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Stay or Walk Away?

Hi wave

I recently went out with my ex. We talked sincerely. I asked him what we are doing and to define the relationship. I told him that I don’t want to pressure him to commit to anything he isn’t prepared for, but I wanted to know what we are and where this is going. He said that he has feelings for me, and that he isn’t interested with other girls. He asked for more time for him to sort his work life so that he can have more time for his personal life.

I told him that I didn’t want to be an option. He said I am not an option. However i think he meant that there’s no other girls. But I meant that, i want him to prioritize our relationship, should we get back together. Because I felt like I am in competition with his job.

I understand that we are here in this place mainly for jobs. But, I want to be his priority too. But I just can’t ask that of him in fear that he will always choose his job.

Should I just continue with moving on? Or Should I believe him and wait? dunno

Comments (42)

I think just be
That means be yourself without expectations about your tomorrows. Listen within, your feelings, vibrations and go with the flow.
Turn the music off, still your mind and observe your feelings and vibrations, happiness is within, its not outside and not dependent upon others its withincomfort
missChelli
Thank you Robplum. That’s insightful.

You see, i am happy by myself. When I was with him, i am happy when we were together. But when we are not, it feels like he forgets I exist. And I want to be happy with the relationship everyday, and not only on the days that he decide he has the time for me.

Its difficult. Maybe this is a lesson of self control? Where I have to learn say no to those that are not good for me no matter how much I want it? confused
missChelli
https://youtu.be/v3qOmgTfscg
I wouldn't expect much to change, people tend to get set in their ways. If you were his priority, he'd have done something about it. On the other hand, maybe he wants to be in a better position in order to be a provider, but bearing in mind where you are, he's not going to be poor, so money is the likely priority.
Jaavisst
If he is from the same country as you and you can live together in The Phillipines then I guess you can work on the relationship. If he is an Arab forget about it. He will never marry you.
Johnny_Sparton
Hello Mc,

Me personally, I think it is difficult to offer advice on relationships between people. The reason being, it is really a matter of preference between the two people in the relationship. Everybody is unique and everybody has their own unique sets of do's and don'ts. For example, I might be able to accept my girlfriend sleeping with every Tom, d*ck, and Harry....whereas another man might not. (Of course, that is an extreme example).

It sounds like you are pressuring him to commit for your own personal preference to address what you feel is missing from the past relationship. There is nothing wrong with that. By the sounds of that, he has yet to offer you what you are looking for. ....and that is a don't for you. I think it boils down to how important is this for you and what are you willing to accept from him. And with that, only you have the answer to that...and how important is that (commitment) to make you feel satisfied (happy) in the relationship.

Can you give him time to determine things? Maybe Have you already given him time before and hence that is why he is you ex? Maybe It is something you will have to give careful thought to I suspect.



dunno
Ged1971
Misschilli, romance is even more complicated than friendship, but if we deal with friendship then the picture becomes more clear for romance.
Most people have a friend or friends whom they can call day or night, and vice versa. If you understand this first then consider a friend who can and will call you when it occurs to them or pleases them. You listen to them and take interest. If you then continue with some other topic then they seem to be in a hurry. Also most times when you phone them they either don't answer or they are in a hurry. This person is not a friend and never will be because it is already obvious that they don't have you in the real friend category.
If you apply this logic to a romantic relationship, which should be far more important than a good friendship you should be able to see the answer.
You have children, yes or no?
You are apart - yes Why?
Being together agian is possible but before not? Why?
Just ask yourself ... something has changed?
I would ask him straight out "how often do you wanna meet per month?"
And if his reply sounds satisfactory to your ideas then you start it up and if he disappoint again,
you cut him out forever.
Can't you simply enjoy his company rather than demand big picture stuff ?
Every big picture is made up of individual brush strokes. Enjoy those strokes. grin
The picture paints itself.

You said you enjoy your time with him and you enjoy your time alone.
Yet, when you are dating when you aren't together you worry.
Stop worrying.
Enjoy whatever time you can have together and see what develops without expectations
and without it interfering with dating other people, who might be more available for
more time together. Let the relationship define itself, rather than being stressful about it
and thus adding stress to it, which is not fun for either of you. Your stress drives him away. Is that really what you want ?
LaFonda
That is who he is. Accept or leave.

Think of the reasons why he is your EX. If those problems remains, then nothing has change.
missChelli
Thank you for all your insightful comments everyone. Things are a little more clear. I guess I will need to think of what I can accept and what I cannot. If it is ok with me to go on with him without the pressure of putting a label on a relationship. Or if I should just move on totally. Our situation is unique, yes. And he isn’t from the same country as I am.

We will see. I can’t be impulsive in this though.

Thank you everyone. angel wave wine
Butcher559
Lafonda's advice is pretty good MissC, he's your ex for a reason or 2..
When you give him criteria of the do's and dont's of a relationship you are boxing him in the corner and he will fear failure.

Why do you need to "define" the relationship. It's a man and a woman and they like each other. That is definition enough in the beginning.

It appears that he likes you but is afraid of commitment. You need to respect that because if you don't you will give him an ultimatum that you might regret.

Give him so space so he can miss you....
I'm guessing she did, as she described him being her "ex".
missChelli
I give him plenty of space. I don’t txt him or call him when he doesn’t do it first because i might be disturbing him. Also I message him only when something comes up. And even so, he messages me at an average of 5-7 days.

I asked him if he even remembers me anytime in those 5 days, and he said of course. He just feels like there’s nothing important to talk about. Or he fears that the conversation might go in and on and he will have no work done. I swear sometimes it sounds like an excuse. But I understand he’s busy.

I don’t know if Im being kind or naive.
To me if a man is really into you he will make time to send a text or a quick phone call whether it be an ex or any other situation for that matter...He will go out of his way..If he doesn't then he's not into you.
Sounds useless.
Disbalance detected.

By now with all you said I would advice you to move on.

FWB is not your thing right? You want full / all / real and romantic yes?

I suspect your getting together this time was brought about by the wrong motives.

Dump.
Or suffer.
Getting back with an exuh oh Not the best move to make...unless maybe the sex is mindblowingdunno grin
missChelli
That’s the thing. I didn’t hold on because he doesn’t provide what I need from him. And that’s not the fancy dinners, or expensive gifts, or how good we look together. I want his attention and affection. I certainly get those when we are together. But it doesn’t happen often. I give him the benefit of the doubt because he truly is busy and he lives far. Like 40mins - 1 hour. I may even be just making these excuses for him. I don’t know.

I certainly don’t want to be FWB or casual with him or anyone for that matter. Sometimes I think it’s my fault for letting him get away with being absentee. I want to be considerate, but it’s taking a toll on my own needs.

Or maybe I’m overthinking things? Maybe I should take this at face value and just base my decision to what I receive? It sounds shallow.
Maybe you both want different things...confused You want serious...maybe wedding bells and maybe he just wants casual...meet up from time to time and enjoy sex playdunno
Ged1971
Or maybe you are under-thinking things, could there be someone else?
Calliopesgirl
walk away
For me , once is an X , supposed to be always an X... If there was a break up , then there must be some serious reason behind it...

So getting back with the same person is like inviting the same problems in life all over again... So the question remains , Is it worthy ?

But then again , it's totally my personal opinion... Every individual and every situation is different... So it would be better to decide accordingly...
If you ask him to move to you he will not right, cos job.
If you ask him if you should quit your job and move to him what will he answer?

(btw how long did you two date and how long ago was it? was it the same distance then?)
grin bouquet I think I feel a song coming on...
Else you should read Johnny's blog: would I should I could I
missChelli
It was also more than a year of dating. Nothing too crazy. I am always firm with my decision. Even when I broke up with my 4-year bf. But I don’t know why I seem to lose all discipline with this one! I hate to admit it.

I took a stand when I broke up with him. But he’s coming back. He disturbed my silence. doh
What I'm trying to get across is: since it takes two to tango it does not help if you do 80% of the dance if he is only putting in his 20. And with your intelligence you know how to test him of a 40-45% input, sure you can be a bit more eager than him, but... this might be tooo far off a marriage situation.
Check him really please, and when the results are in believe them!

I wish you the best in finding out!

hug
Wa! Kylie - what a woman, what a performer! I remember her singing at the Sydney Olympic opening ceremony...
Oh, the sweat on the chest, just sensational - dirty old man me!
MrBoDangles
Being a Catholic from Asia and your ex Boyfriend, assuming of course that he's a Muslim from Saudi Arabia.....what were you expecting Miss Chelli? How many wives/girlfriends are the limit?

It's almost like but not quite.......what's good for the goose is good for the grandiose gander.

I reckon you should get with your ex's best friend and make woopy and watch him squirm whilst his best mate pumps his sperm.

Apparently, according to some cultures, religions etc etc........it's au natural to have a few wenches on the side but when it comes to the matrimony side of things?

My advice would be, as a lay man of course. Put on your feck-me boots, dress in a French maids outfit and throw caution to the wind.

teddybear
MrBoDangles
"Stay or Walk Away?"

There's an old saying, well, to be honest, there's heaps of old sayings but in NZ we use the honest to goodness mantra......."Spray and Walk Away"

missChelli
He is muslim, but he isn’t saudi. I know better than to take saudi men seriously. Also, i am never the kind of person to just throw caution to the wind. I could be impulsive on shopping, but not on things that will affect my morality, values, principles, or future.

Before I got with him, I knew what I was getting into. Taking into consideration the difference of our religion and culture. But the issue that I have really boils down to the personal level. Of his readiness maybe or choices.
MrBoDangles
"Also, i am never the kind of person to just throw caution to the wind. I could be impulsive on shopping, but not on things that will affect my morality, values, principles, or future."

She sells sea shells on the sea shore.

Forget the wind, forget throwing caution to the wind as well. Just throw your nickers in the wind.
Let's be honest here Miss Shelly, we all love dirty laundry. Hence the internet.

Joking aside. Why not just talk to your ex and say EXACTLY what you've been saying to us amongst the billions of peeps in internet land?

Easier said than done I suppose? dunno

The show must go on wave
missChelli
I did talk to him. And he asked me to wait for him.
Please keep in mind that the 'advice' you are getting comes from CS members, and they are not CS members for having long and fruitful relationships.
rolling on the floor laughing rolling on the floor laughing rolling on the floor laughing
And that a 53 year old describing french maid outfits is pretty weird unless he was inadvertently put in a time capsule bypassing all 1950s fantasizes but then again he listens to Dean Martin music.
Is this a pressing matter because you have entertained ideas from others better suited to yours.thumbs up
MrBoDangles
@the hipster

"And that a 53 year old describing french maid outfits is pretty weird unless he was inadvertently put in a time capsule bypassing all 1950s fantasizes but then again he listens to Dean Martin music."

Exactly, pretty kinky don't ya think. Fantastic.

Wasn't so much the french maid outfits that got my juices flowing, it was how Ron Jeremy played his cameo.

Hey, speaking of cameo's. Let's do brunch some time rolling on the floor laughing
missChelli Contributions
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