The Power of Words

When we were growing up and would encounter the cruel tongues of other children, we were taught a rhyme designed to assauge our hurt feelings: "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." Who hasn't since learned to prefer the crippling pain of a broken bone over the searing arrow of a distressing word embedded in the heart?

The Bible says that the tongue is impossible to tame, comparing its power to direct the course of our lives to that of a bit in the horse's mouth being used to control its body, or that of a tiny rudder directing the course of a ship. But is it their wielding by the untempered tongue or the substance of the words themselves, be they accidentally discharged in the urgency of a heated moment or eloquently woven with deliberate precision and released with calculating aim, that have the power to heal or to destroy? The inaudible voice of the mute is the same to the hearing ear as the sonorous persuasiveness of the most eloquent tongue to the ear of the deaf. It is development of the language with which we convey thoughts and feelings, and not the ability to "talk" that sets us apart from other animals. An infant can communicate his needs by making sounds, but his ability to make himself understood is very limited until he learns the words to express what he is feeling.

Unfortunately, within the ability to make ourselves understood lies the inherent pitfall of being misunderstood.

I've always been one who could express myself better in writing than in conversation, at least in matters of the heart and soul, but have sometimes had to face the harsh reality that my best efforts to communicate have fallen profoundly short of their intent, sometimes even yielding the opposite result.....which is what brings me to where I am today.

I think it might be in order to preface whatever follows with a confession, of a sort. I don't have a freakin' clue when it comes to effective communication in a relationship once feelings are involved. It isn't logical when you consider that some of my best qualities, as well as professional competencies, are related to beng able to communicate well, both verbally and nonverbally. But once my heart is invested, I seem to chart a course hellbent on destruction. I apparently have a fatal flaw that keeps relationships from working for me. If I had any clue what it was, I'd fix it. I guess that's why I quit trying for so long. Then, after nearly 20 years, I let someone open that door. He led me to the precipace and made me believe I could fly. He took me where I'd never been and showed me the world through new eyes. He gave me hope, restored my faith and woke my heart from its long, dreamless sleep. Then, in an instant he vanished and slammed the door behind him, leaving me in freefall with no escape and no answers....only fruitless speculation as to how I might've fallen victim to my own untimely words.

Don't be too quick to judge me, however. You're obviously no genius in the relationship game either, else you wouldn't be here reading this. There's only so much that can be written off to lack of opportunity. The truth is, anyone over 30 who is still floundering on how to make a relationship work needs to scrap the old playbook and admit he/she is ill-equiped and be willing to try a new approach. Like it or not, no matter how well we have come to terms with the pain experienced in past relationships, it is still intricately interwoven through the fabric of who we are and will influence how we interact with any partner that follows. So also does a partner bring with him his own wounded history. With 20/20 hindsight, I would suggest that a good place to start over is admitting to one another that the rules have changed, and that you don't necessarily know what the new rules are. You might have to make them up as you go along, but this way, you can at least make them up together so you're both playing by the same ones.