The Kitchen Floor (inspired by KK)

Housework has never been on my list of preferred activities but I can be triggered to action unexpectedly. When the urge takes me I frequently follow through with it.

I read a book on zen and the kitchen once which suggested that you clean your kitchen from top to bottom before starting to cook; cook, then clean the kitchen from top to bottom again. I tried it once. I had an exceptionally clean kitchen between lunch and dinner that day then subsided to my usual practise of cleaning the stove and counters after cooking, and always washing the chopping board, knives and other utensils before using them. Just in case.

Anything more than that has to wait for the weekly go round, the monthly half deep cleaning; or the half yearly rip the place to pieces and hope to get it back together before I tire of the game kind of cleaning.

The kitchen floor however is something else altogether. Kitchen floors have built-in dirt magnets installed. Every two and a half inches. I know the spacing because that's the size of the areas that behave like normal flooring in that they don't develop layers of grime while you walk from the sink to the refrigerator.

And I would love to know who invented tiles with sunken textures and recommended them for use in a kitchen! A place where spills and splashes and eggs jumping out of the rack to their untimely (and unusable) smash to the floor - or even the occasionally successful and equally crushing dive and grab that I perform all unthinking - are the rule rather than the exception.

Then there is garbage. Bags that leak, that break, that slip from hasty fingers generously depositing their largesse in a staggered curve across the floor. The errant coffee cup that admires falling eggs and follows suit for no apparent reason, no one is near, the earth did not move. Just the cup. Now smashed.

To clean the kitchen floor requires planning and patience. Two buckets, a scrub brush and two mops. A drying cloth is nice but not required, although using one is very good for triceps and eliminating any upper arm swing years like to give to us. Bleach and hot water are essential because oils float secretly and hide on the floor along the edges of appliances to create strange dams of grime that elbow grease alone can never shift.

First clear the decks, empty the sinks and dish drainer, just put it all away. Then the floor surface itself must be completely clear. Then the first attack, scrub brush loaded with hot water fiercely applied in random circles and zigzags to scour out those little indentations in the tile. Mop with soapy water, change mops and rinse. Repeat until all the floor has been treated or until your arms are shaking so severely they won't raise above your head.

Now sit and put your feet up while it dries unless you want to do it the exercise way. The final touch is to stand at the door, admiring the smooth, sparkling expanse of tile that HAS A SMUDGE ON IT! Where the second bucket was. Not just a smudge! A dirty mark that gleams with grease. How could you forget to move the darned bucket?

There's a reason I do not like house work.