Eternal Sunshine, spotless mind

i think i understand now why the guy in that Jim Carry movie wanted to erase all the memories of his exgirlfriend. it makes sense to me now, because how can you ever have hope that you will love someone else when you are still in love with the one you lost? i feel that even if i somehow manage to date someone else, as unlikely as that is apparently, i know that i will always still love my ex. thats just not going to go away. and to erase those memories would not just be about being free from the pain of not having her in my life, it would be freedom from the pain of knowing she is out there being happy with other guys. yes of course i want her to be happy, but i want to be the one who makes her happy. i think that is one thing that i will miss most, being comforting to her. and that is one thing that i really really wish i had done more. its strange but i think that in some way, i may have pushed her away, for fear of losing her. that sounds odd but i think that may have had something to do with it. i fell in love with her, and it may have been a little scary for me. but i dont really understand it all. there are many reasons that i got dumped. she was probably too young and inexperienced in dating, i had trust issues, her parents didnt like me, it was a long distance relationship, on and on. basically the cards were stacked against us. and i wish now that i had never let myself picture us growing old together, as one of those old couples walking hand in hand in the park. because im right back where i was before i found her, alone and lonely, except now i must bear the burden of the memories of a girl i love but dont have.