Pulling me apart!

Sometimes I feel trapped in my own emotions. There is someone screaming inside who wants to get out and bang her head against a wall until someone finally freaking listens to the problems the troubles the dilemma that eats at the soul. Most nights I just want to cry but I dare not show weakness. Not even to myself. Then the troubles would come even faster. And I have to be strong, or at least thought of as strong because that is what I want to be. STRONG! I will admit I am not as strong as I make myself out to be. Now don't get me wrong I am a strong person. But I am afraid of the one thing that will make my wall of emotions come crashing down. The wall that I have spent so long on creating to block out and deflect unwanted feelings. I cant handle the pain that is a direct result of the screaming coming through the walls. The fights with no cause. how much ......Criticism does the world think i can take? I am so sick of the ghost smiles, the fake hugs, and the plastic I love u's! what if i didnt say i forgive u because i knew u didnt mean I AM SORRY? what if i denied the sweet side of me? i could have embraced the mean side.
I am terrified of my other half. will i turn into pure fury just like him? do I keep my emotions bottled up inside so much that they will over spill one day? I would hate to be the cause of pain towards anyone. and if I one day let my manner go will I let it drown me? OR will I hurt the ones I love that are around me? If I refuse to let this fury loose will I be denying myself. Will I still be true to myself if I don't let that part of me out? would that make me fake? A poser? Could I walk around happily being half a person? not handling the waves of my emotions makes me scared that one day it will be overwhelming and someone, maybe even me, will get hurt. years of hurt turned in fury and maliciousness bottled up makes me terrified of myself. well I become like him? Fighting everyones word that does not agree with mine? hurting the people I love? I surely hope not. I try to be nice. I try to put the destructive side of me on the backburner and bring comfort and understanding where ever I go. I try so hard and it seems as if I do succeed in this. I am very true to my helping nature. I love to be there for people. I love the feeling that I get when I have given someone a way out or a sturdy shoulder to cry on. I LOVE BEING THE DEPENDABLE FRIEND who would never leave anyone astray (on purpose) but what about the otherside. the side I cant even figure out. Maybe the answer is faith. I am sure I have more that a mustard seed. but will that be enough?
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Comments (3)

this happens to all of us have faith and you will be happy someday ...... john
as women we are more emotional than men but be careful because most men view a woman acting emotional as a warning sign..they think women are crazy or psyco if she shows too much emotions..lol..dont let yourself be fooled into thinking you need a man right away..desperation or impatience leads to making mistakes..i was married and the guy was a complete nightmare to live with..too many women settle for way less than what they deserve...find a good man but be patient.cheers
Be patient...

Time will heal you....
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chocolatefairy

chocolatefairy

Kelly, North Carolina, USA

Hi! I think it is great that you came here to see about me! I hope i dont bore you to death! Well I have a love for laughter! I love making people laugh. i think it is the cure for depression! I have a passion for helping people, I usually put other [read more]

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created Jan 2011
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