Letter, continued

More wishes and wants. I wish I had not been so indecisive and came to you long before I did. Maybe then, things would be different. If I had not been so selfish; so wrapped up in my own life….I could have been there for you when you needed me most….before things go so bad. I’m not saying I could have prevented the outcome, but maybe I could have given you more time….more peace…more love. This eats at me, every day. The “what ifs”; I’ll never know the answer. I’m sorry I failed you when you needed me most. I’m sorry I wasn’t there sooner. I’m sorry you had such an idiot for a husband, whom couldn’t see past his own selfishness to make you a peaceful home where you could rest and recover.

Mom and dad have a garden for you; I’m sure you’ve been there. I go sit by it every time I’m at the house and smile when the humming birds buzz my head….reminds me of you….how you were always so full of life…so amazing….so uplifting. It seems there have been more butterflies this year than I’ve ever noticed. They, as well, remind me of you. Soft, gentle, floating on air….delicate….and beautiful. One landed on my hand the other day and though I tried to release it, it would not fly away. As much I wanted to keep it, it belonged to the air….I blew on it gently and it fluttered off into the sky. I couldn’t take my eyes off it until it was out of sight. I felt you that day, very close.