'Missed' motherhood...Should there be any regrets?

Sitting on my bed next to my dog Sweetie Pie has made me think about my maternal abilities, and how they would, mostly obviously, pale in the light of true "motherhood". My own mother was a wise, fierce woman who kept us 5 (now 4) "in line", and did a great job of that until we each took the reigns ourselves, did so much to provide for us. She wouldn't have had it so hard if my father had been a better husband to her (he was a drunk who resented her so he physically, verbally and mentally abused her), so she had to divorce him.

I had a fear of getting married for many years (spousal abuse seemed quite rampant, and tolerated, at that time), and motherhood sort of factored in there too due to an inherited medical condition. It was strongly suggested that I avoid having children, so I 'avoided'. Over the years, I have revisited those suggestions and have asked myself whether I did the right thing....I sometimes feel that I've 'missed out'...but I always conclude that I may have actually "dodged a bullet", especially after my marriage failed. I don't think that I was ever really in the 'space' I needed to be in to benefit a child/children of my loins. Should I have regrets though?

Did I mention that it was hard for my mother?...yes, it was. I know that she had some regrets, perhaps some of them were about motherhood too...
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Comments (17)

Didi7 Only you can answer that. I would love to answer you by telling you a bit about my own mother who did not bring me up but if you have to ask should you have regrets ? I find that unusual and I do understand how you feel. Nobody can answer that for you but yourself.
I did not have children. I had a total hysterectomy quite early in life well just 40 and of course it meant no kids. At the time being young and haing a busy life it did not bother me much but I was mad about Cats and animals and I see now where my maternal nature went.
I do love kids and get on with toddlers and teenagers, I love kids. However , I do realise things happen for a reason. It is not for everyone to have a child or children and there are many mothers who had kids and are not maternal and many women who are very maternal and had no kids because the time was not right or they did not or could not conceive etc.,
Don't think you are no less of a woman. You seem to be a loving person and you are very brave and open to write his blog to relative strangers. Get a good therapist or counsellor and work out your childhood which was not a great one through no fault of your mother.

You came though a lot and are here today, happy with your life or as happy as we can be in todays world.
You are right in that the abuse of women in marriage and violence and drinking is still a great problem .
You can't change history. You can be happy without a child. I would have liked to have a baby, I was maternal. However, my own parents marriage was far from happy. They are now dead. I really wish you the best and start loving yourself. You deserve to look after the little girl too who had to watch the drunkeness and a mother who had it hard. I wish you the very best. You don't have to be a mother to be maternal. I hope this has been of some help. x
Thank you for your kind words of comfort Goldengloss. I really appreciate your sharing a bit of your own history with me. I know that I am not alone in my thinking, but sometimes it does feel as though I am.

God bless.angel love
There will always be a "what might have been" feeling especially when you watch a doting mother with a beautifully-behaved child, or an older mother relying on her kid(s) and loved by her grandchildren. Real success is rare, most families aren't automatic success stories and there's no guarantee you will always even like your own offspring, or be liked by them. Most kids are hard work and very expensive to raise, and then go on to their own lives. Very few turn out perfectly.

As you come from a big family hopefully you have nieces and nephews, I sometimes think the very best option of all is being a favourite aunt, all the fun of family and a lot less stress.

bouquet
Suziecute, I agree with you about the uncertainty of having a positive experience with motherhood.

As for nieces and nephews, unfortunately, only one of my siblings have kids - 2 girls - one of who lives in the US (in her thirties now), and the other who lives quite a distance away from me (in her twenties now). I lived away from them during their formative years so I've never really had the opportunity to be that "favourite aunt".

My Sweetie Pie is more than enough for now....love
How do Didi wave
sometimes things go wrong for right reasons, may take time to appreciate and recognize such meaning but sometimes we may never know and rather than just accept, we tend to look back questioning regret.

Perhaps your medical condition was an unknown misunderstood reason, that done right for you.

Not every woman needs motherhood to relate to or fulfil her sense of longing or belonging....
she just needs to choose wisely for herself, that's all.. nothing more wine

I bet that it is tough thing to think about regarding motherhood. Raising kids is a tough thankless job sometimes and forbid if there is a tragedy at the loss of one. You escaped all the grief of raising kids if that is any comfort. The world is over populated anyways.
Thank you CW64, your encouragement is truly appreciated.hug angel
The world really is overpopulated indeed:). Thank you for your keen perspective UnFayzed.hug love
In my personal opinion , motherhood is not about just biologically giving birth to your own child..

Motherhood is all about the motherly feelings and actions of a person ...

If someone has done the good jobs of being a kind and caring person , who can taught kids the true meaning and lessons of life , can show them the right direction , can take all challenges and responsibility against all the odds to raise the kid as a real human ,
Then..
Even if She has never gave birth to anyone biologically , shall be qualified as a True Mother above all..

The same thing applies for fatherhood as well..

Also it's not gender specific either..
We can see that , even a man can raise a child both as mother and father all alone and can do a better job than any biological mother...

It's not about physical ability..
It's all about intentions and actions ...
So there should be no reason to regret in my personal opinion ..

You know ! Here in my place , fathers call their little daughters as "Maa"(mother).. Not because they are really the mother ..
But cuz those little kids actually act like the True Mother for their grown up Dad !!! wave
There is always adopion. I was adopted at the tender age of 38 and I had a good relationship with my new father. I mean, you don't have to adopt a baby. You can adopt older children. You still have 20-30 years to spoil your "baby"!
I knew as a teen I had no interest in kids. Find babies gross unless they have feathers or fur. My dad did not want kids. I was mom's idea. Both parents were wonderful..dad learned.
I grew up with adults, or kids my age or older. No interest in pregnancy,labor and then being responsible for a kid for 18 years. No maternal instinct AT ALL. I said there are women out there who are born mothers. Let her have a couple extra and do a better job raising them than me.
Mom was bummed..our line ends with you. So? All humans are related from the origins. And after a couple gens, all one becomes is a photo that no one knows nor cares about.
I wonder what my kids would have been like, of course. But, as life progressed, saw issues that could have turned poorly for kids. Like an ex who was a Peter Pan. My second husband with inherited MS and cancers and heart issues.
Kids are a crap shoot. Raise them right and they turn bad. Raise them bad and they turn good. Your great kid gets killed young in a wreck or a war for rich men. Gamble I never wanted to take. And the way the world is today, glad I will die and leave no one behind to suffer.
OMG! blues I did it the other way around, got four. I bet one will be sucsessful and I already have a grandchild!
Don't be so hard on yourself Didi. You followed your doctor's advice and at the time decided not to bring a child into the world. Now as time goes on you question yourself if you did the right thing. You are an intelligent lady and write interesting threads but I'm guessing that you are lonely. Perhaps you think that at this time in your life a child would fulfill your happiness. Let me tell you from my own experience children will not always be there to comfort you.

Sweetie Pie is fulfilling your needs by you giving her a good life. She appreciates you and needs you. Isn't that what we all want.......to be needed.

You don't need a title to make a positive difference in the world. hug angel2
"Raise them right and they turn bad. Raise them bad and they turn good. Your great kid gets killed young in a wreck or a war for rich men. Gamble I never wanted to take. And the way the world is today, glad I will die and leave no one behind to suffer."

This is so sad, but so true as well...sad sad
Thank you SA09 for your kind words; you are quite insightful...sometimes I do feel lonely and wonder about that 'missed' experiencesad hmmm
In my personal opinion , motherhood is not about just biologically giving birth to your own child..

Thank you for your perspective Tanzila...for about 15 years as a primary/elementary school teacher I had that sort of 'mothering' experience. Taking care of students' learning needs was paramount, but caring for them in all other ways (e.g. feeding, protecting, encouraging, etc) was also very important. very happy
There is always adopion. I was adopted at the tender age of 38 and I had a good relationship with my new father. I mean, you don't have to adopt a baby. You can adopt older children. You still have 20-30 years to spoil your "baby"![/quote

Yes there is, but (unfortunately) I'm no longer in a relationship or mental space that could accommodate that option....
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Didi7

Central, Chaguanas, Trinidad and Tobago

I am a mature, self-secure Christian woman who enjoys the simple things in life such as watching interesting movies and comedy shows, listening to gospel music, sharing in great food, and having good conversation. [read more]