ON THE ROAD AGAIN!!! AGAIN!!!

I woke up- alone again, on the road again. I don’t need coffee anymore, I don’t need cigarettes, things that I thought are enough to have a wonderful morning before. What’s the world without tenderness, caress, natural feelings or initial love? A simple routine, a sign of a bloody hell or just a transition between life and death? And who are you gonna take this long journey with? Alone?... I turn on the computer. Open first my music player and load “ Have a little faith in me” by John Hiat… And here I am again, on the road again, on CS again, writing a Blog. For what, for who?

People are made to look for, find, give or just wander in the darkness searching their own happiness in the soul of a fellow human being. How could you understand if you meet the right person? If he or she is exactly in front of you but you are roaming, blind eyes can’t distinguish him or her? You may say…listen to your heart, it never lies…But how could you know if it’s more frustrated, confused or lost than every other part of your body? The music player stops. I load the same song again. And even I don’t need the f*cking cigarettes and the f*cking coffee, I take them with open arms, because I don’t have what to take in my arms… again. On the road again. Betrayed again…
Sooner or later you make your choice…your choice forever …stimulated by the “sincere, truly” heart-breaking declaration of love from the side of your “lover”. You can mislead all the world around you saying whatever you want but you can never lie to yourself, your own soul… Words are nothing or almost nothing they can only express cursory positions or just stupid clichés repeated again and again….till the earth is turning. You waste your time, your life, your dignity, your gifts…your will to do something in this world, to experience your own unique life so as you feel any satisfaction. Here it is, the cigarette is over… again, the road is still so long… again… And I have the opportunity to buy a pack of cigarettes or to stop it forever. And I know that it doesn’t matter because I will be still alone… SATISFACTION!

Is there someone making you smile, trying to calm you down when “the world is on your shoulders”? Understanding and trust? “Is that so much to ask for?”- I say. The music player stops again. I stop again. I always make that mistake, to stop just because someone disappears from my life forever, without saying goodbye.
Finally I understand that things have changed, my positions are inverted. I am totally fond of a beautiful mirage created by my own consciousness- an ideal illusion absolutely pure and innocent but unreal… what a terrible dreamer I am, or a simple fool, lost her mind in her own insane imagination! ! !

Who says today “ Have a little faith in me? “ Do you?


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Comments (4)

That is the problem...the heart...hmmmmm...I'm not listening to it.
grin doh

This time I'm going with both of my heads...rolling on the floor laughing rolling on the floor laughing rolling on the floor laughing
Dear Liliana,

I was reading your post and for a moment, a long one, i stood there recognizing my thoughts, my fears and my weakness. I never considered right to write about it and the reasons for not doing it slips to my judgement right now. Truth is...your post rings a damn huge bell inside my head, in my memories. Every single word you wrote is graving me upon my stone.
Some time ago i discovered...the pain. And i was amazed to learn so much living it. So perfect...so absolute. Pain has no purpose at all. Therefore pain is not a religion that needs churches or altars. Pain is the last resort away from everything that failed you. Pain doesn't hurts ; she cures you and makes you stronger. Pain protect you at all costs. Like a mother who's giving her life for her offsprings. Pain loves you more than you love her, because her love is infinitely great and kind. I used to hate even the word: pain. And i didn't believed. But you don't have to believe in pain...pain believes in you ! Pain stands before you when you need to be guided, beside you when you need a trusty brother in arms and watches your back against deceivers. Therefore you never gonna be alone...maybe for the first time in your life.
Pain had never deceived anyone. Once you entrusted her you can fully and finally understand the meaning of love. A suprem level that has nothing to do with what ordinary people call...love. That kind of love is an artificial word, invented to avoid payments for having sex. Is a word that drags you deep under a cheap suffering and soul misery.
I'm not telling you that you should get the same experience that i had. Because isn't a must. All i'm telling you is...light up your cigarette, drink your coffee, listen to your John Hiat and don't think about routine anymore. Make love to your habbits and your gesture. Make love to your mind, that wonderful place where you can find all the answers you need.

Best regards,
Flo
Dear Flo,

You made my day, when i read your words. They are full with meaning. I know i am younger than you, and i know what you ACTUALLY said to me. So, thank you! I hope you will get what you need too!


Lilanapurple heart
Dear Lilana,

I had no doubts whatsoever that you might not understand what i wrote to you. I'm happy that you felt a little bit better reading my comment. Sometimes in life all we have to do is coming back to ourselves. And if we feel lost, we have to stop, think for a while and return back until we can finally recognize something. And then...we stop again, take a deep breath and choose another path. Life is a fight...important is to find a good fight !

Stay well and take good care of you. No one will do it instead of you...as no one will cry in your place.

Best regards,
Flo kiss bouquet
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created Aug 2010
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