Some things I’ve learnt along the way…(pt. 4)

Over the last 20-30 years or so, I’ve had some ‘eye-opening/mind-changing’ revelations about myself and my life. Some of those revelations are about my relationship with myself, with my immediate family, with ‘ex’ friends and with an ‘ex’ husband – and are very personal. Others were revealed to me through observations, mistakes and other challenges that I experienced along the way.

Just after we were wed, my husband informed me that I was no longer an “Independent” woman. That thought actually made me feel sad, and even brought tears to my eyes. However, I was already married and resolved to make it work. After all, why should being inter-dependant be a bad thing? I tried, but it was difficult to let go of my independent nature; I was so accustomed to making my own decisions that I still did so frequently and automatically. And he was displeased. Then I became co-dependant which was unhealthy; I became ‘clingy’, and that only made things worse (for us both).
When our marriage ended and I had regained control over myself and the few things that I still owned, I felt that I had become alive again. It was as though I had been holding in my breath before, but could now breathe out. It had nothing to do with finances because I had none, had no full-time work and was completing the final year of my second Bachelors degree. That marriage experience has caused me to have a ‘fear’ of what marrying a second time may do to me in my fierce need to remain independent.

*Letting go of one’s Independence to become co/interdependent, can be difficult for someone who’s very attached to it.

I’m not a perfectionist, but I don’t like myself when I make foolish mistakes or wrong assumptions/presumptions. I expect better of myself, yet don’t always do better. Then I feel very disappointed and, based upon the nature of my error/faux pas, would ‘stew’ over it for days, months and even years. Introspection helps me work through a lot, but Over-thinking seems to be my ‘kryptonite’. I’ve looked back on my life and feel sure that I “dropped the ball” too many times.
However, realizing that there is no profit in ’beating-up’ myself about such things slowly came to me, and I’m working on changing that…daily. I often have to engage in “self-speak” and remind myself that what’s done is done; fix what I can and move on. Take better care of ‘me’, and don’t punish myself unnecessarily. I am what I am…’imperfect’.

*I have to accept myself, and learn to love me (flaws and all).