She's just a friend......

There's always a fine line here......but where exactly is that line? dunno I think with generation after generation, that line is getting thinner and thinner as relationships and marriages slowly seem to lose value in today's world. The divorce rate has gotten sky high and has just become the norm if marriage is even a factor at all. sigh My opinions on this will probably end up further on the s/hitlist, but with the way this week's been, it just doesn't even matter.....fire away. Anywho......Where was I....yes...that fine line professor ....

Where do you draw the line? What, in your opinion, is considered cheating?
Do you physically have to catch them in bed with someone else?
What if they go to another man/woman's house alone who they said is a friend of theirs? (but without you)
Or if they flirt with seemingly "harmless" verbal s*xual inuendos with friends of the opposite sex?
Chatting with another man/woman online for hours?
What if they seem to hide their phone from you so you don't see their messages? Are you really being nosey though? Why should they feel the need to hide it in the first place? confused

In my past experience, those relationships with men that have lots of lady friends never really ended well....either they ended up crossing that "friendship line" a little too closely or the women would get involved in the relationship and put their nose where it shouldn't have been. Every. Time. And of course, it's always said "she's just a friend" ....was she really? Or just a back up plan stashed away for when things started to get a little rough in your own relationship?

I don't know....my parents were married till death did they part, may they rest in peace heart wings ....and that was a mighty long time. They never had these problems then. My mom would never go to some male friend's house....and my dad would never go out and grab lunch with some other woman. They wouldn't have phone conversations with an outside friend....Did they have friends of the opposite sex? Sure! Absolutely! ....but, out of respect, they would get together with these friends as a couple. They'd go out with friends all the time.....go to dances, bowling, out to dinner....yes, with friends, often....but, they did it together...as a couple. Their friends respected that line....which was so much clearer then.

Some will say, things were different then. Life was different. Well, I say....it sure was! Because then, there was more respect. There was more loyalty. The relationships and marriages were much stronger and held more importance. But was that really so bad? Did it really need changing? ...or has our "new and improved" outlook only deadened the hearts of many and killed off the morality of that once loving bond....

Well.....I guess I'm a little old school on this. I've never adapted to the modernized take on such relationships....and I never will. I live by the roles of the old society within the home and relationships. ...such a dying breed, indeed. conversing

wine

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Comments (63)

Not sure if there are any hard fast answers on this but if your gut says something is wrong, there probably is. Listen to it as it sometimes knows things you don't.
Of course there aren't any hard fast answers these days.....because if you have to be put in a spot where you're only left to rely on your gut, there's already a problem and that fine line has been crossed somewhere. There shouldn't even be doubts on loyalty. That's the problem, no? dunno wave
This iconic 1986 hit : "Just a friend of mine" (Vaya con Dios, sung by Dani Klein)



illustrates it all.

Both 'he' and 'she' are 'just a friend of mine'.
There should never be doubts about loyalty.
I'm very black and white on this
I have a message on my phone, honey, my hands are busy, can you check it for me, please
No privacy lock on my phone
You don't feel comfortable with me talking to so and so? Ok, let's talk about it...if it bothers you then I completely understand. I'm sorry.
You are my priority
With me, you should never have doubts
If I care about someone, how they feel affects my actions
I'm very simple.
scold dancing dancing dancing dancing
You're right....there shouldn't. Things should be very clear from the start. Why give reason, right?
Its been a while since I been in a relationship but from what I remember from my last one, I always told her who I was talking to, she had access to all of my email and social media, and she done the same for me. There was 100% trust on both sides. The relationship fell apart when I went into a depression but I never doubted her and as far as I know, she never doubted me. It was great.
That is loyalty when you feel comfortable enough to share your communications with one another...involving your partner. How it should be hug wave
We had access, but neither of us went snooping. Had no reason to.
What, in your opinion, is considered cheating?
When in doubt the Good Book always has the answers to your questions....
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh. on a woman to lust after her hath committed. adultery with her already in his heart. Matthew 5:27-28

Christians think Jesus was more lenient/tolerant, but I think the opposite.....

Muslims have the right idea....
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Burka and can be the rave at the next Halloween party.....multi-use laugh
But just the idea that the access was there is open permission from either of you...which means there was nothing being hidden. ...and just that openness to do so is enough. thumbs up
It was good. I know a lot of couples who have passwords on their phones and keep them from their SO's, its shady.
Yes, I remember that verse quite well thumbs up ....just to lust after another in thoughts and mind is cheating. One excuse I could never stand was "I'm a guy, it's normal" to check out women. ....has been "normal"ized too much. When I am with someone, personally, I can never look at someone else in that way. ...I suppose for the same reason I could never have a one night stand...never did and never will. It's like, I can't look at someone and feel, "I want that"...and instantly feel attracted with some man I don't know all that well. I just don't have that mindset.

Though not sure if muslims have the right idea with a burka laugh ....women shouldn't have to cover themselves completely so as not to be hounded by those meat hungry vultures who claim to be men (not saying all men are vultures, so not everyone jump on me for that one laugh ) However....I just may consider the burka in the future to weed out those that are rolling on the floor laughing rolling on the floor laughing rolling on the floor laughing wink
That's what I mean.....and it's sad, really, it's become so normal these days to do that....and when they do, they just accuse their SO of being too jealous about it, thinking they shouldn't be snooping in their business. What business is so private that you have to put it under lock and key from your own SO? The one person you should be able to trust with anything....why would ya do that? doh roll eyes
I can't speak for anyone else but I don't use passwords and if something makes me use a password, I would tell my SO as I did before. If I ever found myself in a situation where I wanted to be with other people, I would end the relationship because something isn't working like its suppose to.
Check this out: from a respected Anna Von Reitz
an excerpt from her blog

The Great Sin is also known as "the pollution of the blood".

Pollution of the blood comes about in many ways. For example, if a woman has many lovers, each one of them leaves behind traces of his DNA, and that DNA not only compromises her immune system, but may replicate at random in her offspring.

Bear in mind, we didn't know this factoid scientifically until the last twenty years, but we have been told this by ancient historical documents and religious taboos for centuries. How did our distant ancestors know this?

The obvious answer is that they had learned about "pollution of the blood" either because they themselves had become scientifically as savvy as we are now, or because some other more advanced society explained it to them.

In any event, they knew. And they warned us, vehemently, not to pollute the blood.
I agree wholeheartedly. If there are differences that just can't be worked out and ya find yourself looking elsewhere, then yes, it may just be time to end things. Not all relationships are going to work. When I was married, my exhusband and I had hit a rough spot in our marriage which led him to be chatting online very often. ....and because of his frequency online, things only worsened so we separated and I had moved out. After being separated for a year, we finally ended up getting a divorce. Within 3 months after our divorce, he married the woman he was chatting online with. But karma had caught up with him and just a few years later, she left him for someone else and their marriage had again, ended in divorce. And it was then that he returned to me, thinking I'd accept him back with open arms. I told him it wasn't happening...of course. But, I had to ask him....why? What would make you do such a thing, I really wanted to know the reason. Well....he said to me, "because I didn't want to be alone" ....but he was never alone. He was still married to me. Instead of trying to work things out and talk to me, he turned to someone else.....so things get hard....and in every marriage there will be ups and downs. So he decided to create that safety net in someone else because our marriage had hit a rough spot....that only caused more damage. And now, he IS alone....because of the choices that he made. Karma dunno
That is very interesting to read. Thank you wine I do see truth in it.
What a piece of shit. Guess you saw your place in his life, huh. He will always be what he is, best thing that ever happened to you was separating from him, you found out his true nature.
Some will justify eatin ain't cheatin
Yet, to consider the human race and its morality that is in question today.

When it comes to loyalty today, people are loyal only of their need of you. Once their needs change so does their loyalty.
Once you can't provide what they came for or see they won't get anything from you predators will eventually leave to seek out new victims.

This new school today is all about taking advantage of the weak and gullible.

Today it's all about the Golden rule those who have the gold make the rules.

Today in a world of entitlement women feel what's between their legs is a commodity to be priced based on what a fool is willing to pay.

Yet, they cry daily for some fool to live up to their unrealistic expectations. Of course the boys may have their unrealistic expectations and over inflated egos, and at the end of the day 80% of the population on dating social sites like this are not shagging anyone.

Overall, many cheat themselves by not using this site or others of the intended purposes.

Instead they use it to seek out vulnerable people who are perceived as angry miserable losers
who are basically undesirable deplorables. Yet, predators looking for a handout will use clever tactics to smooth their way into their laid out trap.

Many may b*tch about the scammers and their clever ways. Yet, to some it's a business and if it wasn't working they wouldn't be doing it.

They make it a career and search through all the blogs and forums and profiles in their search for potential victims.

Because of social media and the way We are being conditioned to believe what the media moguls want us to believe people are in conflict within themselves.

The contradictions to say hey, come to connecting singles or plenty of fish or match or mingle to suggest there are so many places and choices to consider where to find a mate.

30 yrs ago people met face to face through church or bars or social gatherings that forced people to actually engage in person with others.

Today with the internet you just create a fake profile to hide behind with a false idea of yourself and enumerate all the qualities you may want in a partner. Yet, those qualities are everything you as an individual want to become. Or at least have someone show you that you already are those qualities.

People today lost their identity and so they create new ones. This woke identity crap and s*xual identity nonsense where kids think they are more feminine or masculine, could be more a plea that they are just tired of the role they were given.

Or as some would suggest that as new borns age they become self aware rather early that they may have been a different gender in a previous life. Who knows?

Overall, I think people today are divorced of understanding who they are or what they want in life. We are exposed to so much crap these days and social media and politicians advertisers even religion use much psychology to induce what to think and buy and believe.

So, we may look at the relationship stats of people. We trade partners like cars. Dating sites are nothing but, used car dealerships. Only the product are people. We have to do our own marketing to sell an idea about how wonderful we think we are to convince someone to pay attention to us. We never know what's going on under the hood. Or the real motives why people here.
We just place a bit of shiny ideas on our resume and maybe a pretty pic and hope maybe we catch someone off guard.

Does anyone really think that CS cares if anyone hooks up? What they care mostly are the banner ads that make revenue to keep this site going.

Overall, we are here loitering around for the next story, the next new profile, the next new joke, the next new forum or blog of useless information.

Yet, the old saying goes laugh and the world laughs with you and mostly at you. Cry and you cry alone. professor
Yes, it was my one and only marriage. I did try to work things out as best I could but that effort has to be reciprocated in order for anything to come of it. Lesson learned, I suppose. dunno wine
One other thing to consider enigma regarding your story often times people within a relationship or marriage can feel very much alone. Mostly of poor communication and that is often the failure.

Men will not admit their vulnerabilities to women. People are alone because they are separated from their God their connection to the source of life and love.

Nobody believes anymore. Once betrayed that element of trust is lost. Once betrayed people often do not trust in new relationships. Hence, people do not want to start new relationships because they can often assume that any new relationship will be like their past failures.
Ahh, grim outlook albeit true. Sorry, had to trim a little off your original comment because CS thinks it's too long and I had no room to type a response rolling on the floor laughing ...but you are correct. So many have used dating sites as a way to hide from their own reality....and hanging their latest photo as if to scream out "pick me! pick me!" ....hiding behind a profile that just advertises who they want people to see rather than who they truly are. I've fell into that trap before. I've snapped back to reality several times in the past. Back to my roots of the woman my parents raised me to be. I've lived, I've learned..not to fall back into that trap again. Which is why when I am physically in a relationship, they are my priority....my relations to social media comes to a halt and I learn to love what is already there in front of me...within the privacy of my own physical life. wave handshake
Again, you are absolutely right. I tried communicating with him....I tried getting him to talk about things that bothered him. I cared about what was on his mind and what was causing him to resort to that magnetic screen. I only felt alone because I wasn't the one my husband was turning to during those rough times. But I still remained 100% faithful and I wanted it to work. And his lack of communication about those vulnerabilities is what had pulled him away from the one person that loved him the most. He lost that belief....he lost my trust...his actions had made him physically alone. I'm hesitant in starting new relationships although it's not an impossibility. ....though I see people as all being individual and unique. There's always a chance that they won't be like the last....because everyone is different. So, despite my hesitancy to start a relationship, once I actually do get into that relationship, my partner is given the benefit of a doubt and has my trust completely, until I'm given reason to think otherwise.....but then once, and only once, that trust is gone, so am I. I don't give 2nd, 3rd and 4th chances to the same person....I'm not a doormat. If you've cheated once, that's all it takes. I call them my "unforgivables" .....1. Lying 2. Cheating and 3. Abuse. All three are preventable, deliberate acts and are unforgivable IMO....other things are mostly misunderstandings that can usually be worked out....because no one is perfect. wine
s*xual infidelity I could live with to some extent. Let's say it was looking at porn or even sexting with someone you don't care about, you just think is sexy.

Love infidelity I can't live with. Sexting with the same person every night and thinking about them all day long? I reckon you'd rather be in a relationship with them.

At the end of the day I'd have to judge each case on its merits. Certain things become more forgivable when I know you would have given your life for me. A girlfriend who watches porn seems like a good thing anyway, but all the more when she stands by me when the worst happens. If you were there for me in the hard time, I shan't be giving you a hard time. Does this answer your question?
Relationships are a two way street, both have to be equally into it for it to work.
Yes, it does answer my question, but I can't say that I'd agree with it. dunno How can you love someone who lusts after someone else? Whether it be s*xual infidelity or love infidelity....it's still infidelity, no matter how you look at it.

A good friend would give their life for you. A good friend would stand by you when the worst happens. A good friend would be there during a hard time. But a good friend is platonic. A good friend shouldn't lust after you. Because....they are just your good friend. Now....here's the difference.......in a relationship, a boyfriend, a girlfried, husband or wife...in that person you have your good friend...but also in that person, you have the man/woman who lusts after you and only you. In that person you have that good friend, that sex, that love...all in one. Why would you need to lust after another? I can only hope I've worded all that right and it makes sense uh oh laugh .....but you shouldn't even have to look elsewhere when you have all of the above standing before you....if you're looking elsewhere then maybe you shouldn't be with the person in the first place JMO dunno
Exactly...but one would think, if he wasn't equally into it, shouldn't have made his vows in the first place. Seems I was sure but he wasn't apparently roll eyes
No, he wasn't into it. Its sad you had to go through that with him, though I am glad you never went back.
What you describe is emotional cheating.

They turn to someone else for comfort. ...
They grow a deeper connection with someone else besides you. ...
They're defensive or secretive about a relationship. ...
Sudden lack of desire. ...
Increased — and seemingly unexplained — irritability. ...
They don't want to “put the time or work” into the relationship.

35 % of women do it and 45% of men.

I remember a survey I read that stated a woman would rather discover her husband or boyfriend was visiting a prostitute once a week just for sex than discover that he was in an emotional relationship with another woman with no sex.
Ayep.....suppose that was 8 years of my life wasted. Part of me hopes he learned from it, anyway.....
As I said, love infidelity and s*xual infidelity ...is still infidelity no matter how ya look at it. Even a man visiting a prostitute once a week while they are married is absolutely disheartening to me. Emotional relations or not...still infidelity. I wouldn't call it "emotional cheating" ...because whether he's turning elsewhere for comfort, sex, deeper connection, desire...whatever the reason, it's still cheating and still affects the emotions at the same level, no more, no less. It's betrayal. If one doesn't want to "put the time or work" into a relationship with someone, then they should just enjoy their meaningless flings instead of being in a relationship or marriage....can't have the cake and eat it too. That's when people get hurt. dunno wave
Hopefully so he don't keep doing it to other women. If not, let karma take care of it and laugh while its happening wine
Karma has already taken care of one mishap for him that I know of......though can't say I have it in me to laugh at the misfortune of another...after all, I did love him once. wine
That was before he played shit head with you, nothing wrong with loving him before it went sour.
True....but I would not allow myself to become bitter when things go sour. I try to be the better person thumbs up wave
Nothing good comes from being bitter conversing
Exactly.....if you let life's experiences make you bitter, then you only stand to deaden your heart, piece by piece, making you numb.
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lllllEnigmalllll

lllllEnigmalllll

Meriden, Connecticut, USA

The dating nightmare... "Let's be friends, just friends. I'm not ready for a relationship but I expect you to do things with me considered inapropriate in terms of a friendship. We're not together, you can't claim me, you can't be with anyone but me. [read more]

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created Nov 17
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