Communication is key-I lost the keySo, ya know how they say communication is key? I lost my key. I keep patting my emotional pockets and all I find there is old poetry begging for a daughter, belly button lint that has somehow strayed, and thousands of IOU`s. Drat. Where`s that damn key? Did I drop it down the drain? Did it buy an airline ticket and hightail it out of here? Did it, pardon the pun, get locked up?
Allow me to explain why I lost the key.
Talking to people has never been my strong suit. At least people I`m not close to, or have known for years. It takes a lot of trust to get the deep down nitty gritties out of me, and to hide my insecurities I talk dirty. I`m not talkin` cyber sex dirty, just funny banter and flirting with an edge, and I have problems saying no because I`m not very strong. I`m getting better, but not there yet.
So when I meet this new guy, who is able to get out "The" most deep pain out of me, I can`t tell him something that bothers me. And so, I lost that key. I keep writing in my head how I`ll tell him but I chicken out and I can`t bring it up. Maybe it`s because of the experience I have with trying to get my dad to quit smoking since I was about 12, and he still hasn`t. He keeps saying he should but life`s too stressful right now.
My hopefully new bf, is a "bacco" chewer, and it`s bad for his health, and he knows it. He says it`s a bad thing to do. I don`t know yet if I`m 100% head over heels in love with him, but I know he loves me. I do care about him, so why can`t I muster the courage to let him know if he wants to love me, he`s gotta love himself first? I made it plain to him that I knew in my perfect mate, I didn`t want him to do any sort of unhealthy substances. Wouldn`t it be implied then that I don`t like it?
*sigh* Maybe I just can`t tell him because I`m afraid he`ll take it badly and I`ll be alone once more.
I pride myself in understanding psychology and yet I can`t figured this one out. I`m like a fish out of water. I could easily do this by writing a letter because then the words come easy and my emotions really flow. Maybe I should try that, he loves my poetry and songs.
At times like these, I wish I had my own place so I could crank up the Carol King, Janis Joplin, Linda Ronstadt, Fleetwood Mac, Carly Simon, Cindy Lauper...*sigh* I love being an old soul, but it`s music like this that helps the heart beat stronger and lets the emotions out of the closet.
-soquili meaning horse in Cherokee quay meaning lady in Ojibwe