lives but it's not always a cure for what ails us. Hope is a wonderful factor but despair is quite another matter.

Please no discussions about Covid and control..handshake
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Comments (24)

Tiger_Moth
I will stick with child abuse. How does a child remain positive ? Rape and other forms of abuse in the adult with result in other coping mechanisms but the adult as you know will have the ability to seek help if it is a relationship situation.

Children [I speak here of say, a 4yr old ] will be abused by a person in a position of trust, otherwise if it is a stranger, they will go straight to their parents and so on.
Children who are abused early in life and even in teenage years feel a terrible sense of shame. Of being dirty, of somehow not being worthy. Some split [personality wise ] and are able to turn themselves off so to speak during the habitual abuse. They continue to have what seems like a normal relationship with the parent who is the abuser or uncle. If warned of consequences they will be scared to tell parents.
The really difficult part for a child being constantly abused for years is, that they lose all boundaries and this is visible to those who would be abusers. The abused child feels they don't have identity. This can show in school as not being able to concentrate or acting out.

Sometimes there is violence in boys but girls tend to become depressed and try desparately to be loved and being loved and s*xual intimacy become something that is not separate and the mind becomes more conflicted.
This is not a scholarly article as you can easily see. It is my own experiences of a long childhood abuse scenario. I am at an age when I really don't care who or what people think.

Having been abused by a nun for many years, it has resulted in me not being able to stand near a nun [somebody dressed as a nun with veil ] and because I did not dare tell at home [it was my fault after all it has to be something about me doesn't it ? I never told, i cut off as it happened once weekly on saturdays and thought of other things.
The person that abused me during my childhood years was a very well respected person and close family wise. I was the only child in the house since I was reared by grandparents.

There is no earthly way I could have told, this kind , gentle, intelligent, religious person could not be believed to be doing what they were to me, I became terribly skinny and couldn't swallow food. I lived on milk for many years. My friendships suffered and my schoolwork except for Art which I adored and which allowed me forget. Music too and acting which I loved.

Sometimes I felt like telling, but how can you tell a person that their husband is doing things to me that I feel are my fault for somehow inviting these actions ? I felt self loathing, It was impossible to be positive. I suffered panic attacks and was scared going to bed. I was known as a timid, shy little girl who did not talk much. Teachers asked me was all ok at home and I said yes.
i have opened my heart here and I beg anyone who has issues with me not to come in and kick me in the stomach. It has taken guts to write this. On top of the nun there was a priest who finally broke me, yes, the abused child has no boundaries and seems to 'invite' more abuse and the Rape Crisis Centre told me this years later when I went for counselling. I won't go on anymore but even after counselling and therapy, we adult kids never really feel loveable and that has repercussions in any relationship. We sabotage real love and for years can't tell the difference between sex and loveExcuse my spelling. The fear lives in the pit of the stomach and is there like a round black snake that sleeps but is always there, to this day. .
Tiger ~ This has been a reply because many people on CS must have suffered child abuse as it is very very common. I did not do this to get 1. sympathy. 2. For Drama. I don't need either.
I basically came back to CS with no intention of going back to blogs. I wrote incoherently as I became somewhat emotional. so the fact that a number of people abused me as a young girl probably sounds unbelievable and fairy tale like to some, but believe me, I know those who have been ritually abused by family members. Your Blog was about fear and this fear and other desires to please and never feeling good enough and having a low level fear that can turn to panic and of course PTSD stays with most for life. It does not mean we can't heal in many ways but it needs work and forgiveness which is the hardest one. I am happy if you feel it is too raw to take the post down. I felt it needed to be said.
I will never be a really positive person. Nor will I be free of fear, yet I see myself as a survivor and a warrior. Take care .
It never ceases to amaze how much courage people have when they talk about abuse.

Not only does it go against deeply ingrained survival mechanisms ("Don't tell, or I will...", "Don't tell because..."), but there is that fear of the backlash that it will likely spawn.

When people go on the attack after an exposure like this, often it's just because they don't want to hear it, or have it intrude upon their world.

Sometimes it's because they see vulnerability and go in for the kill, which of course is classic abuser behaviour.

I take my hat off to you, Rosemarie. tip hat
Thanks Jac
I in no way intended to hi jack Tiger_Moths blog. It is about being positive and it is about Fear.
It is impossible to be fearless when one has gone through a very frightening and painful childhood
and when your realtiy is very real and not illusion. Pain is not an illusion, demeaing a tiny little girl of 6
is not an illusion, you feel it in every bone of your body.
It is the Hollywood books on being positive by people who don't understand that many are the best they can be, just by being here, By accepting those things they can't change [as they say in A.A.] and by goint to talk to people who have gone through the same thing [in Rape Crisis Therapy Groups ]. It is also a wake up call to those who truly believe that we choose our thoughts and that therapy is for the birds. It is a life saver. Considering what happened we are fairly rounded and finally able to have relations. Yes Jac, we can lash in to somebody who we see as attacking us, and believe you me we are well used to that being done as we present as grown up children.
thank you for your kind words. Fear is a fact, it is necessary and it is part of PTSD it is a coping mechanism that stops the brain from going insane in the face of horrific experiences.
Fear is necessary.
I think in most situations there are known and unknown elements.

You might know you are ill, but don't know what the illness is, or what will happen next; if you are in an abusive relationship you know there will be abuse, but not when and how.

We are rarely all negative, unless we lose all hope; expectations of all positive are unrealistic and likely harmful if we feel we can't be out true authentic selves, or explore our thoughts and feelings.

Being poorly at the moment, I have found it a bit of a roller coaster. There are times where I'm discouraged and even despairing, but other times I can see a way forward, either in terms of improving heath, or alternative expectations, possibilities and goals.

I suppose the fear of the known heavily relies upon support and action from others: people need medical attention, protection and care. We know that.



"Service to others is the rent you pay for your room here on earth." Muhammad Ali
For G.G. teddybear

Thank you so much for your heartfelt message and for caring enough to share your past on an extremely difficult and emotional subject.

These were my thoughts when writing the blog re how people deal with "known" fears and there are many who have had, and are still dealing with difficult situations in their lives.sigh

Telling people to be strong and think positive when one's life has been that of perpetual fear is almost like a condescending pat on the head and a "There there, dear you'll be ok."

I can't begin to understand the trauma that you experienced and are probably still having to deal with as you go through life. Having the courage to share your story, as you have probably done before, goes some way towards healing ,but never having experienced an abusive childhood only one of parental love it's hard for me to even begin to imagine your childhood.

Once again many thanks for your courage and fortitude.hug
All I will say is I usually enjoy that bloggers blogs..That particular blog was so ridiculous I did the right thing by staying well away.
@ Mercedes

Sometimes it pays to walk. Unfortunately for some it's not always possible.handshake
Definitely handshake
I have the great good luck never to have been thus abused. The 'righteous' ritual beatings by my father, mother standing alongside observing, I remember with great clarity. I spoke to my father years later and told him 'You were wrong. I will never do that' but why didn't I tell my complicit mother? I should have.
GG - No child deserves what you had to endure. I'm glad that you not only survived it, but are healing from it. Sharing it demonstrates your courage, strength and resiliency. It also validates and helps others who may have experienced something similar. I hope it encourages others to seek help in their battle. While it may not be likely, I can only hope that it somehow instills some empathy in some of those who have abused and has them reconsider their future actions. Lastly, to all who have been abused; hug
Thanks to all who replied.
I do get through days, I am happy, I can laugh, enjoy music and the company of people.
I don't hate men, I am not a loner, I enjoy a good laugh.
I was half way through writing this and thought I should stop, but something made me go on.

I hope if anyone is reading this, they will know there is nothing wrong with them for having bad
days, for days when they don't feel positive, for choosing to be survivors and warriors rather than
victims. It is a long path and ironically it leaves one naive. I go weeks or months now without
thinking about anything to do with the subject. Those who have not dared face the fear and have stayed quiet are the ones I worry about.
I think if anything there should be more books and blogs on strength, on pulling on our own strength and will to be well and happy rather than ignoring reality and taking refuge in various ways of thinking that only act as sunglasses.
Fear of the known is closer to the truth. They tend to lie when the person is the cheater, the abuser. The world is in pain and no one is sorry for all the pain they've caused. Don't the victims of abuse so often become the abusers? If only the victim and never the culprit. How could that always be the case?
Now that it's fashionable to have something wrong with you there's no shame in saying you're a victim of terrible things. But to say I'm sorry for all the pain I've caused, that's more like what admitting a weakness would have been in the past.
"So often" is an interesting turn of phrase.

Yes, some people who were abused become abusers, but "so often" almost implies an inevitability, certainly a very high risk.

The trouble with that is you make a pariah out of anyone and everyone who has been abused (especially sexually abused as a child) and you push the idea that they are somehow at fault despite having done nothing wrong.

There has been enough of this, this thing where society supports grooming and secrecy for the benefit of those who abuse.

So, no, not "so often", 'sometimes'. There may well be fear of the known in that, as the abuser avoids being the abused.
Is it...?

I take it back. Maybe you're cool, afterall.
This post has a lot of different subject matter-But most people I know have a fear of the "unknown."
What will tomorrow bring?
What if I die?
What if I don't have money?
@Calliopesgirl

That was my reason for opening this blog in response to the other blog.

It's reasonable to have fears of what might or might not happen in one's life, but a known fear is so much harder to deal with don't you think.handshake
ChestneyChrist ~ I fully accept that many abusers don't get help and indeed many go on to repeat the
offense they suffered. I get a little sick when I hear the defence in court for very violent behaviour, murder, rape of a child, grooming as 'He/she had a very unstable background, they are trying to deal with it by reliving it '.
The many women abused by Catholic priests and nuns went on to get married and made good mothers and were vigilant about their kids. They were never shown love as kids in those homes and yet, they chose to love.
Yes some people have a DNA propensity for child sex. It has been said by the Green party [can't remember his name ] that Child s*xual orientation is an orientation. Daniel Cohen Bent ? IF my mind is correct. I certainly have never played the victim card Chestney.

I Hate people who lie or exaggerate like one of our ministers recently about abuse. It makes the rest of us who did look like we are in some way looking for pity.
I hold no anger. The anger is gone, it goes when you can let out the cries and roars but have no fear Chestney, child abuse is alive and well and in every country.
Men find it harder to come out and one of my consultants that treats my arthritis was abused and it took years to speak about it.
Child trafficking is at an all time high as you know and Ireland is not snow white by any means.
I really wrote this about the fear that the child feels through most of their lives, a free flowing fear in later years and ironically the flashbacks still come. Thanks for replying.
jac ~ Many years ago in my 30s I was asked to speak on a programme about child abuse and was picked out because I could speak relatively unemotionally and would not break down and ruin the programme. My voice was distorted.
What really irked me and disappointed me was the amount of women who rang in to say 'why didn't she go to the police ' [at 6yrs of age and younger ] ' Was she sexually seductive ? Some men are weak

I understand now that many many women can't and won't look at this subject , just as they don't dwell on rape because it feel uncomfortable, it feels too raw, it could never happen to them. It didn't as a child and it only happens to rough ignorant uneducated families. Wrong ! It happens across the class divide.

The only difference is that middle class people tend to want their family name protected and have begged their teenage children and adult children not to go to court because they loved their partner and did not want their husband to be named and shamed [ a little sick when you think about it ]

Yes, ironically it was men who rang in mostly and the women seemed not to want to even 'go there' emotionally. There were few exceptions.
A lesson to be learnt though of how we deal with fear sometimes too.
Tiger_Moth
I just want to say thanks again for a platform that I perhaps should not have used.
Everything Is aid [even if not written very well ] and from the heart was true and the more
horrible aspects left out.
At 70, I am moving on although the PTSD flashback still come back.
Thanks for your kindness and also to those who did express an understanding and empathy like
Jac and yourself and others and those who wrote on my private mail .

I think being 70 two weeks ago, it is not the best place for me to be and I have probably disclosed
more information than I should have on a blog.

so I will say good bye, I hope it helped some people, and was perhaps a little eye opener to those who think we are all pathetic victims but most importantly for your blog, that Fear is a very natural ongoing scenario in man y life situations.

Best of luck Tiger_Moth.
GGbouquet
Tiger_Moth
I just want to say thanks again for a platform that I perhaps should not have used.
Everything Is aid [even if not written very well ] and from the heart was true and the more
horrible aspects left out.
At 70, I am moving on although the PTSD flashback still come back.
Thanks for your kindness and also to those who did express an understanding and empathy like
Jac and yourself and others and those who wrote on my private mail .

I think being 70 two weeks ago, it is not the best place for me to be and I have probably disclosed
more information than I should have on a blog.

so I will say good bye, I hope it helped some people, and was perhaps a little eye opener to those who think we are all pathetic victims but most importantly for your blog, that Fear is a very natural ongoing scenario in man y life situations.

Best of luck Tiger_Moth.
GGbouquet
@ G.G.

It's good to know that a blog can be an opener for someone to share their experiences and put things into perspective as to what" known fear" actually does mean to people who have or ,as I said , are still experiencing it.

We cannot randomly dismiss such fears by thought process. Some people never get over their past ,even with help. It's a stigma that can stay a lifetime and ,although can be controlled to a certain degree, it never truly leaves the human mind completely unfortunately.

Well done you for having the courage of your convictions and sharing your known fear. Stay safe and hope to see you again soon. hug
Yes, good blog.
R.E.M had the 'it's the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine - line
meaning an unknown do not at all have to be a problem, rather an opportunity.
The known problems are more than enough for me also, so any unknown: bring it on!
Can't beat the real thing lol.

drinking

Death is the worst one (refuse to call that an unknown) but a little glimmer of hope is even there.
If you meet Jesus on the other side bow to him, don't raise your fist into his face...
He made you.
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Tiger_Moth

Louth, Lincolnshire, England, UK

Forthright and honest. No time for people with exaggerated make believe lifestyles or liars. [read more]

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created Jul 2021
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