Happiness vs Money

A thread in the forums on money and happiness triggered a landslide of memories for me.

For most of my life money has been fairly irrelevant. If you have it you spend it, if you do not have it, you do without. Doing without though was the superficial 'I can't go shopping'; not true deprivation and although I was aware of that intellectually it was not until I left my husband and he closed our joint bank accounts and maxed out my credit lines that I did without to the extent that eating every day was not an option I could indulge.

First to go was cable. Then the gas, as I had an electric wok and kettle and did not care about hot water or heat particularly. The telephone was next. I temped and made enough to keep just one month in arrears on my electric bill and on the rent. I cleaned apartments and walked dogs. I argued with quiet desperation that I would work at the most boring repetitive jobs despite my education and work history because I was hungry.

At least once the telephone was disconnected the creditors could not call. One I will never forget told me he didn't care if I had to strap a mattress to my back and go set up shop on the corner - I hung up at that point and sat staring at the shrilling 'phone when it rang back as if it was a rare species of snake that spit deadly venom in the ear.

The hardest thing about this time was that I hadn't seen it coming. It never occurred to me not to honour the vows I took, with all my worldly goods I thee endow. Next time I keep a separate bank account.

So was I unhappy going from considerable comfort to a negative cash flow? Certainly some of the consequences were distressing and unpleasant. I like eating three meals a day and washing jeans by hand then waiting for them to dry when it is freezing outside is hard on both hands and spirit.

It is also interesting how people try to make poverty shameful, as though some evil deed has caused it. I was foolish, not evil and I was lucky enough that while I had to sell my books I managed to stop short of selling my soul or my body. Some have had it far worse than I.

Still the question is the connection between money and happiness. The degree of happiness I felt sitting hungry in the dark was no less intense than that I feel after a perfect meal in good company. However in those dark days, there were long stretches of time when I worked a lot harder to feel happy, to find the joy than I did when money was no object.

Now is an inbetween time in my life. I have enough for my needs and can stretch to a few wants. I am happy almost all the time with very little effort and I have time at last to work to release the angers I collected as though they were some cosmic pay cheque that I could live on rather than die by.